AIBU to still feel unsafe and want to tell someone?

[Puffinsandcoffee]

My husband has done some things to me /around me in recent years that weren't great. Nothing really terrible - not hitting or SA - but stuff that has made me definitely a bit scared of him.

It's been well over a year since he's done anything like that.

I just have two questions I thought maybe someone on here would have experience of this stuff and could answer.

One is, when did you find that you felt safe and comfortable around your husband again? Is it normal that I don't? Every time he swears or slams a door or something I get scared, and then scared he'll notice I'm scared, because he would get annoyed by that because he just wants us to move on from the stuff that happened. The world cup is stressing me out because he keeps jolting out of his chair and shouting and swearing at the TV!

The other question is, is it really vindictive that I want to tell someone in real life? I obviously won't. He'd be so hurt and really angry, because it's such an injustice to who he is in general. But there was total secrecy in my family about my dad's additions and abuses and I think because of that, having to not tell anyone about the stuff my husband has done is making me feel worse, like as if it's all happening again even though it's not.

Just to pre-empt some stuff that might come up

• I have posted about this stuff before. I spoke to Women's Aid because of replies. I don't mind my other posts being referred to but please don't "catch me out" with stuff from them. Mumsnet is the only place I can have these "conversations" and I'm not trying to be defensive or in denial or anything like that.
• I am getting therapy for cPTSD which I have from other stuff mostly childhood stuff.
• I haven't gone into detail about what he did because I don't think it's relevant but I will if it is.
• I won't be leaving him. I can't even if I wanted to but I don't want to.

I didn't put a poll as it's not really an either/ or but just - is this all normal and will pass, or am I damaging my relationship by not moving on from it?

1. I would probably never feel safe ever again around someone who has done those things multiple times.

1. Not at all vindictive. I live my life in a way that I'm proud, or at least comfortable, with everything I have done. He knows that what he has done, on multiple occasions, is not ok. That's why he wants you to keep it secret. That's not him taking accountability at all. That's him making you keep his abuses a secret, just like your dad. It's not ok at all. Why should he not take the consequences of his actions? It wasn't just a one off either, you have specified multiple different incidents - abusive is who he is.

Everything you're saying about your family background explains why you're minimising his behaviour. It's a lot worse than you think. None of it is ok. You are minimising intensely, probably for fear of what decisions you would need to make if you recognised that he was abusive, especially given your family background. You are not silly and fearful for not getting over it. Normal, decent men do not behave this way.
Please get yourself a therapist, someone you will trust to help you unpick all of this, much of which appears to have started in childhood and is resulting in you normalising some incredibly unacceptable behaviours.

I'm not unhappy, I'm just afraid, if that makes sense?

You sound terrified.

You’re imposing this fear on your own kids right now.

I understand where you are coming from.
There are specific cultural organisations that you can talk to.
Please reach out and talk to someone .

He's a really good person and he did recognise that the stuff he did was definitely not ok. I know a lot of men who do bad things like this are just not nice men but he's not like that.

He’s not a good person, and of course he’s ’like that’. Recognising that the stuff he did wasn’t OK is pointless if he’s not doing anything about it. And clearly he’s not, otherwise you wouldn’t still be scared of him. I don’t think you’re being honest with yourself, and I think deep down you know he’s not going to change - this is who he is. Which leaves you scared for as long as you choose to stay in the relationship. Only you can decide.

This is really kind and helpful. Thank you. I know he did behave in a way that was scary - and so does he.

He is not an emotionally safe person to be around and unless he has therapy or a personality transplant nothing much will change, sadly. He is ohysically and emotionally abusive. Living with someone like that will erode your self-confidence and self-trust and it takes a long time to recover from it. You will become a shadow of your former self. His behaviours are agressive and highly intimidating and everyone would be a nervous wreck on the receiving end of his behaviour. It's not ok. He needs to work on his anger management, if nothing else. You are downplaying it.

" I just feel really sad that I can't get rid of this silly fearfulness."

Your fear is not silliness, it is a survival instinct.

I am wondering why he had to get at you when he kicked in the door, what did he do when he got to you? Was it just that you were not allowed the privacy and freedom to be in a different room with a door, locked or otherwise?

I wonder how old your kids are and how much of his has affected them?

I am so sorry you are living with this. He doesn't sound nice at all.

We have the right impression, its you that has the wrong impression. Kicking down doors to get to you would be classed by the police as domestic violence and he would be arrested for that.

