Page 24 | AIBU to still feel unsafe and want to tell someone?

Puffinsandcoffee · 2026-07-06T20:46:37+00:00

My husband has done some things to me /around me in recent years that weren't great. Nothing really terrible - not hitting or SA - but stuff that has made me definitely a bit scared of him. It's been well over a year since he's done anything like that. I just have two questions I thought maybe someone on here would have experience of this stuff and could answer. One is, when did you find that you felt safe and comfortable around your husband again? Is it normal that I don't? Every time he swears or slams a door or something I get scared, and then scared he'll notice I'm scared, because he would get annoyed by that because he just wants us to move on from the stuff that happened. The world cup is stressing me out because he keeps jolting out of his chair and shouting and swearing at the TV! The other question is, is it really vindictive that I want to tell someone in real life? I obviously won't. He'd be so hurt and really angry, because it's such an injustice to who he is in general. But there was total secrecy in my family about my dad's additions and abuses and I think because of that, having to not tell anyone about the stuff my husband has done is making me feel worse, like as if it's all happening again even though it's not. Just to pre-empt some stuff that might come up - I have posted about this stuff before. I spoke to Women's Aid because of replies. I don't mind my other posts being referred to but please don't "catch me out" with stuff from them. Mumsnet is the only place I can have these "conversations" and I'm not trying to be defensive or in denial or anything like that. - I am getting therapy for cPTSD which I have from other stuff mostly childhood stuff. - I haven't gone into detail about what he did because I don't think it's relevant but I will if it is. - I won't be leaving him. I can't even if I wanted to but I don't want to. I didn't put a poll as it's not really an either/ or but just - is this all normal and will pass, or am I damaging my relationship by not moving on from it?

Jane379 · Yesterday 02:43

Puffinsandcoffee · 07/07/2026 07:11

I don't think there's a single woman in my family who's left her husband. I have a few school mum acquaintances who have divorced, that's all. Otherwise I don't know anyone who's left their husband.

I am a married mother and that gives me more power and status than I've ever had before. My family has a huge amount of respect and affection for my husband, and I'm sure that they see me in a better light as a result of being married to him. I know it's seen as a great thing that I have such a different life than I grew up with. The losses to me for leaving would be huge. A single mother with no money who'd left her husband because his behaviour wasn't perfect, even though it arose from stress she'd put him under - that's who I'd be.

Imagine dragging him into my messy family, at some loss of his own lovely family, and then leaving him because he couldn't handle it sometimes?

Edited

I am a married mother and that gives me more power and status than I've ever had before

being not married doesn't make you inferior. If your community thinks that, that's not right.

'. A single mother with no money who'd left her husband because his behaviour wasn't perfect, even though it arose from stress she'd put him under - that's who I'd be.'

I thought you had a job? Why would you have no money?

The behaviour you describe is far worse than 'not perfect' it is not your fault.

Your husband chose to marry you, it's unfair to take out anger like this on you.

Jane379 · Yesterday 02:45

Puffinsandcoffee · 07/07/2026 08:24

Never. But he's never been under so much stress at work as at home. And honestly, assault wasn't uncommon in his old job - he never assaulted anyone, but undoubtedly kicked a few doors there too. I think it's naive to think this stuff doesn't happen or is the end of the world if it does.

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And honestly, assault wasn't uncommon in his old job - he never assaulted anyone, but undoubtedly kicked a few doors there too.

what job was this where assault wasn't uncommon??

Jane379 · Yesterday 02:49

Op. I know I've posted a lot! Please don't feel pressure to do lots of replies.

One last : I think your community may have this:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Siege_mentality

'siege mentality is a shared feeling of victimization and defensiveness—a term derived from the actual experience of military defences of real sieges. It is a collective state of mind in which a group of people believe themselves constantly attacked, oppressed, or isolated in the face of the negative intentions of the rest of the world. .

Among the consequences of a siege mentality are black and white thinking, social conformity, and lack of trust, but also a preparedness for the worst and a strong sense of social cohesion.[3]'

This can be useful in danger but also dangerous in its own way.

