AIBU to still feel unsafe and want to tell someone?

[Puffinsandcoffee]

My husband has done some things to me /around me in recent years that weren't great. Nothing really terrible - not hitting or SA - but stuff that has made me definitely a bit scared of him.

It's been well over a year since he's done anything like that.

I just have two questions I thought maybe someone on here would have experience of this stuff and could answer.

One is, when did you find that you felt safe and comfortable around your husband again? Is it normal that I don't? Every time he swears or slams a door or something I get scared, and then scared he'll notice I'm scared, because he would get annoyed by that because he just wants us to move on from the stuff that happened. The world cup is stressing me out because he keeps jolting out of his chair and shouting and swearing at the TV!

The other question is, is it really vindictive that I want to tell someone in real life? I obviously won't. He'd be so hurt and really angry, because it's such an injustice to who he is in general. But there was total secrecy in my family about my dad's additions and abuses and I think because of that, having to not tell anyone about the stuff my husband has done is making me feel worse, like as if it's all happening again even though it's not.

Just to pre-empt some stuff that might come up

• I have posted about this stuff before. I spoke to Women's Aid because of replies. I don't mind my other posts being referred to but please don't "catch me out" with stuff from them. Mumsnet is the only place I can have these "conversations" and I'm not trying to be defensive or in denial or anything like that.
• I am getting therapy for cPTSD which I have from other stuff mostly childhood stuff.
• I haven't gone into detail about what he did because I don't think it's relevant but I will if it is.
• I won't be leaving him. I can't even if I wanted to but I don't want to.

I didn't put a poll as it's not really an either/ or but just - is this all normal and will pass, or am I damaging my relationship by not moving on from it?

Yes, them.

Dear OP, threatening to leave you if you tell is controlling and abusive. Why shouldn't a woman tell someone if she has been hurt, or is afraid? Stopping you from seeking support, care and comfort is not loving or kind. The message here is that his welfare is more important than yours yet he is the one who behaved badly. Please listen to the wise women here, many of whom have been through the same thing, and seek professional support. Best wishes

Do you ever smash things up and swear and raise your voice until the other person trembles with fear when you're under intolerable stress OP?

I'd put money on you not. Stress is not an excuse for his violent behaviour.

Being a wife is not an acceptable reason to tolerate abuse.

Having certain values or principals or religious believes and doctrines is no good if you end up dead, whether by accident or on purpose.

This thread makes me very sad for you, OP. This is not normal male behaviour. You’re clearly in a social setting that accepts and normalises male violence against women. So what if he earns a living and supports his family? That’s what decent spouses and parents do - it’s not a licence to inflict violence on fellow family members.

What you describe is very violent behaviour. Your fear reaction is normal. You’re very compliant so your husband hasn’t actually felt a need to hit you but that is most definitely in his armoury. When he kicks in doors to get to you and thumps walls, he is terrorising you. He is showing just how angry you have made him. He is showing you what he could do to you if he wished.

As PPs have said, your fear reaction is actually a normal and healthy response and consequence of how he has behaved. Unfortunately, because you are in a social setting which is far too comfortable with male violence against women, he is not experiencing proper consequences. None of the violent men around you are. But he doesn’t even have the balls to accept your fear reaction as a natural consequence of his behaviour but just wants you to act like everything is fine. This is not about you doing anything wrong. It is about what he has done very wrong.

Three things my womens aid worker said helped me put things in perspective and leave.

1. If your Mum/best friend/daughter was in the same situation what would you advise them?

1. Does he behave the same way with other people- his family, friends, boss? If yes its an anger issue. If not its a control/abuse issue.

1. Do you want your children to grow up and think these things are normal or acceptable behaviour? To copy the abuse or to learn to tolerate it?

They’re violent abusive addicts, but you share their values, I really trust their core principles, they really are worth listening to?

What are these values? Why are these people worth listening to?

Why aren’t YOU judging them?

You are giving your own children the childhood that has traumatised you so much.

He is though. Why would you worry about someone’s opinion if they don’t care about you?

Id guess youre from the traveller community from the description. Be safe, OP x

What he did was bad @Puffinsandcoffee . To say it’s his misfortune that you were already susceptible to being a nervous wreck is very sad indeed. Anyone would be scared. I was scared of my ex and he didn’t go as far as your husband.

