AIBU to still feel unsafe and want to tell someone?

[Puffinsandcoffee]

My husband has done some things to me /around me in recent years that weren't great. Nothing really terrible - not hitting or SA - but stuff that has made me definitely a bit scared of him.

It's been well over a year since he's done anything like that.

I just have two questions I thought maybe someone on here would have experience of this stuff and could answer.

One is, when did you find that you felt safe and comfortable around your husband again? Is it normal that I don't? Every time he swears or slams a door or something I get scared, and then scared he'll notice I'm scared, because he would get annoyed by that because he just wants us to move on from the stuff that happened. The world cup is stressing me out because he keeps jolting out of his chair and shouting and swearing at the TV!

The other question is, is it really vindictive that I want to tell someone in real life? I obviously won't. He'd be so hurt and really angry, because it's such an injustice to who he is in general. But there was total secrecy in my family about my dad's additions and abuses and I think because of that, having to not tell anyone about the stuff my husband has done is making me feel worse, like as if it's all happening again even though it's not.

Just to pre-empt some stuff that might come up

• I have posted about this stuff before. I spoke to Women's Aid because of replies. I don't mind my other posts being referred to but please don't "catch me out" with stuff from them. Mumsnet is the only place I can have these "conversations" and I'm not trying to be defensive or in denial or anything like that.
• I am getting therapy for cPTSD which I have from other stuff mostly childhood stuff.
• I haven't gone into detail about what he did because I don't think it's relevant but I will if it is.
• I won't be leaving him. I can't even if I wanted to but I don't want to.

I didn't put a poll as it's not really an either/ or but just - is this all normal and will pass, or am I damaging my relationship by not moving on from it?

Yes, this makes complete sense.
If when you were a child your most important male role model (your dad) was scary, then you learnt at a young age "men are scary"
Childhood lessons stick. So now you love a man, let's assume he's a good person, but you see him through this dark shadowy veil of "men are scary". Everything he does is judged against that and weighed for evidence. It's the opposite of rose tinted glasses

I’ve just seen that you have a baby. You have ongoing trauma from your Dad’s abuse OP, do you really want that for your child? Because that is what will happen if you remain with an angry violent Man. A girl will grow up to think this is how Women are treated, a boy will grow up to think this is how to treat Women.

Also the fact he would get cross with you for being scared is horrible.

Yes definitely, this is a lot to do with my experiences of other men which isnt his fault at all.

You need to stop blaming yourself and start blaming your bad-tempered, cruel and clearly violent husband.

He is the reason you flinch and feel real fear. A very natural reaction when you know you are in danger. Your body’s natural response is telling you that.

You are minimising his terrible behaviour. Your posts are heartbreaking for us all to read. I don’t know what to say to help you if you are adamant that you will not make changes. I wish I did.

lots of men express that in angry behaviour don't they?

No. No they don’t

yeah i bet he's a great dad as well.

You seem so certain you can’t leave even if you wanted to.
and you’ve also said that it’s not purely financial reasons that would prevent you from leaving.

What else would prevent you from leaving if you did decide that’s what you wanted?

@Pallisers Has he acknowledged that what he did was wrong and potentially relationship-ending? He's said it was wrong. He said me telling anyone would be potentially relationship ending for him.

If you said to him could you please stop shouting during the world cup as it frightens me what would he say? Would he tell you it is your problem or would he recognise that he created this problem? I think he'd sort of think I was being silly. If he felt it was a criticism of him, that would be worse than if I said it was because of my dad, for example.

Putting to one side the reality that you’re in a dangerous situation and your body is correct to feel fear (and that’s a flippin big aside)

you’ve said you won’t / can’t leave him. What is he practically doing to convince you his temper is under control? Taking therapy? Prioritising his health? Looking after you? Not drinking? what is he doing to apologise and make amends for past behaviour?

you cannot live your life avoiding making noise / stepping on eggshells / shielding your child. So what his he honestly doing to address his behaviour?

Op. Many on hear know your kids will live in fear and will have long term damage from it and it will affect their future relationships. also they may very well resent you for tolerating this and letting them be at risk. Sadly many who are brought up with angry men also perpetrate it in another generation.
Please get out if not for yourself if not your kids. No one should live in fear.
Good luck op

Your husband is conditioning you to be afraid of him and walk around on eggshells around him. His feelings will be the forefront of your thoughts not what you feel or care about. It is abusive. And I think it’s a deliberate behaviour on his part. He wants you to be scared.

You should never feel scared in a relationship - if it's a healthy relationship that is. I've been married 36 years and have never once felt scared of my husband. Not all men are scary.

If your husband is regularly swearing, shouting or slamming doors, it's no wonder you feel scared. That is not a normal way to behave and it's designed to intimidate.

If you don't want to leave, you will always have the fear and that will have long term consequences for your health and wellbeing. I hope your therapist will help you reach a place where you no longer accept his behaviour.

Fuck me I'd be terrified! Please leave this awful human OP.

Stop framing the problem as revolving around your fear. Fear is the right response in frightening circumstances because it compels you to act and keep yourself safe. You weren't scared because you were overreacting, you were scared because he was behaving in a frightening way.

If you're going to stay with him I would at least start using the language (in your own head) that frames things correctly for your own sanity. "Sometimes I feel jumpy and anxious around my husband because when he gets angry can behave in ways that are frightening and unpredictable. It's not right or fair on me but I am staying with him regardless".

When you file it in your own mind as a deficiency of yours (when its all his), it's not healthy. Don't gaslight yourself!

There are people here who will have more sensitive and helpful advice.

But the crux of this is none of this is normal behaviour. None of this is acceptable behaviour. It is not you who is wrong to be nervous or scared of him, it is him who is wrong to behave so appalling to you.

YOU are not overreacting. YOU are not the problem.

I can tell that you are not quite ready to accept this yet but hopefully one day, when you are ready and with support, you will be able to see this and act on it.

Oh come on op. You know this is not ok, you know he's a cowardly bully, who has you cowering in fear.
Is this how you want the next 20yrs of your life to be like? Really?
What do you hope to gain from this post?

But you should be in a relationship that quells those fears and restores your faith in men, not triggers and escalates your fears of men.

Just for full disclosure, we have three children and have been together nearly 20 years.

I can't leave for many reasons. I'd have to give reasons to him and our family and friends. Even if I told them what I've said here that wouldn't be considered good reasons to leave a good man who's sacrificed a huge amount for me. My family (who I love) would think I was doing a terrible thing, leaving him, breaking up our family, etc.

You have a lower bar for what is OK than most people. Probably because of your PTSD.

In my experience ,that's how it starts.please dont kid yourself he will never turn on you. I still live in fear of my ex and I have been divorced 15 years. Hiding it makes it worse I did nobody except his mum had a clue untill after we separated and even now I dont think anybody knows everything. If you won't leave at least have an exit plan and money to fund it. Thats how I got awake after I couldnt live like that anymore. Please take care and when you are able reach out to someone.who can help.

Not if they knew he was violent and emotionally abusive.

Putting that aside why do you care if they think that? They aren’t living with him!

He definitely is that. I don't know if you're being sarcastic or not but he is a great dad.

You said in your OP that it's been over a year since he did anything like that. But then you said he's been doing these things throughout your 20-year relationship. So if he's spent 19 years doing all of this and one year not doing it, why are you in any way convinced this has stopped?

Why and how have you managed to edit out all his violent acts? Kicking, pushing, screaming, destroying property are all domestic violence