AIBU to think DH overreacted to a bedtime joke?

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DH was out this evening at a meeting. I let the children stay up late - 15 mins past their bedtime watching a film. Let’s face it, we’re so close to the end of term, they are early secondary school and are very good kids tbh so it didn’t feel like a biggie (to me).

When DH arrived home, I thought it would be funny for them to comically scamper upstairs (in full view), then come down again pretending he had woken them up (with OTT yawning). It was very clearly lighthearted. It was entirely my idea.

DH did not find it funny AT ALL and berated the children. I held my hands up (literally, immediately) and said I was sorry, it was all my idea: I had encouraged them and thought it would make him laugh …but he was still exceptionally pissed off and continued to tell them off. Both children went to bed pretty upset.

Wtaf? Hand on heart, I kept saying it was my fault and he mustn’t blame the kids. He is enraged with all of us. I am so confused.

YANBU.

I feel bad that he made the kids upset just from a joke. Poor kids :( Does he do this sort of thing often?

I wonder if this was one of those times when someone is tired, hot and sweaty and just wants to chill out but instead is expected to go through this rigmarole, or even it could be something which happens frequently and he’s had enough?

I do goofy things with my daughter that if I had to explain on the internet, people would not get. But in the moment we both laugh and it is fun (to us), so I don't think it is relevant how funny the situation actually was to us externally.

If DH is in a bad mood, he could have forced some civility for the kids whilst saying, okay that's enough, it is really time for bed - Goodnight.

I don't think berating the kids after the other parent said that she had permitted/encouraged it is on at all.

Sometimes as parents you have to put your own feelings second. I don't mean laugh when you don't want to, but be civil FGS.

Yes, your 5-year-old daughter! As they say - 'it's only cute when you're little'!

OP is talking about children at secondary school!

Except the prank hinged on him thinking the children were already in bed so presumably the only atmosphere he thought he would be contributing to would be one with him and his wife present.

I just can’t imagine secondary school age children ‘scampering’.

Something so bizarre, and so OTT makes me think this is probably the tip of the iceberg and you havne't noticed.

I'm quite interestedin the way you speak about letting secondary school children, in their final weeks of the school year, stay up just 15 minutes later than normal. You were clearly trying to justify and explain it, even just to us, random strangers on MN. At this point, most families I know, between end of year exhaustion and the heat, particularly for older children, have pretty much abandoned any excessive worries about bed time. And 15 minutes is barely a blip. What makes you feel a bit defensive about that? Is he a bit of a twat about bedtime?

I don't get it though.

The plan was for them to go upstairs, in front of him, and then come down yawning pretending he'd woken them?

It doesn't make sense to me, why would you think he would even jokingly understand the idea that he'd woken them, if he saw them go upstairs?

If they were upstairs when he came in then came down yawning to pretend he'd woken them, then that makes sense, even though I don't get it as a joke. But it's driving me mad not understanding what the joke was meant to be lol.

DH was out of line for going off at them, 100%. But I don't know what his day was like honestly or what he might be going through. I can imagine some otherwise great parents getting in a bit of a strop if they've exhausted, been working late, come home expecting to just flop and the kids are up past their bedtime. Not ideal but doesn't make him the world's worst person either unless there's context we're missing.

Honestly it seems like treating your children like infants. They are in their teens. I would expect pranks like you describe by five year olds. The bedtime is also bizzare. Given homework and activities do they get anytime to just chill.

Personally, if I came home to that 'joke' I would be annoyed but certainly would not take it out on the teens.

There is no way I would have allowed him to upset the children after I had encouraged them to play the trick.
I'm absolutely certain there is a lot more to this story.

My son is mid teens and one of the cool guys in his class. He'd definitely still mess about like this! He still has a love of life, is close to us, and enjoys just being silly and messing about with us sometimes. Why not? Sounds like the OP has a lovely fun bond with her kids still.

The being over regimented with bedtime etc, I suspect thats because the H is controlling. But I coukd be wrong.

Different families find different things amusing, thats not the point. The point is the H was being an ahole, taking his bad day out on his kids. Thats really, really shitty of him.

OP is talking about children at secondary school!

So what? Are they not allowed to be silly or have fun once they get to a certain age? This sort of thing is perfectly normal for OP, they mess around like this frequently, it was pretty obvious from her OP but she has been back on to clarify and give other examples.

I hope we never have an age limit on it too.

Do you not have a mess about with your teens? Mines 15 and we’re having a joke about most of the time. Granted, I don’t particularly think OPs particular prank was funny but we don’t all have the same SoH.