Siege mentality - Wikipedia

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Siege_mentality

EmailsaysOOO · Yesterday 05:38

You have one life. One. You are going to regret it if you can't or don't get away from him.. Take care of yourself and your children.

Original poster

Puffinsandcoffee · Yesterday 06:49

@Jane379 thank you for asking all of these thoughtful questions. I'll try to answer them as I think it would make me more conscious of some assumptions I'm making that maybe aren't true.

A woman hitting a man is bad but generally men are much stronger and can inflict much worse physical damage.
Yes, I totally agree. By the comment I made that this was responding to, I just meant that they'd rather he hit me than leave me, I think.

I may be doing them a big injustice though.

OP posts:

Original poster

Puffinsandcoffee · Yesterday 06:51

Frenchtoastie · 07/07/2026 23:09

OP if one of your daughters was in your exact position what advice would you give her?

I'd tell her that I'd support whatever she wanted to do, and I'd tell her that the stuff her husband did was horrible. I'd ask her if she felt she was in danger, and if so would she consider leaving to stay with me. I don't know if I'd like insist she leaves?

OP posts:

IStillHearTheWaves · Yesterday 06:59

Puffinsandcoffee · 06/07/2026 21:54

Thank you for replying. Divorce really isn't an option at all. I couldn't leave him even if I wanted to and I don't want to.

I'm not unhappy, I'm just afraid, if that makes sense? He makes me laugh and he just yesterday said such nice things to me. He's a really good person and he did recognise that the stuff he did was definitely not ok. I know a lot of men who do bad things like this are just not nice men but he's not like that.

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No-one can help you if you are unwilling to help yourself.

You want a magic timeline to feel better in your marriage, not the truth. Well, there isn't one.

You don't feel 'unhappy'? How can you feel happy or even content if you feel unsafe? You feel unsafe because it's not safe. Your body is telling you, even if your mind wants to plaster it over.

This man is not safe and he'll revert back to type soon enough.

Original poster

Puffinsandcoffee · Yesterday 07:00

Jane379 · 07/07/2026 23:39

I will say, more widely, I think there are dangers to giving police harassment and prejudice as an excuse for DV and family violence.

Jews in Tsarist Russia and Poland and African Americans in Jim Crow South are only two of many groups who have suffered violent & state sanctioned abuse. I do not think that in recent decades Travellers in England faced this kind of violence, and even if they had, many Jews and African Americans did not respond by turning their violence on their families.

OP, would you say your family follow an 'honour culture'? With the good and the bad elements of that?

More info on what honour culture is :

Skip to main
Culture of Honor
Edited by:Roy F. Baumeister & Kathleen D. Vohs
In:Encyclopedia of Social Psychology
Chapter DOI:doi.org/10.4135/9781412956253.n128

A culture of honor is a culture in which a person (usually a man) feels obliged to protect his or her reputation by answering insults, affronts, and threats, oftentimes through the use of violence. Cultures of honor have been independently invented many times across the world. Three well-known examples of cultures of honor include cultures of honor in parts of the Middle East, the southern United States, and innercity neighborhoods (of the United States and elsewhere) that are controlled by gangs.

Cultures of honor can vary in many ways. Some stress female chastity to an extreme degree, whereas others do not. Some have strong norms for hospitality and politeness toward strangers, whereas others actively encourage aggression against outsiders. What all cultures of honor share, however, is the central importance placed on insult and threat and the necessity of responding to them with violence or the threat of violence.

Insults and threats take on great meaning in cultures of honor, because of the environments in which cultures of honor develop. Such cultures develop in environments where there is no central authority (such as the state) that can offer effective protection to its citizens. In such a situation, a person has to let it be known that he will protect himself, his family, and his property. Insults and affronts are important because they act as probes, establishing who can do what to whom. A person who responds with violence over “small” matters (e.g., an insult or an argument over a small amount of money) can effectively establish himself as one who is not to be messed with on larger matters. Thus, an effective response to an insult can deter future attacks, when the stakes may be much higher.

