AIBU to still feel unsafe and want to tell someone?

[Puffinsandcoffee]

My husband has done some things to me /around me in recent years that weren't great. Nothing really terrible - not hitting or SA - but stuff that has made me definitely a bit scared of him.

It's been well over a year since he's done anything like that.

I just have two questions I thought maybe someone on here would have experience of this stuff and could answer.

One is, when did you find that you felt safe and comfortable around your husband again? Is it normal that I don't? Every time he swears or slams a door or something I get scared, and then scared he'll notice I'm scared, because he would get annoyed by that because he just wants us to move on from the stuff that happened. The world cup is stressing me out because he keeps jolting out of his chair and shouting and swearing at the TV!

The other question is, is it really vindictive that I want to tell someone in real life? I obviously won't. He'd be so hurt and really angry, because it's such an injustice to who he is in general. But there was total secrecy in my family about my dad's additions and abuses and I think because of that, having to not tell anyone about the stuff my husband has done is making me feel worse, like as if it's all happening again even though it's not.

Just to pre-empt some stuff that might come up

• I have posted about this stuff before. I spoke to Women's Aid because of replies. I don't mind my other posts being referred to but please don't "catch me out" with stuff from them. Mumsnet is the only place I can have these "conversations" and I'm not trying to be defensive or in denial or anything like that.
• I am getting therapy for cPTSD which I have from other stuff mostly childhood stuff.
• I haven't gone into detail about what he did because I don't think it's relevant but I will if it is.
• I won't be leaving him. I can't even if I wanted to but I don't want to.

I didn't put a poll as it's not really an either/ or but just - is this all normal and will pass, or am I damaging my relationship by not moving on from it?

I've come across communities like this in Wales.

I have a friend from Ireland, one from the North East iof England we've talked about their communities. Either farming or mining background.

One thing they have in common is a distrust of the police. But I know old coppers who don't trust todays police.

I don't think I ever used the term "white guy". I am white. He is not religious. I'm not that religious either, but it's a "normal" religion, not like a really unusual or strict one, and his parents were brought up same religion as I was.

I didn't mean to drip feed. I can see, if it was a big reveal that my husband was Tommy Shelby or something, that would be annoying, but I don't think that's what I've done.

But anyway, hopefully what I've said now is enough. There are some risks to me from posting if I'm recognised for example. Being vague about some things at least feels like it's safer.

I already asked her re African religious community and she has since said she is white.

Thats why this is confusing right. Why describe your husband as white British like your not white. Its odd.

Whatever his ethnicity, he’s properly frightened you. Your past as an abused child will make this worse probably.

There’s nothing wrong with you, it’s just healing from all this is is very difficult (impossible?) if he is still shouting at the football, you’re worried he’s going scream at you, and more.

He's just a white British man!

Man/guy. Same thing. Those are words I copied. Its not typical language of another white person.

So much for putting it to rest 😞 I was using "White British" in the way like govt and stuff does. He is that ethnicity, I am a different, also white, ethnicity. IRA, Irish Traveller, Peaky Blinder: one of those, let's say.

It's not if you think about how various forms ask us about our identity - White British, White Irish, Traveller, Roma etc. The OP does not identify as White British., which is it's own distinct ethnicity .
ETA: sorry cross-posted with the OP

I understand what your saying. But bare in mind how much drip feeding its taken to get to this. And the other threads they have created. Its like an attention thing.
Well here's the attention.

Thanks, these are good questions.

What happens hypothetically if someone in your community were attacked, or sexually assaulted by someone from outside the community? If you can't go to the police, how can you get justice?
It depends on who the victim is, who the perpetrator is, among other factors. As, of course, it does for British people who go to the police. What might happen is maybe nothing - much the same as for women who are raped and go to the police - or maybe community justice, which could take many forms. That would mostly be an internal thing, but not necessarily. If I was attacked or sexually assaulted, I would expect nothing to happen, whether I went to the police or not.

Moreover, your husband is not from your community. So the police wouldn't discriminate against him for his ethnicity since as you say, he's white British.
Yes, that's right. My reasons for not going to the police aren't out of concern he'd be discriminated against. If I left him for kicking a door, my family would think it was terrible - stupid, self-obsessed, cruel to him and our kids etc. But I could imagine that if I said, over and over, that I was scared and so were our kids - ok - yeah, I could imagine they'd say, ok, you did what you felt you needed to do. If I reported him to the police for kicking a door - I mean, it's just absolutely unthinkable. I'd lose their good opinion for ever.

I think this thread will be very helpful to the OP actually and certainly shouldn't be deleted. I know we'd all like decisions and reactions and choices to happen quickly and for people to say "ah of course I should have seen it like that all along" and do the thing we think is right. But in real life it is far more complex than that, even when someone is in danger of violence. Even when someone's children are being exposed to violence. It is a shame but we are human not robots programmed to do the right thing. I don't think OP would have posted here if she wasn't deep down uneasy with her life and her husband and wasn't trying to reconcile the parts of it she loves with the parts of it she knows are wrong. We've all been in situations where we had to let something sit for a while in our heads to get to the right response for us. I think OP is doing this. If everyone had responded "oh yes dh was very fiery and I was scared of him but he stopped and now I am fine because ...." she would have got what she thought she wanted. But no one really did and instead of not posting OP is still engaging and, I think, trying to resolve the life she is living with the life she thinks she should be living.

The jesuits said give me the boy till seven years old and I'll give you the man. OP is evidence of that. She won't shake off her deep ties to her upbringing and her community easily nor will she want to. But this thread may help her navigate how she is thinking and get somewhere better eventually.

