AIBU to still feel unsafe and want to tell someone?

[Puffinsandcoffee]

My husband has done some things to me /around me in recent years that weren't great. Nothing really terrible - not hitting or SA - but stuff that has made me definitely a bit scared of him.

It's been well over a year since he's done anything like that.

I just have two questions I thought maybe someone on here would have experience of this stuff and could answer.

One is, when did you find that you felt safe and comfortable around your husband again? Is it normal that I don't? Every time he swears or slams a door or something I get scared, and then scared he'll notice I'm scared, because he would get annoyed by that because he just wants us to move on from the stuff that happened. The world cup is stressing me out because he keeps jolting out of his chair and shouting and swearing at the TV!

The other question is, is it really vindictive that I want to tell someone in real life? I obviously won't. He'd be so hurt and really angry, because it's such an injustice to who he is in general. But there was total secrecy in my family about my dad's additions and abuses and I think because of that, having to not tell anyone about the stuff my husband has done is making me feel worse, like as if it's all happening again even though it's not.

Just to pre-empt some stuff that might come up

• I have posted about this stuff before. I spoke to Women's Aid because of replies. I don't mind my other posts being referred to but please don't "catch me out" with stuff from them. Mumsnet is the only place I can have these "conversations" and I'm not trying to be defensive or in denial or anything like that.
• I am getting therapy for cPTSD which I have from other stuff mostly childhood stuff.
• I haven't gone into detail about what he did because I don't think it's relevant but I will if it is.
• I won't be leaving him. I can't even if I wanted to but I don't want to.

I didn't put a poll as it's not really an either/ or but just - is this all normal and will pass, or am I damaging my relationship by not moving on from it?

I don’t understand how you can think that stuff isn’t a big deal! I’d be terrified, and I’m in no way susceptible to being a nervous wreck. It’s frightening abusive behaviour.

When you spoke to Women’s Aid, what did they advise?

I’m sorry but I don’t think these are ‘low level’ things. Smashing a door in to get to you when he is angry is understandably terrifying. There’s no one who wouldn’t be afraid in that situation. Your fear is totally justified. You don’t need to make out that you are the problem here- he is. And now the memory of how you felt then remains in your body and you are constantly’on guard’ to keep yourself safe.

You say you’d have to give a reason to leave- you have a reason. I think people would be more understanding than you think. And so what if they aren’t. Do it for yourself and your children.

if you can’t leave, at least tell someone you are close to who you can trust. No one should expect you to keep quiet. The fact he wants this a secret shows he knows how wrong it is and makes you feel even more disempowered.

sorry you’ve been through this x

Yes same behaviour I was living on my nerves couldn’t be around him when alcohol was involved
he started that behaviour on my teens eventually I had to get us all out

This is really serious stuff. It's concerning to us reading this that you don't see it as such. Can you explain more about why divorcing is out of the question?

A great dad doesn't put the fear of god into the mother of his children. He is not a great dad!

No, it doesn't make sense, because men are not scary automatically. There are literally thousands of non-scary men around. This literally is because your husband is definitely not a nice man. Nice men are like nice women, they don't get violent to their partners, don't shout and swear at everything, don't make their partners feel they are treading on eggshells.

Sorry, this is abuse. It’s worrying that you can’t recognise that. You keep making excuses for him. It’s like you see him as the planet - the main event - and yourself as a satellite or adjunct that must adjust to please him. He is the defective one. To be clear, I don’t believe any woman with normal self respect would stay with such a man.

The normal reaction of a healthy human being exposed to his behaviour as described ( and excused by you) is dislike and anger and a determination to get away.

You should explore with a good therapist experienced in domestic abuse why you think you need him or are less important than him. What messages did you receive growing up?

I’m really worried about you, @Puffinsandcoffee . None of this is normal or ok and your nervous system knows that. That’s why you’re flinching and you're scared. That’s your brain trying to protect you.

You say you have a diagnosis of c-PTSD because of your childhood. I have the same diagnosis. I now live alone in a quiet calm house, and I’m in a relationship with a man who has never ever scared me or treated me with anything other than love and kindness. Don’t you think you deserve the same?

I’m also worried about your children. You must be aware that they’re going to grow up with c-PTSD as you did because, like you, they have a violent and unpredictable father and no safe place to go where he’s not there.

As a child, you needed an adult to tell you that what you were going through wasn’t your fault, and to take you out of that terrifying environment. You can do that for your children now.

It doesn’t matter what your family think. You WILL survive without their approval. What matters is your peace and safety and that of your children.

It's scary how you think this is low level of violence, it isn't,he's a violet man who has pushed you and kicked down doors. I'd leave if my dh did ONE of those things on your list let alone all of them. You're frightened for a reason.

