AIBU to still feel unsafe and want to tell someone?

[Puffinsandcoffee]

My husband has done some things to me /around me in recent years that weren't great. Nothing really terrible - not hitting or SA - but stuff that has made me definitely a bit scared of him.

It's been well over a year since he's done anything like that.

I just have two questions I thought maybe someone on here would have experience of this stuff and could answer.

One is, when did you find that you felt safe and comfortable around your husband again? Is it normal that I don't? Every time he swears or slams a door or something I get scared, and then scared he'll notice I'm scared, because he would get annoyed by that because he just wants us to move on from the stuff that happened. The world cup is stressing me out because he keeps jolting out of his chair and shouting and swearing at the TV!

The other question is, is it really vindictive that I want to tell someone in real life? I obviously won't. He'd be so hurt and really angry, because it's such an injustice to who he is in general. But there was total secrecy in my family about my dad's additions and abuses and I think because of that, having to not tell anyone about the stuff my husband has done is making me feel worse, like as if it's all happening again even though it's not.

Just to pre-empt some stuff that might come up

• I have posted about this stuff before. I spoke to Women's Aid because of replies. I don't mind my other posts being referred to but please don't "catch me out" with stuff from them. Mumsnet is the only place I can have these "conversations" and I'm not trying to be defensive or in denial or anything like that.
• I am getting therapy for cPTSD which I have from other stuff mostly childhood stuff.
• I haven't gone into detail about what he did because I don't think it's relevant but I will if it is.
• I won't be leaving him. I can't even if I wanted to but I don't want to.

I didn't put a poll as it's not really an either/ or but just - is this all normal and will pass, or am I damaging my relationship by not moving on from it?

I think that would make anyone a nervous wreck. You're minimising it. I've done the same, it wasn't as bad as what my dad did to my mum so I thought it was okay. But it wasn't okay. It was scary and there is no shame in admitting that.

You should definitely tell someone even if it’s just your therapist OP. It is outrageous and doubly abusive that he’s asking you to cover for him after he has caused you trauma. It’s not fair to ask you to put up with / experience the trauma, move on and forgive him somehow, then forget it and trust him again… but also remain silent about it without any support whatsoever. Surely you can see that’s not sustainable for any human?

Im so sorry that he has caused you such fear.

If there are cultural reasons that are stopping you leaving, or even thinking about leaving, please Google. ..there are organisations and people that you can talk to.

Well, that's not nothing! And my believing that he's a good guy is stretching to breaking point.

He has a problem with his anger. Was he a victim of domestic abuse? Or did he witness it as a child?

Your more recent posts where you said "he said it was wrong. He said me telling anyone would be potentially relationship ending for him." so he feels shame for what he did. That's good. But not enough to honestly acknowledge the impact on you, talk openly about it with you, get therapy for himself. He needs to take full accountability. Which means that he does whatever it takes for you to feel safe around him. Anything less than that and he's honestly scum.

Its not silly to be afraid. If someone had broken the bathroom door to get to me, i would be terrified. And from your description of the football, he is still physically unpredictable. Your stress response is always being overstimulated. If you won't leave him, you have only 2 options: talk to him and ensure that he changes or live your life in a state of fear. This can cause all kinds of physical consequences such as a weakened immune system and cardiovascular problems, gastro intestinal difficulties. Your health will be worse and your life possibly shortened. Therapy for yourself alone when there are no changes to a bad environment can just lead to you enduring more. Don't leave if you don't want to, but you cant just stop being afraid especially in these circumstances. You'll be sacrificing your physical and mental health, though, if you don't get something sorted

Just so you know, the things you describe him doing are not small things. I would be terrified of my husband and walking on eggshells trying not to provoke him if he did that to me, and I don't have chronic PTSD.

Can I ask you a question OP? Close your eyes and imagine having to live the rest of your life with someone who is scaring you and upsetting you and hurting you. My question is do you really want to spend your one precious life like this. What are the barriers to you being able to leave him?

He is violent and abusive to you. There is a very real risk his violence could escalate. I am not saying this to upset you. I am saying this because I think you need us to be honest with you and try to help you see a way out.

Anyone in your life who would be ok with you continuing in a marriage where you are being abused, isnt worth listening to. Anyone who loves you would want you to get away from him and be safe. He is not "a good man" if he is emotionally and physically abusing you.

Regardless of him "making sacrifices" for you,that does not oblige you to stay with him if he is hurting you and frightening you.

I didn't read the OPs update until after I posted. The situation I was imagining was miles away from what's actually happened.

