To ask how much help you give your adult kids?

[BennettsHome]

And what type of help? My parents have always helped in any way they can- financially, with errands / care for pets, diy etc. I felt so sad for my friend recently who I discussed this with. Her parents do nothing for her, no support in any way even though they can. Is this normal? She said she wishes they were more helpful in her life but they just never have been. Do people stop helping their kids when they're adults?

My parents steadfastly refused to help me financially or practically in any way since I became an adult Their decision, it upset me, and my mother in particular watched me struggle financially.

Probably as a result I have helped my adult DD financially and practically a lot. It brings me great pleasure, and I am grateful that I have been able to support her to buy her first property.

Most of my friends have had college paid for, gap year. House deposit / lump sum. Wedding. Car. Kids school fees. Holidays. Cash gifts.

My sister has had all of the above. I haven’t. My parents provide free childcare & are very close to my DS. I see them all the time, they’re fit & healthy. I value that very much.

My parents don’t support me and on the few occasions I’ve asked for help (something small and not financial), they are so put out, that I’ve just given up asking. Different story for my siblings.

I just have just one and I’m able to help him out and I like doing it but he never asks for help

he inherited my late parents house so that was a huge house deposit and car and he still has around 20k left over

If he gets a big car bill or house bill say 700 I will give him 500 towards it
i never pay the full amount though
I do pay for his car insurance though

If him and his partner are going away for the weekend I give them 100 cash to spend on drinks or a meal out

birthdays & Christmas it’s normally 250 cash and presents

holidays I normally give him a few hundred spending money

they live close so I see him once or twice a week but it might only be in passing but we speak regularly

last year I paid for them both to come on holiday with me and DH

They are thinking of getting married so I’ve said I will pay for stuff like a photographer dj decorations and give them 5k towards it so probably around 10k in total

My mother was born at the end of ww2 and her mother worked (yes, even when married with children) and her grandmother - born at the end of the 1800s - did after school childcare for her and her sister.

I don't think that's when parents "started" helping their adult children, but it's an example of them doing so before most MN posters were born...

Even when my son was growing up I paid for him to learn to drive bought him his first car and insured it and maintained it for him

prior to him getting together with his partner we used to have holidays in Vegas Miami Thailand at least one big holiday a year

I like being able to help him and his partner
they work hard but on average wages but because they have a low mortgage they are doing pretty well financially for their age

No help at all, despite my parents living locally, financially well off (mortgage free and cash rich), both being in good health and both young (I'm 36, my parents aren't yet 60).

I moved to uni at 18, and since then the only time my parents have helped me practically is one time when I moved house (I've moved 6 times).

We have 2 children under 5- it would be nice to have some practical help or even some emotional support but unfortunately it isn't there.

I do feel a bit sad when my friends talk about their own parents and how involved they are in their lives, but it just isn't that way for us on both sides.

I am looking forward to giving my children a different future than my own because it can be hard at times.

Of course I saw my mum. I just didn’t expect her to sort all my problems out.

Mine didn’t have much. They did pay for driving lessons. DF loaned money for part of first flat deposit that was then paid back.

My DM died before I had DC and lived in a different place so I had no expectation of childcare help.

Sure would have been nice, but to another thread about unmotivated teens … boy did I feel motivated to get on in life. No-one else was going to do it for me.

My dad helps me financially. I never ask. He just gave me 50k for a house deposit (I will just get 50k less from my inheritance). My mum helps me with childcare which thankfully she enjoys.

We had 4 children under 7. My parents never helped in any way whatsoever. My DH’s family all live overseas but were amazing.
Me, DH and now adult DC are all extremely close and we do loads for them. I’ve been NC with my own family for years now they never cared and probably haven’t noticed.

We give to them and they give to us.

We look after their dog, provide support with technical stuff, visit often, have days out, support them looking after their parents (our grandparents) etc generally are very close.
They help with childcare once a week and every so often on a weekend because they chose to. They’ll often cook lunch.
they don’t support us financially as we wouldnt ask! We’re mid 30’s.

My parents always gave fantastic help in every way and we’ll do the same for our son. I know friends who get little to no help and others who like me are very lucky.

3adult DC. 1DGC. I buy things regularly for DGC in the past month a stroller, wooden swing/slide set for the garden (that I promised ages ago), clothes, shoes and toys. I am not well (life limiting condition). They did not ask me to be regular childcare, but I take DGD out regularly and as a family we get together at least once a week to eat and I pay.
DS2 (and his gf) lives at home and is saving for a house. We gave each DC an amount of money when we inherited from MIL. His went into his ISA that he has for when he buys.
DC3 is at university and currently home for the Summer. We help her at university because her student loan barely covers accommodation. Financially we probably help her m
I wish we could do more. DIL comes from a far far wealthier family than we are. This means in real terms she is sometimes gifted things way beyond us. For example, houses, cars, living expenses and a six figure wedding. She was privately educated and it's likely DGD will also go to the same school. We offer time, help, and the gifts where we can. I will say DIL is lovely and a wonderful mother, not at all spoilt. I have nothing but respect for her.