Many violent incidents in cultures of honor center on what might be considered a trivial incident to outsiders. Such matters are not trivial to the people in the argument, however, because people are defending (or establishing) their reputations. What is really at stake is something of far greater importance than a one-dollar debt owed or a record on the jukebox.

In cultures of honor, reputation is highly tied up with masculinity. A telling anecdote from Hodding Carter's book Southern Legacy (1950) concerned a 1930s Louisiana court case, in which Carter served as a juror. The facts of the matter were clear. The defendant lived near a gas station and had been pestered for some time by workers there. One day, the man had had enough and opened fire on the workers, killing one person and wounding two others. As Carter tells it, the case seemed open and shut, and so Carter began discussions in the jury room by offering up the obvious (to him) verdict of guilty. The other 11 jurors had very different ideas about the obvious verdict, however, and they strongly and unanimously favored acquittal. Fellow jurors explained to Carter that the man couldn't be guilty—what kind of man wouldn't have shot the others? An elder juror later told Carter that a man can't be jailed for standing up for his rights. In cultures of honor everywhere, traditional masculinity is a virtue that has to be defended.

I don't know. I think "honour" is really important (not sure we'd use that word), but I don't think it would be necessarily just about reacting to insults. This bit: "A person who responds with violence over “small” matters (e.g., an insult or an argument over a small amount of money) can effectively establish himself as one who is not to be messed with on larger matters" definitely sounds like some of the men in my family, but I don't know if that's a wider culture thing or just hereditary reactiveness!

That said, I do know that killing someone for transgressions of what we consider "honour" are seen as different from like random murder or something. There are definitely times, if we were the jury, we would acquit someone who'd killed someone else, on the basis of the idea that the killing was an act of justice.

I don't think this would ever be the case for a man who'd killed his wife though. Because there's no community benefit to that killing, and a huge community cost. It's just wrong. I don't think that would ever be seen as an act of justice, no matter what she'd done.

OP posts:

Original poster

Puffinsandcoffee · Yesterday 07:03

OneFineDay22 · 07/07/2026 23:39

I’m sorry to have to say, your family don’t sound at all supportive. Why would they blame you? Is that why you’ve been blaming yourself? Because that’s what everyone always does?

You said if your daughter came to you with this problem (as an adult) you would tell her that you’d support her in anything she wanted to do. Why don’t your family do this? If they truly are so unsupportive, I’m struggling to see why you would be so wounded to lose them.

I wouldn't say my mother and sister are particularly supportive in any way, no. But my wider family absolutely are. And losing my family (or their good opinion) would be such a huge loss to me. Also, possibly more relevant, I've moved quite far away from them all (because of the issues I've referred to here) so there's not much practical support they could offer. Not that I need practical support.

OP posts:

Original poster

Puffinsandcoffee · Yesterday 07:07

Jane379 · Yesterday 01:29

What might happen is maybe nothing - much the same as for women who are raped and go to the police - or maybe community justice, which could take many forms. That would mostly be an internal thing, but not necessarily.

Thank you. Can I ask a little more? I understand if not.

so if someone from outside the community sexually assaulted or murdered someone from in the community, they might receive community justice from your community? Or usually not?

Can I ask how community justice tends to be carried out?

' I could imagine that if I said, over and over, that I was scared and so were our kids - ok - yeah, I could imagine they'd say, ok, you did what you felt you needed to do.'- that is more reassuring to hear. However, this requires the abuse to reach a pretty high pitch, and abuse can become dangerous flare up quickly without necessarily a long buildup.

'If I reported him to the police for kicking a door - I mean, it's just absolutely unthinkable. I'd lose their good opinion for ever.'

You don't need to involve the police..I personally think you should focus on your own safety first and not think about involving the police if that will cause a lot of worry. However, if you leave, you should ensure you are safe, and the police are one agency who should be able to help protect you. I understand you have reason to distrust them though. 💐

I understand your family's opinion is hugely important but your physical & emotional safety must be THE top priority. What you have said about your family does not convince me that they are good judges of this.

