To ask how much help you give your adult kids?

[BennettsHome]

And what type of help? My parents have always helped in any way they can- financially, with errands / care for pets, diy etc. I felt so sad for my friend recently who I discussed this with. Her parents do nothing for her, no support in any way even though they can. Is this normal? She said she wishes they were more helpful in her life but they just never have been. Do people stop helping their kids when they're adults?

We help were we can, we’re retired and son lives in USA so help child mind in summer and Christmas holidays, also help financially with there first house purchase.

In my family it's always been normal for over 100 years, although not expected or asked for.

I think a good way to explain it is, imagine the parent has 10M in bank. Meanwhile the child has nothing, and is in their first job at 30k a year.

It feels weird for the parent to see their child have a vastly different lfestyle to what they have, e.g. parent could go on unlimited holidays a year, the child perhaps goes on no holidays until they improve their position. Parents wants to go on holiday with child, so they pay. Or the child lives in terrible, unsafe housing, while the parent lives in a mini mansion, so again the parent might want to step in.

Equally, there was a point in my 20s when I was significantly better off than my parents, so I would take them on holidays etc. i know lots of kids that buy their parents homes, take them on holiday etc.

It's love, really.

Personally if I saw anyone I love struggle and be in a much better positon than them, whether it is a partner, friend, sibling, parent, I would help them. Or if I had much more time than them and they'd be rushed off their feet, I'd offer to help in some way. For example, one of my friends is having a tough time with childcare, and I have lots of spare time, so I do occassional childcare for them just because. If it was my child instead of my friend, I'd of course do the same

Most of mum's friends help their adult children in some way and take immense pride in it.

I agree- if parents raise their children responsibly - love them, educate them, and raise them to be functioning adults- why should there be an expectation that the task of parenting should continue indefinitely?
My parents supported me to go to university but after I graduated and got a job, I took it for granted that I was now independent of them. They were always there for me to support and advise - but I considered myself to be a fully- functioning adult and would not have expected financial support from them!

My grandson spent 6weeks in GOSH after life saving surgery immediately after his birth. I travelled every day to London to support my daughter. She is now a single parent, I do 3 nursery runs every week, nip to the shop if she needs anything, I have paid off some of her car loan . I'm looking after my grandson this weekend, I help her with any diy.
My parents were lovely, sadly not with us anymore and I want to support my daughter the same as they supported me.

My adult children have never asked me for financial help. They are not the slightest bit entitled but I will be helping them with flat deposits and much more because I love them and it gives me more pleasure to see them use it than spending it myself!

Your Mum sounds lovely

Absolutely no help at all, either practically, emotionally or financially.

Not at all since university as they have well paying jobs and live within their means. On the other hand I am sending £900 a month to my parents to pay for care costs and to help them retain some independence.

DH and I don't get help, we give it. My in-laws do a lot of childcare for bil and sil and don't really have any energy left to help us with our kids ever. My mum isn't really in good enough health to help us with anything. She's waiting for cataract surgery and can't drive at the minute so every week I'm having to drive 90 minutes to her house and pick her up so she can stay with us a couple of days so she's not totally isolated. We provide financial support to his brother and my brother and, occasionally our parents. We pay phone bills, make doctors appointments, pay for all family meals and events etc etc etc.

It's fine, we're capable and in a better position than most. But it would be lovely, just one day, one time, to have someone say "don't worry about it, I'll do it".

We'll absolutely help our kids when they are adults!

Alot of us needing/ wanting help were left to our own devices from a very young age, and lacked direction/ attention/ help in any way, financial or otherwise.

This led us needing more help when a bit older. Hard to understand if you were supported and loved until a responsible age.

I had a lot of help. We were close and if we could help each other we would; whether that was a lift to an appointment, childcare or a weekly food shop. I appreciated them every single day; I nursed my dad in his final days and care for my mum now she needs me. As someone said above, it’s love, it’s family (for some of us).
One of my children is in her 20’s and we’ve helped her a lot financially and emotionally. She doesn’t need the financial support anymore but will help in any which way we can- it’s what we go to work for and live for.