Mine are mid/late twenties. I still bung them a few hundred pounds when I can, and am very generous with birthdays and Christmas.

I pay for each of them to go on holiday with their friends/DP each year, plus I take each one away for a long weekend with me each year which I fully finance.

I also provide emotional and other practical support as much as I can. I am not remotely wealthy, certainly not by MN standards, but I live modestly in a tiny house and drive an old car. I prefer to prioritise my holidays and being able to support my children.

Their friends have a mixed experience. Some are living in Knightsbridge living fully funded lives where they don’t really work but get to fulfill artistic aspirations. Others get absolutely nothing, not even emotional support.

I have to be honest though and say that I wouldn’t be up for regular childcare if that situation arose. Babysitting or emergency cover, absolutely fine, but I have friends who are completely wrung out from providing three days a week in their sixties.

Things are harder for young people today and we’re in a situation now where generally older generations are better off. It used to generally be the other way around, which goes to explain why a lot of parents help their adult children these days financially or otherwise.

Did you ever think they want to do it?

My parents live over an hour away, but they love spending time with my girls, so they offer to have them for some of the school holidays. I could put then into summer playschemes, but they want to have the girls and the girls love spending time with their grandparents, building that relationship. Our parents generation are often retired but still very healthy and want to give the help they never had

It's a 2 way street for us , as per my previous post, I help my daughter and she helps me when my back is bad , she does my shopping and housework, we're a family, we love each other and don't want anyone to struggle. Life is short and sometimes difficult, it's just a given that we help each other.

In my circle parents of adult children definitely help where they can, financially (broad range from interest free loan on building work to large house deposits and school fees), helping with the kids, errands, DIY and gardening jobs.
Lots of mothers doing babysitting and maybe helping around the house while visiting, lots of dads cutting grass, painting rooms, doing some DIY.
Parents around who don’t help at all isn’t very common ime.

Its actually your comment that is embarrassing.

Functional families have always helped each other for generations. It’s sad if yours isn’t like that but it doesn’t make it weird for anyone else.
Even when I was a child grandparents helped with childcare for multiple grandchildren in both mine and my DH’s family. One offered more financial support because they had the means, the other helped my parents out practically by helping them renovate their first home 40 year ago so they could get it ready for the first baby.

Grandparents generally have less of their own children compared to one and two generations ago, they also live longer so they have much more spare time to go around.
Most people with normal family dynamics realise that a family relationship is just like a marriage, you have to nurture it, invest in it, you don’t just stop having anything to do with your children once they hit 18.

Surely even adult siblings help eachother out? It’s but purely parental, is just being in a functional family.

I think it’s pragmatic to allow the brother if he needs space with children to live in the family house if the parents are happy to live in a fllat ( less upkeep anyway if older.. )perhaps the son pays the rent or mortgage on that? but i’d be helping the orher child out financially to even things out.

Yes all of my friends help their kids out.

Exactly I’m a GM my parents and PIL helped us as they have told me did their parents. I know my maternal gm and gf looked after me as a young child

I have never been helped by my parents even though they help my sister. Their excuse has always been distance but that’s not a factor in emotional and moral support. Never got support for that, so I barely have relationship with and dread their visits. My partners parents help him a lot.

My parents are the type to tell people how much they will help / have helped but it’s not true. They like to look helpful. They tell people they paid for my university education but I I have the £45K debt to prove otherwise!! They did not pay the £9K tuition fee and they only topped up when my minimal maintenance loan ran out but it was probably cheaper than me being at home.

Then they’re always say they’d pay for my wedding throughout my life which I was sooo excited about because it was my dream day. Did they? Nope! Because it’s something they’ve always said I was waiting for them to offer and they never did so my husbands father ended up paying half with us. I had to ask my mum to pay for the HALF of the flowers but I’m sure they go round telling people they paid for the whole thing

same with house deposit - they’ve always said ‘darling we’ll help in anyway we can’ (I am only child) and now I have a child of
my own , still in a rented house and no sign of my parents helping to buy a place whatsoever. It’s really strange that they say they’re going to do things and when the time comes, no one puts their hands in their pocket.

my dad asks me to transfer him £10 every month for my phone bill (it’s always been a rolling contract) … I need to find my own because I just HATE the fact he actually messages me just for a tenner every month.

for context they are by no means poor and live in a 5 bed house mortgage free in a leafy village in a home county.

I will NEVER be like that for my son. He’s only a couple months old and I’m already putting money into an ISA for him