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Having a good relationship with my family is really important to my sense of emotional safety.

Can I ask how community justice tends to be carried out?
Various ways which I'd rather not get into. But I think that's becoming a thing of the past too. You asked elsewhere about police attitudes changing since the 90s, and yes, they have, and there are more official community sanctioned routes, other than policing, to deal with these things now.

OP posts:

Original poster

Puffinsandcoffee · Yesterday 07:12

Jane379 · Yesterday 01:38

the chaos and volatility is from my side.-

Are you sure? What are your husband's family like? Was his upbringing stable?

Abusers can come from stable households, too.

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Yes I'm sure on this. Stable upbringing, parents together, very mild-mannered father and SAHM mum and they seem to have a lovely partnership. They both love him, and they're both lovely people. They would agree he's always been a bit hot headed/ impulsive, and domineering (not in a bad way, just, very sure about what he thinks, very sure what should be done in a situation, stuff like that).

OP posts:

Original poster

Puffinsandcoffee · Yesterday 07:19

Jane379 · Yesterday 02:39

'A woman in my family who was attacked by her BF (strangulation), I did think maybe should have told the police just to get it recorded what he did,'

can I ask how the community reacted to this? Did the bf get community justice?

'I think nothing would have happened and police showing up would have just made her more vulnerable in the aftermath of that'- why do you say the police would have made her more vulnerable?

I understand why you fear the police. But being in a position where you can't consider calling them is dangerous too.

I understand you're in your 40s if I calculate right? Isn't it possible police attitudes to your community have changed at least somewhat since the 1990s?

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No, nothing happened to him. She told us (only women) and asked us not to tell anyone. I told her about Women's Aid and said she shouldn't be in a relationship with him and we all said it was awful and not her fault, even if she'd been hitting him (which she had). I said we wouldn't have judged her for telling the police, but another one of her friends had already talked her out of it and she never did. Also just not to drip feed or whatever it is - I did post another thread about this and it's the BF who is my cousin, not her. Just want to be totally honest.

I think the police would have made her more vulnerable because they wouldn't have done anything, and there would have been consequences - including his anger - for having phoned them.

I'm late 30s. I think the police prob would have taken that seriously and maybe even been able to help her. I also think my cousin is really dangerous. I have a lot of anxiety about it. But it does put my situation in perspective

OP posts:

Original poster

Puffinsandcoffee · Yesterday 07:24

Yes, in some contexts violence can be. But violence and intimidation of wives and female partners isn't heroic...

I know, and absolutely no one in my family or community would think that it was. It's not normal in my culture to be violent to women, and no-one thinks its ok, except maybe some older ones if the wife is "difficult" and even then, not really tbh. It's seen as like weak or something.

Someone else said something about hitting being a sign of an inefficient abuser, which was really interesting - that clicked for me. I'd say - this is unspoken - but there's a basic expectation that the man is in control and in charge, and if he's hitting his wife, he's already lost control of her (and himself). That's what I mean by male-dominated: men should be kind and considerate, but from a position of power. And this is basically how my relationship is. I'm absolutely not a "submissive wife" or any of those other internet trends, but he takes the lead on our big decisions and earns by far the most money. I'd say I'm "in charge" of our kids though, like he would defer to me in the end if we disagreed on something to do with them I think.

OP posts:

Elsvieta · Yesterday 07:27

Puffinsandcoffee · 07/07/2026 21:40

Thank you for your post. I don't think my husband would have been drawn to me out of ideas about what women from my community are like. Maybe, but I think he prob was coming from a position of ignorance rather than opportunism: like, he knew pretty much nothing about us, just, for better or worse, fancied me and now here we are.