Help flows both ways in our family. My DP helped practically with house moves in my 20s, do some school holiday childcare now, and have put a bit of money to my and DB when they've had extra through inheritances etc.

We earn more than them now and so I try to pay for holidays, meals, etc. when we see them. I'd love if they would accept more. I'm fully prepared to pay towards care costs for them and DFIL if it's needed.

DM got no monetary help from her parents, but her DM did childcare in the holidays. I think she's happy she can do more for us.

DS and his partner live in a house which DH inherited. They pay us rent but way below market value. At some point we will sell and give him money towards a deposit.

We had financial support ourselves in terms of housing deposits when we were younger plus recent inheritance.

Do you just never see your parents then? I'm not sure what the point in the relationship is if they're not prepared to act like parents or support their children in any way. Surely most people would rather see their friends in their precious free time if they've got parents like that. I don't even see the point in staying in touch!

Personally when I had my children, it was a lifetime commitment for me. They are now independent young adults, both living in their first homes with their partners and financially stable post uni. I'm long divorced from their dad and he is a hard working wealthy businessman. I have very little financially compared to him. We started pensions for them when they were born, and he has helped them out with first cars and first house purchases, I take them on holidays - I adore their company, take them for meals out, help with home DIY, in fact I wish I could do more but they are very independent! We had no school fees as we live in an area that has excellent state schools. If I had to, I'd sell my home to provide any money they needed if they fell on hard times. They are kind, hard working and respectful, and I don't know how anyone can bring a child into this world without feeling that way.

My parents helped me out a lot. Dad gave me deposit for first house. Bought me my first car and Mum cared for eldest 2 of my DC twice a week while I worked. When I moved 2 hours away and DC at school Mum would come in half term to care for my DC. When I had third DC and was ill after giving birth she came for 3 weeks to care for all of us. When ex DH was made redundant they helped with mortgage until he got new job four months later. They have always given me emotional support too.

I in turn have tried to help and support my DC. I loved too far away from my DD to offer childcare but I paid 1 day nursery for both DC. Exh and I bought DD her first car. DH and I paid for eldest DS to do his hgv driving lessons and license. We gave him deposit for his house and I spent ages finding him best rate for his mortgage. DH and I gave youngest ds his mortgage deposit and bought him washing machine, coffee table and table and chairs for his house.

DH and I have loaned money to all of my DC so they can pay back some each month to avoid interest charges from loan from bank.

When dad's car broke and she needed a car to get to work and take DC to nursery I bought her another decent one.

They all know of they have a problem I'll do anything I can go help them solve it. They also know I wouldn't lend them money for a holiday or frivolous purposes.

DH and I have a holiday home in France and they all know they can use it whenever they wish. I also do gifting of £1k each every year. They know if they need help I'm only a phone call away.

We paid all uni fees and bought both DC good cars so they could start jobs with no debts. We paid for DD’s very nice wedding and gave her and our lovely son in law $10k to help when they bought a house. We gave the same to DS when he got his first apartment to buy furniture and household goods.

Neither has kids, so no babysitting needed. DD now lives a plane ride away, DS is local. They are 24 and 26.

I have two young children. My parents live near by. Neither of them have ever done any childcare unless you count having my son while I gave birth. Neither ever help financially. My dad comes round once a week to help me with some housework and takes my dog for a long walk. I’m more than happy with that and grateful for the help. My mum does next to nothing but likes to make out that she does loads and me and my children are a big inconvenience in her life. She has told me I’m “not allowed” to have any more. I plan to help my children in any way that I can for as long as I’m physically able to. And if I’m ever lucky enough to have grandchildren I would love to be as involved as possible.

Family dynamics are interesting. My parents gave me no help at all. I left for uni at 18 and they didn't expect me back, or for them to have any financial involvement from that point forward. Childhood was always pretty thin, I had a job at 13 to buy my own clothes and sanpro.