These aren't examples of a good man.
No one on here will think he is.
He sounds like a nasty piece of work and you are minimising it and making excuses for him.
You get one chance at this life are you prepared to look back at this and think you had a good life with this excuse of a man ?

There are many addicts in my family, and many violent men. There is some overlap between the two groups. There are also many people who know what it's like to live with a violent addict and have shown huge amounts of courage and generosity and compassion in navigating that. And there are certain values and principles that are fundamental to who I am, that arise directly from belonging to this community. The addiction and the violence are symptoms of huge trauma and discrimination and violence my community has faced. Yes, they most definitely are worth listening to.

Why are you staying with him?? Sort your finances, make a plan, don’t forewarn him and just leave. Life is so very short and you & your adult daughter have suffered enough. 🤗

So let him go.

He’s a bully and bullies pick on vulnerable people

OP I'm not going to try and tell you to leave him because you a clearly not there (yet).

This is the answer to your question. Will you ever get over the fear? NO. Why? Because there is nothing YOU can do to change it. HE has to change. And just not doing it for a long time is not changing. Because he can go back to doing it again at any second. As long as HE is not making any effort to chang his behaviour and triggers YOU will always be afraid he will snap again. Any bad day can suddenly set him off.

HE needs to get therapy
HE needs to see and admit that he is causing you fear.
YOU need to be willing to leave if it happens again.
HE needs to know that you will and believe it, so YOU need to have an exit plan and follow threw.
The two of you need to be able to have regular discussion about HIS anger issues about how it effects, you and your children and what the strategies are for preventing and dealing with them, without it ever becoming YOUR problem, fault or thing to manage.

Most of all HE needs to acknowledge that this is HIS problem, HIS fault, HE needs to work on solutions, HE needs to put in the work and HE needs to prove to you that HE wants to be better and is continually working on it.

As long as this change doesn't happen you will always be afraid. And the fact that he doesn't want you to talk about it with others, will think your silly if you tell him he scares you or your afraid it will upset him, tells me he is not prepared to put in the work. He will not admit he is the problem. Will probably try to make you partially to blame (you made me angry, your just being sensitive, you know it was bad timing,) or other external factors (I was stressed, tired, working hard, the baby was crying to much, traffic was horrendous, someone was rude to me).

Again, You will always be afraid unless he is genuinely willing to change, take full responsibility and put in the work. Nothing you do or change will make you feel safe with him.

This is miles more than you let on in your original post, this is rather serious. You do need to get out. Sorry.

My kids are young still, not in their teens. He's kind to them only a bit shouty sometimes. They've never witnessed any of this stuff. I can say with certainty that my kids aren't growing up in the same environment I did.

I am taking on board that this may not be a great environment for them, but it's worlds away from what I grew up in.

It sounds terrifying. You are not a wimp. Your childhood abuse probably means you have put up with more than you should, which is very sad.

Not all men are violent - DH is not at all like that, nor was my DF or DB.

Sounds like they use it as an excuse to deny and justify abhorrent behaviour. Someone has to break the cycle. Do it for your children. You can’t let them grow up thinking this is normal in any shape or form. Kids remember.

If you could do anything you liked, free from repercussions, consequences and judgements, what would it be?

Absolutely they don't. One of the saddest things about it all is how much denial and secrecy there is about the addictions.

Also, I think it's maybe relevant my husband isn't from this community. He's just a white British man!

So, the addicts and violent men get navigated with courage and generosity and compassion, but you’d be harshly judged for leaving an abusive husband? That makes sense to you?

I’ll ask again: What are these values?

I need to go to bed now. I am so so grateful for every reply, I really am. I'll come back in the morning, but I just also maybe should say that I definitely wouldn't ever go to the police about anything to do with all of this even if he did stuff like that again.

And realistically there is no chance I will be leaving him. That's not meant to be dismissive of all the many posts suggesting I should - I am grateful and I am listening. But I really can't do that, and I don't want to.

This cowardly man is probably aware that if you told your family about his abuse, they may well be violent to him.

So, that’s fine then? It’s toxic, but not as toxic as your childhood? Would you leave if it was? If your child was in the room with you when he was kicking down the door, would you leave then?

Would you be happy for them to grow up to have cPTSD? Because of these nebulous ‘values’ your family has?