AIBU to think DH overreacted to a bedtime joke?

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DH was out this evening at a meeting. I let the children stay up late - 15 mins past their bedtime watching a film. Let’s face it, we’re so close to the end of term, they are early secondary school and are very good kids tbh so it didn’t feel like a biggie (to me).

When DH arrived home, I thought it would be funny for them to comically scamper upstairs (in full view), then come down again pretending he had woken them up (with OTT yawning). It was very clearly lighthearted. It was entirely my idea.

DH did not find it funny AT ALL and berated the children. I held my hands up (literally, immediately) and said I was sorry, it was all my idea: I had encouraged them and thought it would make him laugh …but he was still exceptionally pissed off and continued to tell them off. Both children went to bed pretty upset.

Wtaf? Hand on heart, I kept saying it was my fault and he mustn’t blame the kids. He is enraged with all of us. I am so confused.

Exactly

This

How is that your take?

Maybe he saw it as some sort of “dig” at him for coming home late?

I think this is most people's take on the situation. No one ever had a good day when it ended with a late night meeting. It's not hard to understand that an evening meeting would put someone in a bad mood?

Not the point but I disagree with those saying 9pm is a very early bedtime. 12 year olds need 9-10 hours sleep. If they have to be up at 6 or 7 (not unusual for a school morning) then 9pm is ideal?

I also think any joke that blames someone for something never ends well as often the 'joke' ends up into an argument and reveals true feelings (being annoyed he is late home from work, viewed as not prioritising his family/job more important). To me the joke comes across as a dig at him which is why he didn't find it funny.

It will be a mistake. No one in their right mind would think you ABU. Does he shout at and berate the kids often? That doesn’t sound great.

what a dickhead you married.

Still no excuse for berating the kids like that.

Yes I was wondering this. If the household has a very strict 9pm bedroom he probably thought coming in 15-30 mins later means he doesnt have to deal with the children at all. Wonder how many other meetings he has that get him home after 9pm?

In any case he sounds like an absolute arsehole and he'd have got a piece of my mind for upsetting the children like that over a bit of fun. He's ensured the kids have gone to bed stressed and upset when all that had happened was they watched a film with their mum 15 mins longer than they were normally up.

In general I think a household that has such a strict and early bedtime for teenagers is unlikely to have much fun and spontaneity in it anyway and hes ensured it probably won't happen again. The whole situation just seems weird to me.

It was a sweet little jape which in most situations could well be enjoyed by everyone but his energy just didn’t match theirs. He did overreact, especially by being angry at the children when their mum stated it was her idea. He shouldn’t have done that, even if he was grumpy with mum for setting it up.

I hope you can talk about it calmly with him today and that he admits he was in a grumpy mood and reacted badly. And you can admit you didn’t think it through but did it on the spur of the moment because you were all in playful moods. Don’t stop being a playful mum - it’s a joyful thing to share with the children.

So I'm basing this on being your husband attended a meeting straight from work (no context around the meeting in your post), of it was work related, and took a few hours, that's a pretty draining amount of time to be in a meeting after doing a day at work. I would be exhausted getting home at 9pm after work and a meeting, so I wouldn't probably see the funny side either

Surely those saying he arrived late to avoid bedtime are missing the point that they are secondary school aged! It's not like a toddler bedtime if bathing them, dressing them and then multiple stories and resettling them!

Also the idea he berated them and was enraged may be an exaggerated description. Yes I would probably shout too if I had come home late, hot and tired to find them doing something that was accusing me of something I didn't do.

But considering these children do go to bed early then maybe they are particularly sensitive?

(My kids of a slightly younger age would usually be asleep by 9 in winter but they really struggle with the lighter evenings and it can be gone 10 before the actually fall asleep).

It’s really not.
sleep deprived teenagers are grumpy & make bad decisions.

The bed time isn’t the issue, the structure is probably a little OTT. Are you usually careful around him not to upset him?

If DH is usually strict about bedtimes, could it have looked like the joke was about him? That he was being mocked?

it’s unfair for children to suffer the consequences of parental differences in how things should be approached.

Edited to add - what I mean is that if you’ve already pushed one boundary by letting them stay up later than usual, then larking about on top of that was probably ill judged.

Well he sounds like a bit of a dick. At a minimum I’d be telling him he owes the kids an apology. They won’t forget his reaction to this .

feeling grumpy and tired after a long day = fine
saying you feel grumpy and tired and not really up for a laugh = fine
shouting at and berating children for an extended period = not ok

As he isn’t the one doing bedtimes he fuck off with his strict opinions about it then! And berating and shouting at them, upsetting them before bed is not ok.

I would have found it funny, op.

my guess is that he’d had a shit day and was hot and tired and couldn’t flip out of cross mode when you explained. I’m assuming he’s a nice man normally given that you tried to do a funny thing. Suggest you explain again this morning and he apologises to the kids.

He clearly had a bad day and needed to come home to quiet house. To find some kind of weird circus going on. Why would your idea be funny ?

he shouldn’t have upset kids but really
are you 12 ?

This is my take.

And the context would be years of differences. Yes he was a dick about it but OP was looking for the argument IMO.

If he is frequently working late and leaving you to carry the can then that is the conversation to have.

And when he comes home the expectation is regardless of how srressful his day was, he is HAPPY to see his family and gives them hugs!! Before going off to shower or whatever.

Typical. A bundle of posters latching on to whether or not the little bit of messing about was funny or not.
Whereas the real issue is how he treated you and your children. Particularly your children. Even when you told him it was your idea he carried on berating them and let them go to bed upset. What a nasty thing to do. If he does this sort of thing regularly surely it's time to review the marriage?

Exactly.

We do that thing a pp described of hiding behind the door and shouting surprise, or going to the local train station with the kids to surprise the parent who's coming home late.

I've never been so tired and grumpy that I couldn't at least muster a weak smile and a "sorry I'm just not in a laughing mood". And I'm considered the grumpy one in our house.

It would have been so obvious from op's manner that it was all her idea, why shout at the kids?

Must be your H voting unreasonable lol.

Your H sounds like an old misery. Is he always like this? How nasty you all had a fun relaxing night and it ended up with upset kids for absolutely no reason whatsoever. And for a 15min extra bed time. I think it sounds awful if hes like this a lot.