AIBU to still feel unsafe and want to tell someone?

[Puffinsandcoffee]

My husband has done some things to me /around me in recent years that weren't great. Nothing really terrible - not hitting or SA - but stuff that has made me definitely a bit scared of him.

It's been well over a year since he's done anything like that.

I just have two questions I thought maybe someone on here would have experience of this stuff and could answer.

One is, when did you find that you felt safe and comfortable around your husband again? Is it normal that I don't? Every time he swears or slams a door or something I get scared, and then scared he'll notice I'm scared, because he would get annoyed by that because he just wants us to move on from the stuff that happened. The world cup is stressing me out because he keeps jolting out of his chair and shouting and swearing at the TV!

The other question is, is it really vindictive that I want to tell someone in real life? I obviously won't. He'd be so hurt and really angry, because it's such an injustice to who he is in general. But there was total secrecy in my family about my dad's additions and abuses and I think because of that, having to not tell anyone about the stuff my husband has done is making me feel worse, like as if it's all happening again even though it's not.

Just to pre-empt some stuff that might come up

• I have posted about this stuff before. I spoke to Women's Aid because of replies. I don't mind my other posts being referred to but please don't "catch me out" with stuff from them. Mumsnet is the only place I can have these "conversations" and I'm not trying to be defensive or in denial or anything like that.
• I am getting therapy for cPTSD which I have from other stuff mostly childhood stuff.
• I haven't gone into detail about what he did because I don't think it's relevant but I will if it is.
• I won't be leaving him. I can't even if I wanted to but I don't want to.

I didn't put a poll as it's not really an either/ or but just - is this all normal and will pass, or am I damaging my relationship by not moving on from it?

I didn’t get over it.

i knew he’d scared me before and it was always a possibility again.

ime he wants to forget he scared you and move on but won’t put the work in to actually stop scaring you again.

I think you are focusing here on the symptoms not the disease.

The symptoms are what's happened. The disease is your relationship and your evident unhappiness and fear within it.

The most common treatment for the disease is divorce. Very rarely counselling may work where both parties recognise the problem.

Don't delude yourself OP that what you are experiencing is normal. It is not.

Thank you for replying. I'm sorry you've had a similar experience. Can I ask, do you just live with the fear? Is it ok, like it recedes enough that you're ok?

It’s not normal to feel scared in a relationship. That’s the be all and end all of it.

He sounds volatile. You’re just waiting for his temper to be turned on you again.

Are you talking to your therapist about this, specifically? Not just the childhood stuff? You’re scared today because you live with a man who has given you reason to be scared. Not because of anything that happened years ago.

Once bitten twice shy.
Moving on is not something you can force.
You know whatever it was he did before might possibly happen again.

You can only decide to live with it and possibly try to let it go, but you cannot forget it.

Thank you for replying. Divorce really isn't an option at all. I couldn't leave him even if I wanted to and I don't want to.

I'm not unhappy, I'm just afraid, if that makes sense? He makes me laugh and he just yesterday said such nice things to me. He's a really good person and he did recognise that the stuff he did was definitely not ok. I know a lot of men who do bad things like this are just not nice men but he's not like that.

Yes I spoke to her today about the stuff he did as it came up. But I think I'm scared because it's like I've been waiting for it to happen anyway? Because men are scary? Not because of him in himself. Does that make sense?

OP this won't get better.
Whatever he did in the past that has scarred you so much is a possibility in the future. Leopards don't change their spots and a man who has shattered your confidence and left you a nervous wreck may do it again.

Is this how you want to live?
Walking on eggshells afraid to show your true feelings?
It's a massive red flag that he gets annoyed at your reactions and the fact that you feel that talking to someone about your fears is somehow disloyal to him is another.

Please please contact Women's Aid again, or speak to someone close to you IRL.

Why not tell here. That would not be disloyal.

Yeah I just lived with it.

i made sure certain situations never happened if you see what I mean. I was never in a situation where the kids had borrowed my car and I had no way to leave the house. Escape routes at all times.

eventually he was violent to our adult daughter and I called the police (she had some quite spectacular bruises but no permanent damage). She thinks he is genuinely evil now and tells him to his face which I don’t think he likes (she is graduated and living independently).

she’s made clear to him if he ever hurts her again she’ll try to destroy his life (and honestly she’d probably succeed).

i won’t be in the same room as him anymore, and frankly my life is much better. After a couple of years I actually started feeling safe.

No OP not all men are scary.

Kindly no, it doesn’t make complete sense. It sounds like you’re minimising his factual behaviour. He’s violent. You haven’t ’made that happen’ by waiting for it. Not all men are scary.

I definitely can't talk to anyone IRL, and there would be no benefit, but mumsnet is a godsend for me and I'm so grateful that people take the time to reply to me because I sometimes think I have no sense of normal at all.