Definitely "airing dirty laundry" is a huge objection I'd have to saying anything to anyone. Not entirely sure what I should feel about that, but I do feel like it's absolutely not ok to discuss problems in my marriage with anyone except him. He actually doesn't agree, in general - he says he wouldn't mind me telling friends if we had a fight or whatever. Obv doesn't want people knowing about punching the walls and stuff, but not an objection to the principle, just to specific details.

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"Don't air your dirty laundry" is mostly a phrase used to browbeat women and children into keeping quiet about male abuse.

Think it through. Whose dirty laundry? Yours? A person who is abusive and violent has done something "dirty"; the victim has not. The very phrase is designed to make victims feel like they are the ones who should be ashamed. Bullshit.

Original poster

Puffinsandcoffee · Yesterday 07:29

Essentially, is the main reason you're staying due to your family's attitudes? Is that the 'unusual position' you mean?
Not exactly. That's part of it. They just absolutely wouldn't see what he's done as a transgression, never mind a divorce worthy one. And I agree? But also because he's lost a lot by being with me. Family and friends. I owe him loyalty and grace.

why has he been under this stress? Do you mean due to problems with your family?

Yes, but also just within our lives, for reasons outside our control. 3 young kids, 2 working parents, a wife with cPTSD which we didn't know about until recent years, and there's been a lot of illness and death in both his and my family too. It's just a lot.

Why does your husband have so much contact with your family if they upset him so much? Can't you visit them on your own?
They don't. He loves them, loves visiting them, has a really good relationship with my brother especially. But there's been a fair bit of scary moments and blood and gore at times and I think that stuff just accumulates over time as a higher stress level?

OP posts:

Original poster

Puffinsandcoffee · Yesterday 07:31

Jane379 · Yesterday 02:32

Violence against who? The police? People who have hurt your community?

It definitely seems institutions have badly let your community down.

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Oh, you wouldn't believe some of the things I could tell you about that. Yes, violence against the police is sometimes morally right, as is violence against others who've hurt my community. I personally don't think that's the case anymore, but it most certainly was historically.

OP posts:

Original poster

Puffinsandcoffee · Yesterday 07:37

Jane379 · Yesterday 02:43

I am a married mother and that gives me more power and status than I've ever had before

being not married doesn't make you inferior. If your community thinks that, that's not right.

'. A single mother with no money who'd left her husband because his behaviour wasn't perfect, even though it arose from stress she'd put him under - that's who I'd be.'

I thought you had a job? Why would you have no money?

The behaviour you describe is far worse than 'not perfect' it is not your fault.

Your husband chose to marry you, it's unfair to take out anger like this on you.

Show quote history

being not married doesn't make you inferior. If your community thinks that, that's not right.

Don't lots of people think that, on some level? And anyway, in my case, that was sort of what was seen as my destiny. It's been said to me before and since, that wife and mother is what I was meant for. And I can sense the respect I get - I have authority now. People in my family think I'm doing really well in these roles (even if people here don't!).

I thought you had a job? Why would you have no money?

I have a job, but it doesn't pay loads and it's part time. I don't think it would pay enough for rent and bills never mind anything else. Pretty much all our money is earned by him and gifts from his parents.

He's not angry that he married me. He's stressed because of the type of life he has, partly as a result, but he always says he loves me and we were meant to be together and he's really happy and wouldn't change anything.

OP posts:

Original poster

Puffinsandcoffee · Yesterday 07:42

Jane379 · Yesterday 02:49

Op. I know I've posted a lot! Please don't feel pressure to do lots of replies.

One last : I think your community may have this:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Siege_mentality

'siege mentality is a shared feeling of victimization and defensiveness—a term derived from the actual experience of military defences of real sieges. It is a collective state of mind in which a group of people believe themselves constantly attacked, oppressed, or isolated in the face of the negative intentions of the rest of the world. .

Among the consequences of a siege mentality are black and white thinking, social conformity, and lack of trust, but also a preparedness for the worst and a strong sense of social cohesion.[3]'

This can be useful in danger but also dangerous in its own way.