My ds is 17 and I've done everything I can to give him a happy secure childhood and a comfortable home. Activities, school ski trips, tech, holidays. He's starting uni in September. I'll pay his halls room. Ds has a Saturday job and has saved up to cover his first year's living expenses. His dad however, shrugged and said "once he's 18, he's not my responsibility any more". He isn't prepared to contribute anything. 😲

I don't understand how or why anyone would do that to their child. Ds is bright, pleasant and hardworking, not spoilt or entitled. Yet his dad will happily abandon him. It seems unnatural, lazy and the ultimate selfishness to me. It is definitely shit parenting.

But you get from a relationship, what you put in. I was estranged from my parents by 21 and never really bothered with them again. They never met my child. I can see ds losing contact with his df if ex is too mean to pay the diesel to go and see him. ☹️

@abracadabra1980 and where would you live if you sold your house to help your children out.
@Firefly1987 correct me if Im wrong but your post seems to imply that unless parents are providing 'help' to their adult children there is no relationship.
I've never had any financial help from my mum. She doesn't have it to give.
My son is 22. When he was 19 I happened to have some money from a redundancy payment so helped him buy his first car.
I've always been a single parent. I earned enough to give him a good childhood but not enough to save.
You see I had this master plan that between 60 and 67 I would have no mortgage so could save then for him.
Unfortunately in February at age 60 I was diagnosed with cancer and went from being comfortable to being on the poverty line overnight. As I doubt I will live long enough to have to use my home to pay for care home fees, he will at least inherit my house.
What I have given my son is resiliance, a work ethic, aspiration, a desire to earn his money and be independent. He will do better than me, as I have done better than my mum, if we are talking in financial term
I would be heartbroken if he viewed our relationship as so transactional. I've been a great mum to my son, and will continue to be a great mum. But its not about money as I don't have it to give.

We help our two, they're only 21 and 17!

I wouldn't expect to help them much financially by their late 20's barring one-off gifts like a house deposit (if we can afford it). We do expect them to be financially self-sufficient by then. If we can help with practical matters and advice, we certainly will.

It does bother me slightly when people my age (early 50's) still have parents in their 80's running around after them tbh, I think it's time to give back when you're middle-aged.

@Ted27 I wasn't thinking about money at all actually! The OP covered lots of ways that support could be. I was thinking of all the things that let a person know their parents (or any family for that matter) have got their back. It could be purely emotional support or a favour when you need it. I don't see it as transactional I just don't like this idea that once you're an adult that's it you're on your own and you shouldn't even ask a favour from your parents ever.

I've dropped my mum off at the airport (even though I hate driving) I went with my dad to all his doctors appointments and tried to advocate for him so it works both ways. It'd be very cold of me to say "well you're an adult handle it all yourself" but it seems like that's fine the other way round!

I'm very sorry to hear about your diagnosis

Yes I agree with this.
Myself and dh would be really embarrassed if our parents were helping like some parents do.
I was 31 when I got married and dh was 30 and we always felt we were too old to be needing help from parents.
Our 3 teenagers are very independent too.
My parents have 15 grandkids and pil have 9 so none of us get any help except one bil in law, but we don't mind that cos him and his dw aren't great parents and we feel sorry for their kid

@Firefly1987 I agree that reciprocal parent/adult child relationships are the ideal, when family members help and support each other as needed. It's not the same as enabling or expecting too much when you're a grown adult, it's just helping out.

I'm very lucky that my children see this and are very kind to their Grandpa, for example, who needs a lot of support. It makes a big difference.

We have saved enough to cover our elderly care costs so we won’t burden our adult kids. If we don’t need it they’ll get a nice surprise when we die.
Mil’s elderly care has “cost” us more than we want to think about. I dread to think how awful it would have been if she had generously given her savings to loved ones because it made her feel nice.