You think that you are not being abused and you are wrong, I am sorry but you are. You absolutely can leave and there is so much help out there to assist you to do that.

He's not a cowardly bully. I know it's not ok but he's not those things. I think I was just looking for hope that how I feel now would pass with enough time.

Calling you a cunt and a bitch (verbal abuse) and screaming at you while driving dangerously and lunging at you to making you afraid = emotional abuse. He’s trying to make you scared. That is definition of emotional abuse.

Kicking in doors and punching walls = violence.

OP are you South Asian? Perhaps worried about the wider community and what they will say?

Not if he doesn’t do anything to make you and your nervous system feel safe… why would it pass when the cause is still sitting in your living room and you’re unable to seek support?

I agree with everyone who says he's not really going to change. I don't really expect that. He's a bit angry by nature. I don't mind that. He hasn't pushed me or anything in many years, that was out of immaturity. I don't know why the stuff with the doors started happening that was more recent.

I just think if I can change my own mindset a bit, I'll feel safe again. And also be safer,because it does bother him that I hold these isolated incidents against him when the norm is by far that he's kind and fun and generous. Also not controlling at all with money or seeing friends, ever.

Sorry OP but he is. And the way you feel now won’t pass for as long as you remain afraid of him. Which will be for as long as you stay with him.

"He's said it was wrong. He said me telling anyone would be potentially relationship ending for him."

So, if the truth came out he would leave you?

No I'm not South Asian but I'm not White British either, and there are what I think some people might call cultural reasons (among other reasons) I can't leave him.

OP, the thing about abuse is: it escalates. So far he hasn’t hurt you, he’s just “pushed” you - what happens when he pushes you into something and you’re hurt? He’ll say it wasn’t his fault and he didn’t mean to…or when he has an accident as a result of his erratic driving? It’s really not OK to live in fear, and a loving husband wouldn’t behave like yours does. I’m really sorry, OP, but this won’t get better, and you will end up a nervous wreck, always waiting until “the next time”. It’s really no way to live, and is this an example that you want for your DC of how a relationship works? Speak to women’s aid - you may think you’re not in danger, but I’m sorry to tell you that you are. It’s nothing to do with your anxiety, amd everything to do with his behaviour. OP, you really need to address this situation, not just for yourself but also for your DC. His behaviour is far from normal, and sadly, it will get worse.

Where is your line? What line does he have to cross before you say enough is enough and leave?

My ex did all of this stuff to me and I stayed for a time, and then one day he kicked the bathroom door in, screamed at me for "running off like a baby", called me names, and then he choked me. When I managed to get away from him, he manhandled me onto the sofa and I managed to bite his arm.

He left no marks on my neck, police wouldn't take me seriously, but I left marks on his arm so guess who the police took seriously?

Do you want to know what started this argument? I'd asked him to get me a towel from the dryer so I could put the baby in the bath and earlier in the day I told him I was upset that he had eaten my left overs so he was in a funk.

I left after that because I know the statistics for men murdering their partners and choking statistics but looking back I should have left sooner. He almost got me a criminal conviction from his actions, he could have killed me and all of the whispers of sweet nothings and love bombing in between his outbursts were a Broadway worthy act to get me to stay.

The fear never goes. The fear is there for a reason. It's a massive warning sign. Leave him.

The driving eratically would scare me most tbh just because there is nothing at all that you can do in the moment to keep yourself and the children safe. It is the most dangerous of all his abusive actions, because it could have consequences that he didn't intend. What if another driver on the road at the same time is behaving in the same way? What if he loses control of the car and hits a tree/wall? What if he turns the car over?
He really is abusive and violent, OP. I can see this from what you have posted, no need for any imagination whatsoever.
Please get your children out of this abusive atmosphere.

OP if he’s all of these things, then why are you posting ?

If I betrayed him by telling people about these out-of-character outbursts, he'd feel so betrayed by that that it would harm his opinion of me to the extent that he might struggle to stay with me, is what he said.

You're not the problem in this relationship, he is. Your fear is not silly it's a natural reaction people have when we are exposed to violence, abuse and agression. It's a signal that you are not safe. And you aren't emotionally safe, and maybe not even physically.

Wow, and you genuinely think he’s not controlling at all ? These outbursts are not out of character. They’ve happened multiple times, and you need to accept that this is who he is. It won’t change.

Why does his opinion of you matter if he would leave you?

You should be leaving him. People in the wrong will always try and drag your name through the mud. The truth always comes out.