I'm not sure about that. Maybe. It does sound sort of like the way we would see things, but that wasn't delusional - not we "believed ourselves constantly attacked" etc, we actually, definitely were.

But that's not so much the case anymore, I think. No guarantee things won't go backwards of course.

But I don't think this is relevant. I'm not leaving my husband, but not out of a sense I'd be attacked or the rest of the world has negative intentions. Just, I think it's massively disproportionate to what he's done and would not be in our kids' best interests. I feel quite sure my family would disapprove and that makes me feel quite sure it would be the wrong thing to do.

OP posts:

Original poster

Puffinsandcoffee · Yesterday 07:43

Elsvieta · Yesterday 07:27

"Don't air your dirty laundry" is mostly a phrase used to browbeat women and children into keeping quiet about male abuse.

Think it through. Whose dirty laundry? Yours? A person who is abusive and violent has done something "dirty"; the victim has not. The very phrase is designed to make victims feel like they are the ones who should be ashamed. Bullshit.

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Yeah. I think you're not wrong here tbh. The dirty laundry thing wouldn't stop me talking to someone I was really close to, but all of those people are also really close to him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Puffinsandcoffee · Yesterday 07:45

IStillHearTheWaves · Yesterday 06:59

No-one can help you if you are unwilling to help yourself.

You want a magic timeline to feel better in your marriage, not the truth. Well, there isn't one.

You don't feel 'unhappy'? How can you feel happy or even content if you feel unsafe? You feel unsafe because it's not safe. Your body is telling you, even if your mind wants to plaster it over.

This man is not safe and he'll revert back to type soon enough.

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I've felt unsafe my whole life (not always because of actual danger), but I can still be happy. Maybe not as happy as if I didn't feel that way, but I don't imagine leaving him would suddenly - or ever, in itself - fix the feeling of being unsafe.

OP posts:

sheenaisapunkrocker · Yesterday 07:50

Jane379 · 07/07/2026 23:39

I will say, more widely, I think there are dangers to giving police harassment and prejudice as an excuse for DV and family violence.

Jews in Tsarist Russia and Poland and African Americans in Jim Crow South are only two of many groups who have suffered violent & state sanctioned abuse. I do not think that in recent decades Travellers in England faced this kind of violence, and even if they had, many Jews and African Americans did not respond by turning their violence on their families.

OP, would you say your family follow an 'honour culture'? With the good and the bad elements of that?

More info on what honour culture is :

Skip to main
Culture of Honor
Edited by:Roy F. Baumeister & Kathleen D. Vohs
In:Encyclopedia of Social Psychology
Chapter DOI:doi.org/10.4135/9781412956253.n128

A culture of honor is a culture in which a person (usually a man) feels obliged to protect his or her reputation by answering insults, affronts, and threats, oftentimes through the use of violence. Cultures of honor have been independently invented many times across the world. Three well-known examples of cultures of honor include cultures of honor in parts of the Middle East, the southern United States, and innercity neighborhoods (of the United States and elsewhere) that are controlled by gangs.

Cultures of honor can vary in many ways. Some stress female chastity to an extreme degree, whereas others do not. Some have strong norms for hospitality and politeness toward strangers, whereas others actively encourage aggression against outsiders. What all cultures of honor share, however, is the central importance placed on insult and threat and the necessity of responding to them with violence or the threat of violence.

Insults and threats take on great meaning in cultures of honor, because of the environments in which cultures of honor develop. Such cultures develop in environments where there is no central authority (such as the state) that can offer effective protection to its citizens. In such a situation, a person has to let it be known that he will protect himself, his family, and his property. Insults and affronts are important because they act as probes, establishing who can do what to whom. A person who responds with violence over “small” matters (e.g., an insult or an argument over a small amount of money) can effectively establish himself as one who is not to be messed with on larger matters. Thus, an effective response to an insult can deter future attacks, when the stakes may be much higher.

Many violent incidents in cultures of honor center on what might be considered a trivial incident to outsiders. Such matters are not trivial to the people in the argument, however, because people are defending (or establishing) their reputations. What is really at stake is something of far greater importance than a one-dollar debt owed or a record on the jukebox.

