AIBU to still feel unsafe and want to tell someone?

[Puffinsandcoffee]

My husband has done some things to me /around me in recent years that weren't great. Nothing really terrible - not hitting or SA - but stuff that has made me definitely a bit scared of him.

It's been well over a year since he's done anything like that.

I just have two questions I thought maybe someone on here would have experience of this stuff and could answer.

One is, when did you find that you felt safe and comfortable around your husband again? Is it normal that I don't? Every time he swears or slams a door or something I get scared, and then scared he'll notice I'm scared, because he would get annoyed by that because he just wants us to move on from the stuff that happened. The world cup is stressing me out because he keeps jolting out of his chair and shouting and swearing at the TV!

The other question is, is it really vindictive that I want to tell someone in real life? I obviously won't. He'd be so hurt and really angry, because it's such an injustice to who he is in general. But there was total secrecy in my family about my dad's additions and abuses and I think because of that, having to not tell anyone about the stuff my husband has done is making me feel worse, like as if it's all happening again even though it's not.

Just to pre-empt some stuff that might come up

• I have posted about this stuff before. I spoke to Women's Aid because of replies. I don't mind my other posts being referred to but please don't "catch me out" with stuff from them. Mumsnet is the only place I can have these "conversations" and I'm not trying to be defensive or in denial or anything like that.
• I am getting therapy for cPTSD which I have from other stuff mostly childhood stuff.
• I haven't gone into detail about what he did because I don't think it's relevant but I will if it is.
• I won't be leaving him. I can't even if I wanted to but I don't want to.

I didn't put a poll as it's not really an either/ or but just - is this all normal and will pass, or am I damaging my relationship by not moving on from it?

This sounds really good. I think a some pps are expecting you to make decisions very quickly but that's not really fair considering the stress you've clearly been under for a long time.

That sounds good you might tell one of your friends also. I understand wanting to tell someone very close to you, but even if this friend is less close they still probably would want to help.

It weird that your family play such a central, influential role in your life while being very physically far away. What's the point?

Well, you see, we would do a fair bit of traveling 😉

I get wanting to see them a lot, as you are very close.

Otoh, I wonder what effect the frequent visits have on your mental health? If you are still recovering from CPTSD from events in your childhood, are the visits reinforcing the upset , especially as you say there's at least sometimes violence, blood etc when you visit?

I'm not saying you shouldn't visit, as you've said, you derive a lot of support from your family. I just wonder if the visits may be reinforcing trauma as well as helpful.

That list I posted from the NSPCC website someone linked - he hasn't done any of that stuff

As you are seen to struggle with connecting how abusive your husband's behaviour actually is, I will outline for you abusive behaviour that your husband has displayed towards you.

There are many different types of abuse, here are some of the types I identified from what I remember you said he did (off the top of my head):

Using Intimidation - this is linked to Physical Violence

• Making her afraid by using looks, actions or gestures
• Smashing things or destroying her property
• Controlling her behaviour and decisions through fear of his reactions or mood

Using Emotional Abuse

• Calling her names
• Making her feel as if she may be overreacting to his abusive behaviour and should be okay with/over it by now

Using Isolation

• Not wanting other people to know about his abusive behaviour

'...he doesn't want to lose the idea/ image of himself as a good person, which he is.'

This is what I would suggest working on with a therapist. You have a way of viewing your husband that is at odds with his behaviour. It is quite marked and is another reason people replying to you are struggling.

When one person is abusive in an intimate partner relationship, the other person has bought into a fantasy of the 'nice' person (think Jekyll and Hyde). Before they were abusive, they presented this character as if this is who they are. So that is the person you think you're getting and that is the person with whom you fall in love. Once the abusive side has eventually shown, the non-abusive person spends their time trying to get back to that fantasy/nice person and trying to have only those nice and safe moments.

THIS.

OP, I'm so sorry you're in this situation. This behaviour would 100% turn me into a nervous wreck. It is absolutely not OK.

For what it's worth, many (maybe most?) abusive people do not behave like assholes all the time, or they wouldn't have anyone in their lives to use as an emotional punchbag. That cognitive dissonance that you feel (but he's a lovely person/it's down to me to not push his buttons/he can't help it/he CAN be lovely) is entirely normal and horribly confusing to experience (I've been there).

I very much hope that you can get as much support as possible. This is not your fault and is absolutely unacceptable. And no, your reactions to this abuse are in NO way to blame for it.

There's 'honour violence', though - isn't there?

Which you seem to think is fine.