AIBU to still feel unsafe and want to tell someone?

[Puffinsandcoffee]

My husband has done some things to me /around me in recent years that weren't great. Nothing really terrible - not hitting or SA - but stuff that has made me definitely a bit scared of him.

It's been well over a year since he's done anything like that.

I just have two questions I thought maybe someone on here would have experience of this stuff and could answer.

One is, when did you find that you felt safe and comfortable around your husband again? Is it normal that I don't? Every time he swears or slams a door or something I get scared, and then scared he'll notice I'm scared, because he would get annoyed by that because he just wants us to move on from the stuff that happened. The world cup is stressing me out because he keeps jolting out of his chair and shouting and swearing at the TV!

The other question is, is it really vindictive that I want to tell someone in real life? I obviously won't. He'd be so hurt and really angry, because it's such an injustice to who he is in general. But there was total secrecy in my family about my dad's additions and abuses and I think because of that, having to not tell anyone about the stuff my husband has done is making me feel worse, like as if it's all happening again even though it's not.

Just to pre-empt some stuff that might come up

• I have posted about this stuff before. I spoke to Women's Aid because of replies. I don't mind my other posts being referred to but please don't "catch me out" with stuff from them. Mumsnet is the only place I can have these "conversations" and I'm not trying to be defensive or in denial or anything like that.
• I am getting therapy for cPTSD which I have from other stuff mostly childhood stuff.
• I haven't gone into detail about what he did because I don't think it's relevant but I will if it is.
• I won't be leaving him. I can't even if I wanted to but I don't want to.

I didn't put a poll as it's not really an either/ or but just - is this all normal and will pass, or am I damaging my relationship by not moving on from it?

I should add my ex once kicked at a door to get at me. He didn't even damage it.

I still left and am very glad I did.

He's never hit anyone in his whole life which I think is relevant. I really don't think he would ever hit me.

Thank you for this kind reply. I do have to stay with him and I don't want to leave him, but I think you're right sadly that him being sorry just unfortunately hasn't fixed things, yet anyway.

So he hurt our daughter.

when I went down to talk to him about it he was totally inconsistent and said she was lying, then that he didn’t, then he tried to force me into the lounge to sit down and talk it out.

I called the police.

They came about 30mins later which me and my dd had spent locked in her room.

they then did their standard thing of splitting up and taking the story from me and dd (well dd really I was asleep) and then from H. Apparently he says nothing happened.

then their standard protocol is to ask for one side to leave the house. H refused so we left.

for a hotel. We stayed there for three days, dd couldn’t sleep and was really struggling mentally so phoned GP and she was prescribed diazepam and anti depressants.

after the three days we booked an Airbnb and I told H that he needed to be out of the house between 2-4 pm and we went in then and got most of her wardrobe and enough for me to manage.

H was ringing me and I told him that dd was basically having a breakdown (and she really, really wasn’t ok) and he needed to stay away from her for at least a few weeks.

she got a counsellor from college and in January went back to college but we basically never went home.

she went to uni without moving back and in fact it took her about five years to be able to go back to the house. He’s still there (new wife and new kids) but she doesn’t like going there.

H and I agreed to try again once she’d gone to uni but it was absolutely hopeless as he couldn’t even talk to me for ten minutes without starting in on how this had all ruined his life.

I had very little sympathy as I’d spent the last year living in airbnbs through lockdowns while teaching online and trying to stop our dd killing herself or self harming.

he later told me he’d been drinking that evening and didn’t remember most of it.

It doesn't matter what he may or may not do in the future, or what he promises.

The list of things he has done already is very bad. I bet you could add more if you thought about it for a few days.

I was where you were several years ago. The cycle of abuse makes it so so hard to leave because we learn to seek and hope for the good times that are often so brilliant. If you look up info on the cycle of abuse it explains it well. My ex was lovely and kind... I loved him. But he was also abusive and one didn't rule out the other.

Also - what you are describing counts as physical abuse. This can include things like hitting walls, throwing things, threats of harm to self or others etc. These things are used to control you. He doesn't have to actually hurt you if you know he might hurt you when doing these things. He is showing his temper and anger. He no longer needs to because he can control you just by you worrying he might do it again.

Please consider speaking to womens aid again. Also have a look at entitledto.co.uk to see how things would be financially if you did decide to leave. I left for my children and am so so glad I did as I can now live without stress.

None of this is okay, even if rare, even if only once, and you are both minimising his behaviour and making excuses for him. Please address this with your therapist. I'm sure your childhood has taught you to normalize this but it is not normal, and it is not healthy. It appears you are deeply trauma-bonded.

You are scared, that's a fact. He did something go cause that. But you have childhood trauma that's led to a diagnosis of cPTSD.
It's an impossible question to answer, but if you'd had a healthy childhood and no mental health issues, would his behaviour scared you at all/to the extent it has? I think it's relevant what he did. How would an objective, mentally well woman react to whatever it was?

How much of your fear is caused by your upbringing? I'm taking you at your word, the way you describe him, he doesn't sound abusive or violent. It sounds like he became angry go an extent that was scary for you? He's a man, stronger than you, bigger than you. Capable of hurting you. That is a scary thought. I don't look at my DH and see that, but it's true about him too, and I've seen him furious. So if your DH is a good guy, how can you start looking at him without seeing the potential threat of his strength and size?

I think that if he is a good guy, he should be able to listen to you (with or without a couples therapist) and understand that you're seeing him through the lens of 'men are potentially dangerous' because of your childhood experience. Which isn't anything to do with him, beyond his sex. And that's not how you want to think about him specifically. You need to be honest about your feelings and vulnerability with him. He needs to be protective of you because of that. And at the same time you need to continue with therapy to address why you think the way you do

This is shocking.