It doesn't make sense to me, why would you think he would even jokingly understand the idea that he'd woken them, if he saw them go upstairs?

Good grief the amount of people who don't get it are staggering. Talk about 'woosh'.

It's like those magicians who hide behind a gold curtain (the expectation being they will 'disappear'), but when the curtain drops you can see them hiding behind a lamp-post, or you can see them running off into the distance. and everyone there acts fake-amazed that they have "disappeared", it is meant to be ironic, that's the point, and to most people it is silly fun.

If you don't "get it" that's fine, but OP and her family DO get it, including her husband who normally joins in.

OP questioned whether her DP was justified in getting angry.

It is worth considering the possibility that seeing secondary school-aged children 'comically scamper' around after their designated bedtime in an utterly unfunny 'prank' might well have been the trigger for his reaction.

And it wasn't ironic.

I don't think the joke was funny and if he's been out late working I can imagine its not really the best time for a joke anyway

He shouldn't have shouted at the kids though

I would love to hear his side.

No, she asked if he 'overreacted'. and yes, IMO he did, telling the kids off and being in a mood is one thing, the sillyness landed badly, fair enough. But then going back to tell them off some more to make them cry, after OP held up her hands to it being her idea, was just prick behaviour.

And 'designated bedtime', are we in the victorian era? Shocking behaviour of the little woman to allow his children to stay up 15 minutes after they normally go to bed, what on earth was she even thinking using her own parenting judgement when of course she should know better.

BTW, it's okay that you don't understand irony, you are not alone on this thread.

It’s not a strawman though - so many people have said that the OP has to be sensitive to the fact that her DH has worked a long hard day and might be hot and cranky, shouldn’t have allowed or encouraged her DC to play a prank on DH when he was coming home from his Very Hard and Long Day, one pp even had the audacity to say that the OP was likely a SAHM who “didn’t understand” how exhausted a full day at work could leave her DH as she likely hadn’t experienced working all day for a long time. Giving the very strong impression that OP as the wife, should make sure that the kids don’t inconvenience daddy when he comes home because he’s been working hard and needs time to wind down and shouldn’t be expected to be putting up with such tomfoolery.

For all we know, OP could have worked a 9hr day, come home, supervised homework, did laundry, made dinner, spent time with the kids, all the while DH was out at meeting to organise his next fishing trip. So not all that far from expressing the opinion that OP should make sure her DH should come home to a quiet, relaxing environment, free from frolicking kids, à la 1950s trad wife shit!

Your lack of understanding, on multiple counts, is ironic. But that's ok - you do you.

He needs to apologise to the kids today and explain what was wrong with him. They did not deserve berating for a little joke concocted by their mum.

The "joke" isn't going over our heads, it's just not that funny. Perhaps if the children involved were quite small, but I'm struggling to imagine secondary age children "comically scampering" up the stairs then pretending to be awoken by dad.

It's not a lack of understanding, it's a difference of opinion, you seem to think that them "scampering around after their bedtime" is enough of a "trigger" to justify him continually berating them till they cry.

If that is you, then I will absolutely do me.

It is a strawman for the very reason I gave. A logical explanation (as many of us have said) for why this "joke" didn't land as OP expected is because the intended audience had just got back after a long day. The fact he's a man is irrelevant, as I would offer the same explanation if the genders were reversed, but people are obviously going to refer to OP's "husband" because we're not responding to a hypothetical scenario where the genders are undefined, we're responding to this specific thread.

I agree the very loaded question about whether OP was a SAHM was rude, but you're using a different comment from one poster as a basis to imply that everyone who has suggested that OP's joke was ill timed has a bad case of internalised misogyny. We don't.

My partner and I both work full time and both work late on occasion. Neither of us would think it funny to do this. ETA: Equally though, we wouldn't react in the way OP's husband would. His behaviour wasn't appropriate and he owes an apology.

There's no point speaking as a collective, the joke IS going over some people's heads! the one I replied to in fact which is part of my post you quoted, along with others, to say they "don't understand" or "it makes no sense".

Then there are posters like you who get it but don't see the humour of it, that's absolutely fair enough, everyone's different, but OP has clarified that as a family they DO find that sort of thing funny and DH usually partakes, so that is all that matters for context here.. it doesn't matter if YOU don't find it funny, or if people don't understand it.. her DH usually does.

Even if he didn't find it funny on this occasion, there was absolutely no need to berate his children until they became upset.