AIBU to still feel unsafe and want to tell someone?

[Puffinsandcoffee]

My husband has done some things to me /around me in recent years that weren't great. Nothing really terrible - not hitting or SA - but stuff that has made me definitely a bit scared of him.

It's been well over a year since he's done anything like that.

I just have two questions I thought maybe someone on here would have experience of this stuff and could answer.

One is, when did you find that you felt safe and comfortable around your husband again? Is it normal that I don't? Every time he swears or slams a door or something I get scared, and then scared he'll notice I'm scared, because he would get annoyed by that because he just wants us to move on from the stuff that happened. The world cup is stressing me out because he keeps jolting out of his chair and shouting and swearing at the TV!

The other question is, is it really vindictive that I want to tell someone in real life? I obviously won't. He'd be so hurt and really angry, because it's such an injustice to who he is in general. But there was total secrecy in my family about my dad's additions and abuses and I think because of that, having to not tell anyone about the stuff my husband has done is making me feel worse, like as if it's all happening again even though it's not.

Just to pre-empt some stuff that might come up

• I have posted about this stuff before. I spoke to Women's Aid because of replies. I don't mind my other posts being referred to but please don't "catch me out" with stuff from them. Mumsnet is the only place I can have these "conversations" and I'm not trying to be defensive or in denial or anything like that.
• I am getting therapy for cPTSD which I have from other stuff mostly childhood stuff.
• I haven't gone into detail about what he did because I don't think it's relevant but I will if it is.
• I won't be leaving him. I can't even if I wanted to but I don't want to.

I didn't put a poll as it's not really an either/ or but just - is this all normal and will pass, or am I damaging my relationship by not moving on from it?

I also find it interesting that you are so concerned with the good opinion of your family.

What about your opinion of them?

Why do they get to essentially hold you hostage with their opinions?

Thank you - you 've been so kind and seem to really understand.

I do get what you mean with : I'm wondering if there's any way that you could use your culture to make sure that you're safe from him. Because I'll bet he would never dare risk their anger with him. They're genuinely hard men - he's only acting out by frightening a woman. Does that make sense?
You're absolutely right about that. Men in my family know how to fight and aren't afraid to get hurt. But my brother/ cousins etc definitely "behave themselves" around him. He's on a pedestal in some ways, or protected anyway, as an outsider. Things they'd do to each other, they wouldn't do to him. So I think there's zero chance of, say, physical threat to him. Which of course I wouldn't want. But a lower opinion of him is a significant threat in itself, and what he's done would certainly bring that about. And yes, I think there are things - e.g. rape - that would be beyond the pale. Not much else, that they don't think I can handle myself without their input.

I think there's also a sense, from him and from them, that I'm not easily intimidated and can look after myself. For my family, marrying him, going to uni, being "hard work"- that's like, part of this view of me as more fearless than I really am, which I know for sure my brother and cousins and sister and mother and many others at home have of me. That I don't take shit from people and do whatever I like. Ha. Ha. Ha.

For him, he had no idea how terrified I was when he was trying to kick the bathroom door down. Obv most women would be, but I do wonder if he thinks - well, she's not like that. She knows I wouldn't do anything worse. She's seen worse. And in some of these incidents, my presentation has been more along the lines of "who the hell do you think you are?", until I switch into this dissociation instead. I probably don't look remotely afraid at the time. He thinks I am difficult to intimidate (not that he's trying! I mean, he sees me as someone who can stick up for myself, and has a lot of moral clarity and moral courage. Like, how could she - who grew up with a violent addict - be afraid of me?

"Acts of honour that happen to be against the law" and which landed a man in prison...

There are other communities with notions of "honour", leading to absolutely shocking acts against women. I think defending any man for committing a crime "of honour" that carries a jail sentence is very, very far from "moral", OP.

Can I ask how old your kids are? I'm sorry if it's already been explained.

And also, you describe continuing addiction, violence etc within your family who you visit often. Are your kids aware of this? Do they come on visits too?

