AIBU to still feel unsafe and want to tell someone?

[Puffinsandcoffee]

My husband has done some things to me /around me in recent years that weren't great. Nothing really terrible - not hitting or SA - but stuff that has made me definitely a bit scared of him.

It's been well over a year since he's done anything like that.

I just have two questions I thought maybe someone on here would have experience of this stuff and could answer.

One is, when did you find that you felt safe and comfortable around your husband again? Is it normal that I don't? Every time he swears or slams a door or something I get scared, and then scared he'll notice I'm scared, because he would get annoyed by that because he just wants us to move on from the stuff that happened. The world cup is stressing me out because he keeps jolting out of his chair and shouting and swearing at the TV!

The other question is, is it really vindictive that I want to tell someone in real life? I obviously won't. He'd be so hurt and really angry, because it's such an injustice to who he is in general. But there was total secrecy in my family about my dad's additions and abuses and I think because of that, having to not tell anyone about the stuff my husband has done is making me feel worse, like as if it's all happening again even though it's not.

Just to pre-empt some stuff that might come up

• I have posted about this stuff before. I spoke to Women's Aid because of replies. I don't mind my other posts being referred to but please don't "catch me out" with stuff from them. Mumsnet is the only place I can have these "conversations" and I'm not trying to be defensive or in denial or anything like that.
• I am getting therapy for cPTSD which I have from other stuff mostly childhood stuff.
• I haven't gone into detail about what he did because I don't think it's relevant but I will if it is.
• I won't be leaving him. I can't even if I wanted to but I don't want to.

I didn't put a poll as it's not really an either/ or but just - is this all normal and will pass, or am I damaging my relationship by not moving on from it?

But they are not out of character at all, they are just not what he wants to admit to.

This is very much IN character for him and he doesnt want you to shine a light on it as it wont be seen as "ok" by anyone else.

OP I really didn't want to sound harsh above but you mentiobed that you're not in denial. I really think you are. I agree that your childhood has probably skewed your sense of normal so you're thinking this isn't that bad.

You are right to feel scared. Your body is screaming at you to tell you.

I suffer with anxiety and I'm so used to feeling anxious that sometimes I push aside real messages my gut is telling me. Like when my kids are sick I might gaslight myself that I'm just being too anxious. I've been relearning to listen to my intuition. Thankfully, because it's meant I've rightly made decisions to go to a&e/doctor when it was very much needed.

If your body is screaming at you please listen. Honestly I think the only thing your childhood has to do with this is that's it's meant you've stayed. I'd have been out of there after that first push/lunge/door kick. Seriously. This is NOT. Normal.

So if you tell the truth about his actions he cannot cope with it. Do you hear how wrong that is OP?

Yeah, I know. This is a fair question. I don't think it's "stopped". I just feel very sure it won't escalate. It'll continue but it's not a big deal. He's not going to kill me or physically hurt me.

I agree, sadly! But all the same, he's actually an amazing person most of the time he really is, and I have been really hard to live with sometimes and he's been such a huge support to me during some really awful experiences.

I thought that until my (now ex) husband tried to strangle me and thankfully the police arrived in time.

Never say never when it comes to violent men, especially when they sense that you have had enough.

You don't know that. He is using alienating tactics. He is displaying a huge lack of impulse control.
Many spousal deaths even through abuse are accidental. They didn't mean to take it that far. They don't know what came over them it was like a red fog. They weren't thinking about the consequences of their actions.

Unless you've polished your crystal ball recently you've no idea that he wouldn't hurt you or kill you.

And if you've got kids in the house while this is happening exposure to this is also child abuse. He is abusing you all. You need to get out.

It'll continue but it's not a big deal. He's not going to kill me or physically hurt me.

You tell yourself that. You may even believe it. But deep down you know it isn't true and your body is telling you to be afraid.

There is no way out of this OP if you stay with him. You will live in fear for the rest of your life with him because you can't tell your body not to feel fear when it is right for it to feel it.

So he can leave you if you seek support for the very reasonable fear after he smashed up parts of the marital home... but you can't leave him?

A friend of mine moved overseas to escape a family like this.

Men this angry are not normal and it sounds as if you are in an oppressive and traumatised/traumatising network of damaged men and their enablers. I am sorry to hear xx

The behaviour you describe is all too common, sadly, but it is 100% abusive, and I think you know that on some level or you wouldn’t be posting. Fear shouldn’t exist in a good relationship.

Given the feelings you’re experiencing I’d suggest reading up on the various forms abuse, control and trauma can take, to help you realise that this isn’t your fault and that your fear is a normal response to abusive behaviour. To start with I’d recommend Lundy Bancroft’s Why Does He Do That? And Bessel van der Kolk‘s The Body Keeps The Score.

No he didn't witness/ experience any abuse in childhood or until he married me unfortunately and then being around my family - obviously no one has ever hit him or anything, but there's alot of addiction and volatility as a result of that.

Please whatever else happens stop blaming yourself. You are not the problem.

I think it's not possible for me to be any help to you as I cannot imagine living with a man I felt afraid of. I wish you well.

@Puffinsandcoffee”I’m not unhappy, I’m just afraid”. You can’t be afraid and happy, I’m sorry to say.