He didn't do anything all that bad - I did wonder if omitting it would make people imagine the worst. It was just stuff like he kicked the door into a room I was in until it broke, and punching walls which is just stupid behaviour obviously, he hurt himself and damaged the wall. Swearing at me/ calling me horrible names and pushing me a few times. Nothing worse, nothing that would make someone else a "nervous wreck" Just, his misfortune is that I was already susceptible to being a nervous wreck!!

OP we can only go by what you tell us.

You have told us that you are living in fear. That is absolutely not normal.

I don't know if what you say is true or not because I don't know you but if it is then you need either to leave or jointly get counselling so your fears are put to rest (if they can be).

I think what he did is relevant, because there are certain behaviours that are known to be part of patterns of escalation and make you statistically more likely to be seriously hurt or killed. You don't need to describe them on here but I think you should talk it out with someone - what about Samaritans?

Gosh I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through and your poor daughter too. She sounds really brave and so do you.

I know what you mean that I am more careful now about what I say or do in certain situations especially when he's already stressed.

But - sorry if I'm being stupid - how do you not be in the same room as him? Do you mean you left him in the end?

You know sometimes it doesn’t matter a jot how sorry someone is. Or that they want to change. Or that they apologise and hope to move on.
In the end, what they’ve done has been done and can’t be undone.
He acted in a way that scared you, and that has repercussions.

It isn’t normal to feel this way in a relationship and you don’t have to stay in the relationship. Swearing, slamming doors etc… you don’t actually have to live with that going on around you. Your life will be what you make it in the end.

OP this behaviour would turn many, many women into nervous wrecks. That's why they do it. Fear is not some failure on your part, it's a completely legitimate reaction that is trying to tell you something.

It was just stuff like he kicked the door into a room I was in until it broke, and punching walls which is just stupid behaviour obviously, he hurt himself and damaged the wall. Swearing at me/ calling me horrible names and pushing me a few times. Nothing worse, nothing that would make someone else a "nervous wreck" Just, his misfortune is that I was already susceptible to being a nervous wreck!!

Good grief. That is violent behaviour. Without question: that is categorically appalling and violent behaviour. Your body knows this even if your brain doesn’t yet. And that is why you react and feel scared when he shouts at the football. Please listen to your body and the women of MN on this

OP....you are minimising his behaviour.
He pushed you, called you horrible names and became violent.

So many abusive relationships start like this...first it's " just names" then it's " just the wall" and then it escalated.

You do not need to be looking for a way to live with or get over your fear. You are accepting and internalising a very dangerous role.

Please please talk to someone.
Womens aid Samaritans ?

That would make anyone a nervous wreck. Why are you minimising so much? Why the insistence you must stay in an abusive relationship? Do you have children? This is NOT o.k. at all.

OK - sorry - I should have included what he did. So

• he has pushed me a few times or like manhandled me a bit, which was more in early days in our relationship. I don't like that but I wouldn't say he's done that in years.
• he's called me the c word and also a bitch when he's really angry. Maybe that's prudish of me but it really hurts me, I really dislike the words and they feel like they're full of hate at the time tbh
• I was in my baby's bedroom (baby wasn't there) to get away from him during an argument and he kicked the door until it broke to get into me even though the door wasn't locked so he could have just opened it
• he did the same to the bathroom door once, which was the scariest time ever because the door was locked so I knew he wasn't just kicking it in anger but to get into me
• a few times we've been arguing in the car and he'd start driving really angry like really hard accelerating and breaking, screaming at me like actual wordless screams, that kind of thing.
• sometimes angry he has made these sudden jerky moves at me, like you know when a dog lunges at something it's going to bite but he's never hit me or anything like that.

I think that's prob everything. We've been together my whole adult life so over that span of like 20 years, these are very very rare occasions.

He didn't do anything all that bad - I did wonder if omitting it would make people imagine the worst. It was just stuff like he kicked the door into a room I was in until it broke, and punching walls which is just stupid behaviour obviously, he hurt himself and damaged the wall. Swearing at me/ calling me horrible names and pushing me a few times. Nothing worse, nothing that would make someone else a "nervous wreck" Just, his misfortune is that I was already susceptible to being a nervous wreck!!

You are a ‘nervous wreck’ because he has shown a lot of violent behaviour and you know that violence escalates.

You know that when someone gets so angry that they have to punch something, then it’s only a matter of time before they punch you.

FWIW I feel completely safe in my home.
The only time I’ve sent flinched is hearing a big, unexpected bang outside.
I would never, ever have another adult in my home that made me feel uncomfortable or scared.

The world can be a scary place.
Your home should be the one place where you feel completely safe.

You could speak to the police about this. It is that level of seriousness.

Oh OP it made me sad to read this. My DH’s demeanour and behaviour only serves to remind me daily that NOT all Men are scary.

I know you say you can’t divorce him, but why is that? Culture? Religion? There is always a way out with the right support.