I’m genuinely gobsmacked reading this and how you seem to think this is in the bounds of normal/reasonable/acceptable

What do you want from posting here?

Are you looking for a reply that says that yes it’s you, you are overreacting and need to pull yourself together.

You are not going to get that response.

What do you actually think of the consensus here?

I know in many cases this stuff escalates into actual violence but it won't in this case. It's been at this very low level for the whole relationship. I just feel really sad that I can't get rid of this silly fearfulness.

He didn't do anything all that bad - I did wonder if omitting it would make people imagine the worst. It was just stuff like he kicked the door into a room I was in until it broke, and punching walls which is just stupid behaviour obviously, he hurt himself and damaged the wall. Swearing at me/ calling me horrible names and pushing me a few times. Nothing worse, nothing that would make someone else a "nervous wreck" Just, his misfortune is that I was already susceptible to being a nervous wreck!

OP I am a very stable, not anxious, not dramatic person and all or any of this would make me a nervous wreck. Who told you that you were already susceptible? Was it him?

If someone I worked with behaved like this I would refuse to work with them again - because I wouldn't feel safe. If someone random at a cafe I happened to be in did this I would be very upset and probably not go back to that cafe again just in case. You are minimising your reaction. It is not just reasonable to be nervous and anxious around a person who had behaved like this it is safer - your psyche is telling you to get away from somebody who might physically hurt you.

If you absolutely cannot leave him (why??) then you are condemned to live in a constant state of fight/flight/fawn - to prevent being the victim of violence. Has he acknowledged that what he did was wrong and potentially relationship-ending? If you said to him could you please stop shouting during the world cup as it frightens me what would he say? Would he tell you it is your problem or would he recognise that he created this problem?

OP what you are describing is domestic abuse
he may not have actually hit you- he doesn't need to because he has shown you what he might do
please get back to women's aid or your local DA service, find out if you can do the Freedom Programme or similar (you can do it on line I believe) - and his behaviour will then make a lot more sense to you
you DO deserve better, and not all men are scary

Can I ask why you "have to" stay with him?

Most people would feel scared by the behaviours you've described. I think you're normalising it because of how terribly your Dad treated you growing up

Ok, let's just say he doesn't ever actually put his hands on you ( although he has already pushed you) he has a massive anger problem. Screaming abuse, breaking down doors and driving erratically.

You have a baby .
Do you want your baby to see this, to grow up around a man who does not know how to control his anger ?

They don’t until they do.

i would have said the same about mine … but my DD’s bruises were spectacular and it was definitely him.

I've been in an abusive relationship and even when things were superficially 'good' I was still anxious that his mood could swing at any time. It took me years to get over that after my divorce (we were together 5 years).

You're minimising what has happened to you, OP. You said you don't want to leave him. Why not? He's not a good person, you are deluding yourself. Just because he makes you laugh sometimes doesn't make him good. His bad behaviour will escalate, and you will get hurt.

Blimey Op - those things you’ve listed are really serious! And pushing is assault, as is putting you in fear.

Those things WOULD make most people a nervous wreck. Especially happening in their home and especially if they have child also in that home.

It’s absolutely no wonder you feel on edge and in fear all the time.

In answer to your question- most people done get over it. I didn’t and I can only name some from your list - like the driving angry (which is really scary and a recognised form of abuse) and the shouting and swearing. I think that was plenty!

I hate that I have to let my
children spend time with him now - and go in the car with him.

I know in many cases this stuff escalates into actual violence but it won't in this case. It's been at this very low level for the whole relationship.

What you described is not a very low level. Well I suppose compared to strangulation and life-threatening injuries it is but that isn't how we generally think about relationships. No violence at all should be the standard.

Your thought processes are distorted.

We can see that. What you think is “not that bad” or that you somehow deserve, we can see is classics abusive behaviour and you have been groomed / conditioned to think that way.

Carry on with the therapy and please be honest about what’s happening at home and how it makes you feel. If there is anyway you can tell someone in real life that would also be a brilliant step forward. Some of them probably know / suspect. Can you think of anyone who behaves differently around you/him to others who are charmed?

But he terrifies you. That's no life, it really isn't. I was married to someone similar, you get so used to the fear that it becomes normal. It isn't. It will escalate because it almost always does. And you know what, even if it doesn't escalate, you're living in fear.

I left (after he put me in hospital) and life improved from that day on. There are no words to explain how much better a life free of fear is.

If a man punches walls and otherwise inanimate objects around you it lets you know he can do the same to you.

Lots of men don't behave in this way. If you stay with one who does, and you are scared of him, that's totally a reasonable reaction because he is scary, if that's your question. Your question does not seem to be whether you should leave him, because from your replies you are not going to leave him. You are asking if it is reasonable to be scared of him - yes, it is.

Also breaking things is also a criminal offence if they’re yours!

My exh didn’t smash any physical property when I was with him (although he did pile up a load of property in a mess in one room, throw some things out and tear up some photos - so again plenty and I’m not minimising - I know he’s awful) but he’s done it with his current partner. So they get worse!

This would make me a nervous wreck. Any hint of not being able to control a temper and I'm off.

I'm really sorry lots of replies and I can't answer all the questions but I do know it's not good, but I am really sure it won't escalate and I definitely won't leave him. The barriers to that aren't just financial.

What I'm hoping for @MaryBennetsGlasses I suppose was just hope that I'd feel better in time, that maybe other women have had these experiences. He's been through some huge stresses, including because of me/ my family, and lots of men express that in angry behaviour don't they?