To ask how much help you give your adult kids?

[BennettsHome]

And what type of help? My parents have always helped in any way they can- financially, with errands / care for pets, diy etc. I felt so sad for my friend recently who I discussed this with. Her parents do nothing for her, no support in any way even though they can. Is this normal? She said she wishes they were more helpful in her life but they just never have been. Do people stop helping their kids when they're adults?

That’s sad. Why weren’t your in-laws more involved?

I don’t think it’s in directional one way help though. Need and help is generally seasonal, most people are mentioning things like their parents helping with kids and financially, therefore the adult children are still in the early stages of family life and the grandparents are also on the younger side. In 10/20 years the adult children will be helping the parents out who are less independent, need help with groceries, taken out, taken to appointments, sitting with them etc.

The OP wasn’t asking “does your family help each other” it was another thread on expectations of material and practical help from older parents to adult children.

No one said she was asking that, nor does she need to.

There are literally countless threads of people asking for advice, tips or support when caring for ageing parents.

They are just incredibly selfish people. FIL never had any interest in his own kids and MIL is extremely lazy. Her own mother came around and helped her most days with her children.

We asked MIL if she would be able to collect our two DDs from nursery as due to my working hours and distance I would not be able to get them before nursery closed. We asked could she collect them twice a week at 6pm, I would collect them from her house at 6.15pm or she could bring them to our house. Nursery was a 2 minute walk to our house and same distance to her house. This was during recession where we were hanging on my the skin of our teeth financially, mortgage, nursery fees etc. When asked her reply was " your father watches the news at 6pm so that doesn't suit us" !!! That was the end of the conversation.

A few years later when kids were in primary school we reluctantly asked again as we were desperate and it was only short term could she collect them a couple of days a week and keep them for an hour until I got home from work. We said we would pay her, no problem doing that. DH just happened to mention that a lot of grandparents collect their grandchildren from school. She instantly turned around and said " and yes, have you seen them, they all look wrecked". So that was a no to.

The thing is due to her laziness and not having any routine she is up until 4am to 5am on YouTube every night. Her health is declining rapidly and its mostly self inflicted whereas the other grandparents who were active and collected/minded gc are in significantly better health.

When the time comes and if and when I'm asked to help out I will very gleefully reply with " and do your ever see those women who look after their MIL, they are wrecked".

There is something very unpleasant about this thread. OP you sound entitled and I don’t believe you know everything about your friends parents situation. I think telling your friend how much your parents do for you when for whatever reason her parents can’t do the same just sounds nasty.

We’ve helped them both financially with house deposits, bought their first car and supported them through uni.

One is getting married so we’ve given some money towards that. Have assisted with house moves/decorating when dd bought her first house on her own.

How do you read an OP and come to this conclusion?!

Your post is quite unpleasant @chanel925

My parents always helped in the ways they could. My dad is a handyman and has saved me thousands by doing jobs and fixing things for free (or the cost of a dinner) and my dm has always done things like buying clothes/house things she knows I’d like.
They’ve bought big things when we couldn’t afford to (like washing machines, even a car when mine died) and always treated us at birthdays and Christmas.

As I’ve gotten older and am now a parent it’s changed. My dad does less as I don’t see him as much but he would if I needed him.
My mum has less money now but happily provides babysitting services, she does my ironing a lot of the time and cooks us tea weekly.

MIL is too far away to be a practical help but treats us when we see her.
FIL is financially well off and has lots of time. We are invited for tea maybe once per week, LO is spoiled rotten by him and every so often he gifts all his children the same amount of money (usually £1k or less).

I remember a friend once just casually mentioning that as she was getting a divorce but didn’t want to live with her ex while selling the house she was moving back in with parents (and her children) while her parents bought a house for her to have ‘until the divorce was sorted.’

My aim is to be somewhere in the middle for LO. Help but push to stand on his own 2 feet.

DH and I have never had practical help from either side. My parents have been generous financially.

Years ago, I paid off thrir mortgages, via an inheritance I got. I try to support my adult GCs.

I do what I can.

I see children as being a lifelong commitment. My parents saw us being all the man or woman we will ever be by the age of 16 and received bugger all support.
The little that any of us did get was so that they didn’t lose face in front of other people or our grandparents literally forced them to do it which is galling
I see the inequalities between the adults with supportive parents even if they’re just Babysitting once a week versus those that don’t and it really is remarkable