In cultures of honor, reputation is highly tied up with masculinity. A telling anecdote from Hodding Carter's book Southern Legacy (1950) concerned a 1930s Louisiana court case, in which Carter served as a juror. The facts of the matter were clear. The defendant lived near a gas station and had been pestered for some time by workers there. One day, the man had had enough and opened fire on the workers, killing one person and wounding two others. As Carter tells it, the case seemed open and shut, and so Carter began discussions in the jury room by offering up the obvious (to him) verdict of guilty. The other 11 jurors had very different ideas about the obvious verdict, however, and they strongly and unanimously favored acquittal. Fellow jurors explained to Carter that the man couldn't be guilty—what kind of man wouldn't have shot the others? An elder juror later told Carter that a man can't be jailed for standing up for his rights. In cultures of honor everywhere, traditional masculinity is a virtue that has to be defended.

Unless you are part of the OP's culture, you can't know how that culture experiences authority, including treatment by the police. We want the police to be good people, and some are, but there are issues with organisational misogyny, racism and other discrimination. Only a couple of years ago Cressida Dick herself said that if a woman is afraid of a police officer she should run away. It's not how we want it to be, but here we are.

EllieQ · Yesterday 07:55

Puffinsandcoffee · Yesterday 07:37

being not married doesn't make you inferior. If your community thinks that, that's not right.

Don't lots of people think that, on some level? And anyway, in my case, that was sort of what was seen as my destiny. It's been said to me before and since, that wife and mother is what I was meant for. And I can sense the respect I get - I have authority now. People in my family think I'm doing really well in these roles (even if people here don't!).

I thought you had a job? Why would you have no money?

I have a job, but it doesn't pay loads and it's part time. I don't think it would pay enough for rent and bills never mind anything else. Pretty much all our money is earned by him and gifts from his parents.

He's not angry that he married me. He's stressed because of the type of life he has, partly as a result, but he always says he loves me and we were meant to be together and he's really happy and wouldn't change anything.

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Can you expand on what you mean by your DH being stressed by ‘the type of life we have, partly as a result’?

You have mentioned your mental health issues as a result of your childhood, which is obviously a stressful situation, but is there anything else? You’ve said you don’t live near your family so I would assume they are not constantly visiting and causing problems on a day to day basis. Or is it the clash of cultural issues, or something similar?

RoseOliviaAu · Yesterday 08:03

Did he break the door in because you may have been self harming within the room? I think that makes a huge difference as to whether he was being abusive…

RoseOliviaAu · Yesterday 08:04

I’m assuming you’re a Traveller and that why you won’t divorce which makes sense. But you say he’s white british… so he doesn’t really have the cultural ‘excuse’ (not the best word but w/e) to behave this way.

OneFineDay22 · Yesterday 08:41

Puffinsandcoffee · Yesterday 07:03

I wouldn't say my mother and sister are particularly supportive in any way, no. But my wider family absolutely are. And losing my family (or their good opinion) would be such a huge loss to me. Also, possibly more relevant, I've moved quite far away from them all (because of the issues I've referred to here) so there's not much practical support they could offer. Not that I need practical support.

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You’ve said a few times things along the lines of maybe you’re wrong, maybe you’re doing them a disservice by thinking they’d react that way. Is there a reason you don’t feel able to communicate with them honestly?

Of course I do understand that people with abusive families don’t necessarily want to cut everybody off. Believe me. But if you’re not able to really be yourself - express your true feelings, talk about what really happened, you don’t really have a relationship with anyone. You just have people you all keep at arms length, a husband you’re afraid of, people whose opinions you trust but whose opinions are based on a sanitised version of a story.

Either way, I don’t see a way forward for you without your husband changing. You said he doesn’t want anything to change, but he wants you to change yourself in line with his preferences. He wants you to do it without needing to be told. So you control yourself on his behalf. If this doesn’t change you will always be afraid.