Trust me, that is behaviour that would make anyone a nervous wreck. Kicking doors in, punching walls etc is all designed to be violent and threatening and to take you thoroughly scared. Pushing you is criminal assault. That is behaviour that is "all that bad". Please listen to what everyone is saying on here, and talk to Women's Aid.

I had a partner like this who was amazing 95% of the time but frightened me the other 5%. I left him before we got married because I couldn't imagine having children in that situation. I think about him a lot but I think it was the right thing.

Oh @Puffinsandcoffee , he doesn’t have to hit you because he has you scared and under control enough that he doesn’t need to, and he can still tell himself he’s a “good guy” because he never hits you.

These are all abuse and all unacceptable. Can I ask why you say you can’t leave him.

Have you ever heard the cup of tea analogy? If someone offered you tea and you knew it sometimes had a tiny bit of shit in it, but not often amend never much would you still take tea from that person? I suspect the answer is no, and it’s the same here, yes he doesn’t hit you and doesn’t behave badly but when he does he’s crazy, damages stuff and scares you, that isn’t ok.

I promise you, violence like this is always a good reason to leave. He's definitely not a good man.

Im so sad reading this thread and seeing what sort of behaviour the OP is justifying to herself.
I lived through something similar. Towards the rnd of my relationship with my abusive ex, he actually got help for his mental health issues. Even though the medication stopped his violent mood swings, there had been so much abuse for such a long time by that point that I couldn't look at him in the same way. I was always on edge around him. I couldn't love him anymore and I finally found the strength to leave. Best thing I ever did xxx

I don't think he's violent and emotionally abusive? But even if they knew everything I've said here, yes.

I care what they think because they're my family and they're who I am. It's hard to explain. I'd lose a lot if I lost their good opinion.

Then ask for those ridiculous posts to be deleted. They are dangerous.

Great Dad's dont abuse their wives.

And you dont need to give a reason to ANYONE about why you left. That is your business. May I ask if there if there is a cultural reason that you feel you can't leave?

You can leave, you are just too scared to.

I'm sorry that you are trapped in this.

Someone asked if a person without ptsd would feel scared. I don't have PTSD.
I'd feel scared.
He broke down two doors on separate occasions. He has so far, just about, not hit you. But has lunged at you. He has rage which IS uncontrollable (he broke down two doors, drives erratic when angry, pushed you) .

He isn't seeking treatment
He won't let you tell anyone
He'd be annoyed if he knew you were scared of him.

That is Not a man who has owned up and sought help to ensure that he has leaned how to deal with his anger. This is a simmering pot. Waiting to boil over. And when it boils over it's you who's going to get burned.

I'm being blunt. I'm sorry . I'm genuinely concerned for your safety here.

The only way I could agree it might feel safer is if he sought counseling and committed to rage management groups. He probably genuinely thinks that he can keep this under control but he can't.

Someone has never hit someone, until they do

Someone has never killed someone, until they do.

I hope the universe can provide you with what's needed to be safe x

The thing is, OP, that you're right to feel scared because he WILL be violent and abusive again. Kicking doors down, driving in a rage, calling you the c word, pushing you, lunging at you. This isn't low level stuff. It's abuse pure and simple. He's shown you who he is and the relationship you have. He's even told you he'll end things if you share his behaviour with others.
He's manipulating and gaslighting you.
I'd be scared in your shoes because he's unpredictable. And nobody, I repeat nobody, should feel scared in their own home.
Leaving may be extremely hard but staying means consigning yourself to a future that feels unsafe and to a life where you tiptoe around to avoid waking the beast inside your husband.
Your choice.

Also he didn't damage any of my stuff. Just the doors and the walls. Not trying to nitpick I just don't want peopleto get the wrong impression.

Why are you scared if you don't think he's violent?

I was wondering that too.

Sorry everyone. He actually came in to talk about something so I've missed lots of replies!

I'm not in danger, please it's so kind that people are saying they're worried but I'm really not. Even imagining he saw this thread, I still can't imagine he'd actually hit me.

I don't really know. Because my dad was violent I think and lots of men I know (and love) are violent? Like, I think it's mostly not about my husband at all?

Oh lovely, he has definitely done a number on you. That’s abusive behaviour. It’s not “his misfortune” that you are susceptible to anxiety: he’s exploiting your trauma. He may not have physically harmed you, but the actions you describe, particularly over a prolonged period are seriously psychologically and emotionally harmful. You are minimising his behaviour to justify staying with him. If that’s what you choose to do then please try to formulate a safety plan. But you will always be anticipating his next explosion.