My now ex partner used to scream , shout , slam doors & throw things . He is a huge muscular guy & I was not used to that kind of behaviour. I used to be really afraid when he did this , however I never ever thought he would ever lay a finger on me … till he did . He pushed me down a flight of stairs & fractured my collarbone . I never went back to him despite the many weeks of crying , pleading & begging etc . I was with him for over 3 years before he did that . Please , please be very careful around this man .

its very very common on here. A poster will describe their husband's abusive controlling and otherwise unpleasant behaviour and finish by saying some variation of "oh I couldn't leave him he's such a great dad."

So your DH acknowledged that what he did was wrong, but if you tell someone about it, he’ll end the relationship? That doesn’t sound like he’s actually sorry about it.

I appreciate that you don’t want things from your other threads mentioned here, but if you’re the poster I think you are, your cultural background is quite relevant to this issue.

What will you do if the next time he loses his cool it’s with one of the kids and breaks down the door to get to them? I assume they are teenagers given your relationship length - they might start to talk back and annoy him

Why are you posting? Genuinely? You 'can't' and 'won't' leave him so sadly you will have to continue being scared, as will eventually, your children. And I would be. It's crazy I'm afraid

I think you've been brainwashed, OP.
All these ladies trying to help you, & you're just giving reasons why you can't leave. You CAN leave.

I would be terrified too.

I was once threatened online by someone I knew - I called the police and explained the situation on a no names basis, for a sort of reality check which confirmed that I was reacting normally.

The policewoman was extremely calm and helpful. She didn’t push me to do anything or give more information, but I felt much stronger from having made the call. When I told the ‘online aggressor’ that I had contacted the police, she changed her tune immediately and became immensely contrite (as she should have been from the start).

I think once trust and respect have been violated, in whatever way, it’s hard to go back. I had a controlling and abusive first marriage, but been with my second husband for nearly 30 years and never felt scared or unsafe again. I don’t think it’s healthy to bury what’s happened for you or him. If you’re jumping and on edge, this has re-traumatised you and you’ll likely be on high alert around him for years to come. I am so sorry you’ve experienced what you have. Life sucks sometimes x

Fear is a natural response to a threat. It’s not ‘silly’ to be afraid of this man who has consistently over a prolonged period of time, subjected you to abuse.

I had an abusive ex who shouted and screamed at me and backed me into corners. He was terrifying. My current partner occasionally loses his temper and shouts at football etc. and it scared me so much I spoke to a therapist. He is no danger to me at all, my brain just thought he was. Therapist helped me do some exposure therapy exercises which were quite brutal where I explored my fear and it did help. She also helped me speak to him about how his anger and shouting made me feel. He was kind and considerate and has moderated his behaviour since (more or less). So yes, it can get better. However, your partner sounds like he could be an actual threat imo. Your nervous system is telling you something. Listen.

You’re making me think of a domestic abuse training I did in the past and an example was cited of a man who pulled a gun out to show his female partner on the night they married. Didn’t threaten her with it directly, but did enough to let her know he could hurt her if she displeased him. Never did anything else overt but she also lived in fear for the decades of their marriage. Which was anrguably exactly his intention, consciously or unconsciously. Do you think her fear was understandable, puffins? Do you think her fearfulness was silly? And if not why is your fear silly but not hers?

Oh God, there's kids involved?
You make them live with a bully you're scared of?

Have a read of https://www.instagram.com/healingbythenumbers?igsh=aW0zMWxtbm9wejdm and her Escape Plan / That Was Abuse posts.

Assuming you're in the UK, if you ever do want to leave there are resources to support you (refuges / lawyers / charities like Women's Aid). If there are cultural or religious reasons why leaving is hard there are charities that can help with that. If he's a police officer or similar and you fear him misusing work resources to hurt you there will be ways to navigate that.

(I say assuming you're in the UK because I don't know the laws about divorce or support arrangements for people leaving abusive partners in other countries.)

It's worth thinking a bit about free will. If you're not free to leave how can staying be a real choice? Or more abstractly - if there is a God how come God didn't make everyone believers? Do atheists exist because the choice to believe or not believe is important?

May be worth working your way round the barriers to you leaving and then reassessing if you want to stay in the knowledge that leaving is a real option.

In That 20 year span when was the last time anything at all like this happened?

Are you still with him?

@Puffinsandcoffee I suspect this will fall on deaf ears, but I couldn’t ignore your posts. I grew up in a household with behaviour much like you describe. It gradually escalated over time to the point my father almost strangled my DM to death in front of me. Thankfully it was the final straw and she ended up leaving him, but even now certain situations still trigger me. Please, please look after yourself and your DC, your husband’s behaviour shouldn’t be normalised.

I also have to say I feel sad for you to describe these incidents as low level. I am typing in my bathroom and if my DH was to start kicking the door in I’d be petrified. Could you ever accept someone doing that to your child? It’s not ok in a million years and I’m sure a part of you knows that, but it’s scary to admit