It's worth noting that some members if the WSPU, the organisation the Pankhursts headed, essentially committed terrorist acts (bombs placed in theatres, for one). The Pankhursts themselves encouraged a 'reign of terror'

I admire suffragettes who did stuff like refusing taxes or chaining to railings, that didn't hurt anyone else. But hurting and scaring other people for a cause isn't acceptable.

I'd say the same for the period when Mandela condoned extrajudicial executions (necklacing)

Sorry, that got a bit off topic though!

You make a lot of excuses for him. The idea that a grown man wouldn't know that a woman would be terrified of him totally losing his shit is just silly and I think you know that. The whole point of losing his shit is to scare you. The reason he doesn't want you to tell anyone is because is fully 100% aware of how awful it is. Stop fooling yourself.

If his own mother knew about his behaviour what would her view be?

Thank you, this makes sense.

If so many men (and women?) in your community have PTSD, is this why your family seem somewhat dismissive of your CPTSD?

Maybe they aren't dismissive, and if I've misunderstood I'm sorry.

But it's just that from what you've said they do seem somewhat dismissive of your CPTSD. You say that they would think what your husband has done isn't very serious at all. Wouldn't they worry about the effect on you? You have CPTSD and being scared like this, the way you've described, is really bad for you. It's seems worrying to me that your family seem to be playing down the effect of his behaviour on you.

That enlightenment might equally be owing to your having had an education. (Though that doesn’t prevent you from seeking to excuse rancid male behaviour wherever and why ever it erupts, blighting your life.)
I’m alarmed by your strong defence, throughout your updates, of this walled-in culture whose strong moral code you so admire. It lands many of its men in jail, but that’s apparently all a cultural misalignment.
Doesn’t it ever strike you that none of us has the moral right to flout the essential tenets of our common social contract, including any minority group with opposing tenets of their own?
I think one could be persuaded in cases where that minority was clearly living a life of Golden Age ideals, in harmony among themselves, in an equal and respectful balance between the sexes, and without any shadow of generational trauma of any kind.
But that isn't the case among your own, by the sound of it, and all this handwringing that’s required in order to live with the probability of male violence needs to end, or nothing will ever improve.
You have daughters’ lives to protect and guide. (Away from all this acceptance)

For my family, marrying him, going to uni, being "hard work"- that's like, part of this view of me as more fearless than I really am,

• are they not aware/do they no accept you have CPTSD?

No one is aware I have cPTSD except my husband, and my boss because I need time off for medical stuff.

Edited to add, one friend knows.

She'd be devastated, for him especially I think.

And that's really kind of you. I'm just trying to understand really. I do have some points of reference that may help me put myself in your shoes but as I don't have any obvious answers I don't know how much use that is!

But a lower opinion of him is a significant threat in itself, and what he's done would certainly bring that about.

Yes, this might be a possible approach. Can you "threaten" him with that in some way (but make sure you're safe first - don't ever forget to be careful!)? If you had even one person you could tell this to IRL that would make a huge difference in terms of your safety. I'm convinced he's playing a double role here, and fear of others seeing through him could have an effect (but is also why you need to make sure you're always safe above all else!)

I think there's also a sense, from him and from them, that I'm not easily intimidated and can look after myself ... more fearless than I really am

That's really relevant in terms of your family's opinion, for sure.

For him, he had no idea how terrified I was when he was trying to kick the bathroom door down. Obv most women would be, but I do wonder if he thinks - well, she's not like that. She knows I wouldn't do anything worse. She's seen worse. And in some of these incidents, my presentation has been more along the lines of "who the hell do you think you are?", until I switch into this dissociation instead. I probably don't look remotely afraid at the time. He thinks I am difficult to intimidate (not that he's trying! I mean, he sees me as someone who can stick up for myself, and has a lot of moral clarity and moral courage. Like, how could she - who grew up with a violent addict - be afraid of me?

I suspect he knows it more than you realise, because why does he only do it when there's nobody around? And you said he'd be annoyed if you showed that you were afraid of him - so that proves that he can tell himself it's ok as long as you don't show the effect it has on you. He can minimise it because you're so strong - but in reality he knows what he's doing.