You sound like me with my ex fiance. he never actually punched me but things like he smashed up the kitchen whilst I was in a corner of it (he was 6ft3), when I was cowering trying to protect myself from him as he hit the sofa whilst I was on it he said “you can’t hide from me you’re pathetic”, also called me terrible names (also c word and bitch, horrendous explosions and anger in public places. Trip wire temper. Controlling and jealous. He grabbed me round the throat once in bed and I thought he was trying to be kinky but he asked me afterwards if I was afraid of him when he did that - so unnerving looking back

Any professional will tell you his behaviour is domestic abuse. It’s designed to intimidate and control, and that’s why you’re fearful of himself. They don’t have to hit you

I didn’t get over being afraid of my ex. People said I was brave for leaving but the reality was after the last blow up I would actually tremble around him. I remember saying to my sister that it’s so strange to love someone but be afraid of them at the same time (it felt like the two emotions kept overtaking each other with one in the lead) and she set me straight by saying they aren’t compatible emotions. You can’t love him and be afraid of him. It’s not love it’s a coercive dynamic. No one is happy and afraid at the same time.

I would strongly consider telling someone in real life who you trust. Someone who you think will handle it compassionately. Why is it you don’t think you can tell anyone? In my experience people absolutely didn’t interject themselves. Are you worried they will just tell you to leave him?

And yes, they always want to move past it and forget about it (ironically making you afraid to show that you’re afraid), but they don’t ever do the work to stop a repeat occurrence. Thats why the fear doesn’t go, because they haven’t changed I’m sorry to say

In terms of your comment that “all men are scary” I would be really careful of this too. I felt that way about my ex but it trapped me with him for longer. The reality was I had an awful father and he was awful but there are men who can be a force for good in your life who aren’t scary. Ive been married now 6 years to a lovely man. But I nearly went back to my ex months after we broke up because I was so scared of dating someone even worse than him and thought at least I know what the deal is with him

I’m so sorry that you have a baby and they are also now witnessing his rages

Why don’t you feel you can leave? I hope you don’t mind me asking. I was humbled by how hard it was when I didn’t even have a baby with my ex and I wasn’t financially dependent on him (as much as he tried to get me into that position). As I said ultimately I just became too afraid to be around him and started trembling near him, my body made the decision for me

You and your child deserve true happiness and peace xx

Please look at the freedom programme if you haven't already. It could save your life.

Don’t really understand why you are posting, not going to leave him and you have said in more than 1 post he’s amazing 🤷🏼‍♀️. Smashing, crack on then with your bizarre life

I really am certain it won't escalate. Surely it would have done by now if it was going to?

I do have some friends who would accept me leaving, even for no reason at all, I think. But my family, who I really do love, would judge me very harshly. And I share their values, I really trust their core principles, they really are worth listening to. It's just, they know, as do I, that I am safe with him. It would be seen as a massive overreaction on my part which damaged my wee family and did harm to my husband who's already very much become part of my family, at some cost to his relationship with his own family.

I should add that reading up on this as I’ve suggested is only the first step in realising you deserve better, and hopefully getting you and your children away from this man. PPs are right to suggest leaving him, but you have to see this for yourself and this may require some work. Please be safe
in the meantime as he sounds genuinely dangerous.

‘If you tell people about my abuse I’ll be so disappointed in you that I’ll leave.’

Jesus Christ.

Have you discussed this in therapy? Told Women’s Aid?

Are any of your kids girls? If your daughter was living your life in 20 years and came to you for advice, what would you tell her?

I don't mind my other posts being referred but I have never said what my background is - just want to repeat that here now. I have never said and won't say. It's probably relevant that it's a minority ethnic group, a fairly closed/ insular? community, and a bit male-dominated.

This being your abusive volatile family full of addicts and violence? Them?

OP, he's NOT a great Dad if he mistreats and abuses his wife. A great Dad respects and cherishes the mother of his kids.

He's abusive, volatile and aggressive and you are living your life on egg-shells. Whether or not you choose that for yourself is one thing - but you cannot continue this for your children's sakes. Your responsibility and your absolute duty is to nurture and protect your kids. That can't happen while you're living with this man.

@Puffinsandcoffeeanother thing which really helped me was doing a pros and cons list of the good things about him and the relationship, and the bad. I then walked through that list with someone who knew him and the relationship (maybe you could with your therapist?). What amazed me was how clouded my judgment was on terms of how I was seeing the situation. I had written all of these positives that just weren’t reflecting the reality and I missed out a lot of the negatives

I was in a very similar relationship. He never actually hit me but he was verbally abusive and threw things around the house, sometimes to the point where I'd have to leave the house because I was scared either he would hit me or the flying objects would. It took me a while to leave, but eventually I did - it's no way to live because you're always on egg shells waiting for the next thing. It's normal to be mildly annoyed if your football team loses but it's not normal to shout and swear and kick doors in. It's still abuse because of the way it makes you feel. Now I don't have to deal with that, I am much calmer and feel much more able to do the things I want to do and my family and friends noticed the difference in me. Yours might be more understanding than you're imagining.

No, I think that's terrible and so obviously a cold-blooded threat to kill her. My husband has never ever done anything like that. It's all in anger, under intolerable stress.