But you don't need to give me attention. I am grateful for help and advice and even tellings off, but if you really just think it's all for attention you can just ignore me. I don't want to spell out who I am. I really don't. If I did, I can guarantee I'd get lots of hate and far less help. Even the guess that I'm a traveller makes people annoyed with me.

OP - it's your thread and you can be as vague as you like. It does make it a bit harder for posters to advise but there are clearly unusual elements to your identity which mean that if you were too specific you could be identified by someone who knew you and who chanced across this thread. My background is very mainstream and probably no-one would identify me from it but the same does not apply to my partner whose background is much more unusual. So you are right to do what you need to, to protect your identity.

It does sound like you're being open-minded and drawing what you can from people's posts including taking account of the fact that your DH's violence may move on a different trajectory to what you are familiar with. Also, that your response to his violence is natural and understandable and it is not you doing something wrong.

It is sad that your community's morals and principles mean that violence is reasonably accepted (including male on female violence) and divorce is out of the question. Women are so extremely vulnerable in that kind of set up.

However, mainstream society in the UK was not so different from that until just a few generations ago. God knows, there are still problems with male on female violence and male exploitation of women. Marital rape only became a crime under English law in 1991. And coercive control (which is at the heart of domestic abuse) only became a crime in 2015 and to start with could only be invoked if the perpetrator and the victim lived together. And you only have to look at the US to see how women's rights are being hideously rolled back.

In fact (and I recognise this is a bit of a tangent, sorry!) but I think it's appalling that in 2026 in many European countries the age of consent for sex is 14. Given the potentially very serious consequences of sex (unplanned pregnancies, incurable STIs etc), there is no justification for such a low age of consent and it is just a licence for older men to abuse young girls. (It's been 16 in the UK since 1885. A friend of ours was part of the campaign in Spain to get the age raised from 13 to 16 which happened in 2015, so it something I have thought about quite a lot).

You sound very intelligent and thoughtful, OP. I hope you will continue to post here and get what you can from the thread.

I am annoyed. Mainly because I don't understand what advice someone can give from very little information on what was happening. Then you finally started to give more information. The reasoning for me saying about the attention thing was because when people enjoy the attention they don't give the details fully. Look at other posters on here. They give a little back story on the initial post. Then get called out a few posts down then say "oh I didnt mean to drip feed" you by omission said you have numerous threads about the same thing. Why? If not to seek a need to feel fulfilled no?

Exactly.

Irish Travellers, if OP is one, are descended from people who diverged from the settled Irish population around 1650s, and due to intemarriage since then they're recognised as a separate ethnic group. So it makes sense she'd say she's white but not white British if she is from that community.

I think this is unkind. I know there are a lot of trolls on here but OP doesn't seem to be a troll to me. If someone's traumatised, as she seems to be, things will come out confusedly often, especially as she hasn't spoken about it before & it's clearly hard for her.

@Janicchoplin - I understand the wish for specifics; I often feel like that myself. But this is OP's thread; she's allowed to be cautious about outing herself; she's allowed to only give as much information as she feels comfortable to give. Over the years I've been on MN I've seen a few threads where a vulnerable woman, in the middle of receiving helpful and important advice, has had to abandon the thread because she's been identified. So it's not fair to berate OP for exercising her own judgment about what she can and cannot share. She's already shown that she is able to draw helpful insights and information from the thread based on what people have said already.

This! I think some pps are being unnecessarily harsh.

OK. I am sorry. I really didn't mean to do that. A few replies since your post hopefully explains why I did that. I didn't think it was relevant. I really did think I'd given all the relevant information. Obv misjudged that right from the start since it turns out what specifically my husband has done is important and relevant.

I hope it's clear thought that I don't have the best judgement on all of this, and that I do know that. I am trying, even if I am failing!

And I said that. I get it. But she was frustrated with people because they were being asked to respond in a way thats helpful yet with what information? It was vague.

You dont need to share specifics of who you are to be outing. Example.

My husband was hitting me. I feel like Im not safe anymore." Right. What you asking? People say well. If hes hitting you. Why you still there?

She has other threads saying the same thing.

My question which was never answered by the way.

What do you want?

I never said she was a troll. When someone has multiple threads for the same thing. Why?
And im not the only one frustrated with how her new thread started.
No one wants her to out herself. Im not an idiot.
My first response was very kind. I asked her what she wanted. What was it she needed.

I gave lots of information, including about my community.

I have said what I was hoping for, which was hope that I'd feel better in time. And that I was also just looking for somewhere anonymous to basically tell someone what happened to me, to kind of make it real for me and hear some things I'll never hear said to me irl, like - this isn't my fault.

What other threads do I have saying my husband is hitting me? And why would it be relevant to those or this that I'm, say, an Irish traveller specifically, rather than just in a fairly conservative and kinda violent community generally?

What I want now is a bit different from when I started the thread tbh. I'm not completely sure anyone. I've given up on hope that I'll feel ok in time. He's in the room with me and I feel nervous. I want to do what's best for my kids. And I realise it may be the case that I'm not the best judge of that. Can anyone reading please just try to imagine how upsetting and scary it is to basically have loads of people persuading you that that's the case?

Yes and thank you for that.
I.domt want you to out yourself. No one should have to do that. Generalising responses work well here. Keeping it neutral to what happens everyday can be informative without identity being used. it gives a clearer picture.
I apologise for my frustration. I think there has been a lot of out of sync posts that is generally the way with mumsnet. I did just go to your posts to get a rough idea what was going on.

I answered above. Missed posts missed conversations.