He threatens to leave you if you tell anyone - but leaving would put him in a bad position, right? Being the one to cause the break up? So I think he's calling your bluff on that. I think you need to think about that, see if there's anything useful there. (I don't want to make any suggestions that could make things worse - it's just an angle to think about.)

Different question, if I may: you've been together 20 years. I don't know if you've said how old your children are, but if they're mid to late teens, I imagine they must know or suspect something? (Don't give out info that might identify you, obv - the exact answer doesn't really matter. It's just if they're all under 10 it's not the same as if they're 15-19 for example)

Kids are all early primary or younger.

They do visit family with me, but have never witnessed any violence. That behaviour doesn't take place at kid-friendly family events ordinarily!

So he knows, and yet he still acts in ways that have caused you to dissociate?
While controlling hiself enough to hide his behaviour from other people?

IMO - he knows what he's doing there.

Could this friend be someone you could confide in?
Also I see you mentioned his mother. Worth thinking about talking to her? Telling her you've had enough of his behaviour and that, bad and all as your family history is (assuming she knows it) that his behaviour is the last straw for you?

She won't know you think leaving is not an option.

Again, giving you the benefit of the doubt: if you really want to enlighten me, it'll have to be without the white feminism. i.e the tone of "agree with me, disparage your own culture and go get yourself a divorce and a career like a true feminist, or you're only a handmaiden of your culture's patriarchy, which is so much worse than my culture's patriarchy."

Yes well as I said, I did think we were at the limits of mutual understanding there. We can agree to disagree.

Though to be clear, there are no "honour killings" in my community for interpersonal wrongs like cheating, and killing women is, basically, never honourable.

I would never dream of speaking to his mother about this. She has enough to worry about. She's old. She adores him and it would break her heart. And it's not her responsibility.

My friend, maybe. She's going through a hard time at the moment and I don't want to burden her. But maybe I could tell her something once this thing she's dealing with is over.

@Emilesgran Can you "threaten" him with that in some way (but make sure you're safe first - don't ever forget to be careful!)? If you had even one person you could tell this to IRL that would make a huge difference in terms of your safety. I'm convinced he's playing a double role here, and fear of others seeing through him could have an effect (but is also why you need to make sure you're always safe above all else!)
Yes. I think after all of this thread, I'm wondering if I could just tell him that I will tell someone in my family if anything happens again. I have been thinking - in the background - who could I tell? And I've had some ideas. I think my brother's wife is an option actually. I could maybe tell her. And if I told my husband that I'll tell SIL about it all if there's a next time - not in a confrontational way, but in a - this is my limit kind of way, and after that I'll need my family's input on what the right thing to do is. I think maybe that could be a good next step.

Thank you so much, you've really helped. As has all 27 pages. Really it all has helped.

I see.

That's important information.

Is there a reason why you don't want/feel you can tell your family you have CPTSD?

It's just that the CPTSD seems an important component of the situation since it makes his behavior- which would be scary anyway- even more scary. If your family knew you had CPTSD, would they understand more why his behavior is so scary to you?it's just that if you're so close & rely on each other so much, I'd assumed they knew.
But if you don't want to tell them, I can understand that.

That sounds good I think - "this is my limit and I'm not going to let you play the perfect man when this is how you act in private". It's good too because you don't need to tell him you're afraid of him (which might be giving him more power over you) but fits the strong version of you that most people see.

I love my family. The best of them are the best people I've ever met or could imagine meeting. My husband agrees. Their opinion matters because, in my view, collectively they have a pretty much infallible moral compass.

I can't tell them, because it would open that whole can of worms about my dad that we don't talk about. My brother and I do, but only recently. I don't want to go there. Maybe some day.

OK. This has been really hard for me and also really, really helpful. I cannot believe I've got to a point where I really think I will tell someone in my family, maybe even next time I see them - just in a low key, this happened, does you r husband do that, what do you think - kind of way and take it from there. And I think I'll also one of my friends.

That may not sound like much to anyone here, but for me it was unthinkable on Sunday. Thank you all so much. There's a few posters who've been really especially kind and understanding and I'm so grateful 💜 But I'm even grateful for the cross and judgy ones 😂 The whole thread. Thank you so much.

OK, I understand. 💐