To ask how much help you give your adult kids?

[BennettsHome]

And what type of help? My parents have always helped in any way they can- financially, with errands / care for pets, diy etc. I felt so sad for my friend recently who I discussed this with. Her parents do nothing for her, no support in any way even though they can. Is this normal? She said she wishes they were more helpful in her life but they just never have been. Do people stop helping their kids when they're adults?

My parents did nothing, Nada, zilch.

My MIL is amazing, babysits, looks after the dog on holidays, picks us up if we are somewhere awkward, airport runs etc.

I still see my dad (mum dead) every couple of weeks but it's all quite surface level, we talk about him playing golf, who he goes to the pub with etc.

We have a much stronger relationship with PIL.

For the first time in forever I actually dropped a hint to my dad about the cost of the school uniform coming up. I don't need him to buy it but it was of been a great help. I said ee god the school uniform is so expensive, I'll be eating beans on toast for a month to pay for it (jokingly).
His girlfriend was there and she doesn't have a lot of money at all. She said she saved for months to help her daughter but the uniform. My dad sat there oblivious, actually interrupted and asked for a cup of tea. He regularly tells us that's he's never felt richer and doesn't know what to do with all these different pensions hes getting, it just doesn't seem to cross his mind to help in anyway.

My parents did very little for me. Our son and daughter have different lives (one married with no kids further away and one married with kids local) but we've helped them both substantially financially (tens of thousands from our savings for houses etc). Also taken both of them and partners on holiday. Did childminding 2 days a week for 4 years for grandchildren and still do various pick-ups and holiday cover now. I was a working mum with little help, so know how hard it is.
Forgot to add, husband does loads of decorating and painting when they move house!

We live in a different country to both sets of parents (mine/DH's) and I much prefer it this way. When we see them it's for fun and spending quality time together, and I don't feel obligated or indebted for being reliant on them for regular day to day help.

PILs are desperate to help and are very generous with their offers but to an extent that makes me uncomfortable. It's not really about us, it's about their need to be needed. MIL derives a sense of purpose from it and doesn't much like that I prefer not to "need" her. It can be smothering - she's v involved in her daughter's life (to the extent the she proofreads SIL's job applications - SIL is 36....) and expects the same access to mine which I don't want - tbh I find it infantilising.

My own parents are much more chilled and recognise that I'm a capable adult and can manage. As a result I feel far more comfortable asking and accepting help from them because it's so much less emotionally loaded. The dynamic is far more adult to adult, than adult to child.

He lives there rent free as to quote his parents “don’t want to do a tax return.” It is a house in south west london and they give us absolutely nothing. His partner also doesn’t work. It’s created a lot of resentment why help one child and not the other. My parents are always fair with me and my brother and given us the same financial help.

I don't think it's hard or sad. Obviously if it's a crisis your loved ones are your first point of call but I stopped needing my parents when I became an adult. I wouldn't dream of asking them for help, certainly not financial. I'm a grown up!

We give a lot of practical and financial support to our 22 year old son (and his GF who he rents with, although obviously to a lesser extent financially and not direct). In contrast GF gets absolutely nothing from her parents. We are careful to at least try and ensure the support removes friction and supports progress rather than rather than providing massive lifestyle inflation or the need to manage and budget their own adult lives day to day. e.g. we will give him money to max a LISA and pay his private dental and various other things (so he has the capacity to save) but not monthly bills or rent. The drive to progress and earn more is definitely still there. He was given a lump sum at 18 and invested that. There will be more lump sums along the way (that he does not know about) and we expect the ongoing financial support out of surplus income/practical support to just take a different guise as time goes by rather than stop.

It is certainly way beyond what DH and I got from our parents. Financially (we got none/almost none and then we were expected to pay for them (meals out etc) if anything from a fairly young age) it needs to be these days even to stay still but even practically so much more. I think we give them level we would have liked to get. My lack of help was more driven by circumstances (finances/tragic life events/distance) but DH’s was different (financially comfortable and local) and he carries some resentment, but I think that is more how they were emotionally rather than practically or financially really.

I give mine loads. I help financially, look after pets and do childcare a full day a week. I expect this to be more when I retire.
I find it very sad that people watch their adult kids struggle. We see each other a lot too. I lived in Italy for a long time which I think has had an influence.
All the different generations help each other there.
I am a scouser so it’s also common to be close to family here.

Bitter much?!

That’s so lovely.
I and the opposite. My mum was spectacularly unhelpful so I’m breaking that chain with my children.

My parents helped paying my rent at uni but I had a part time job to pay for everything else ( bills, groceries, books , clothes , going out- which I didn't really do etc...). After that, nothing. Since I've had my children, they give money for their birthdays/Christmas. Right now, my mum sends money to pay for their swimming lessons.
I'm grateful but it seems like a lot of people around me get way more in terms of support. My parents live abroad so can't help with childcare or anything involving close proximity. Which is no one's fault.

I don’t have adult dc yet but my two parents are very helpful. Over the years they’ve dog sat (regularly), baby sat, did DIY, helped with gardening, let us live with them for months when house was being renovated (and did the same for my two siblings), given us lifts, gifted us small amounts of money and basically would drop everything to help one of us out if we asked. We’re very grateful.
equally I have them over for Sunday dinner, give them lifts, sort and take them on holiday with us, sort stuff for them if the don’t understand (mostly tech stuff).
it’s give and take and amongst all my friends their parents are a key part of their lives.

But do you really know they can help? I would love to help my children I just can’t.

I haven’t lived in the same country as my family for well over 15 years and they’re on one side of the Atlantic and I’m on the other. This makes me pretty reliant on the whims of strangers, friends, and in-laws.

My ex-MIL? A benign, neglectful narcissist.

My current in-laws? Seem like really good people who have grown out of whatever issues they had, but their son also needs a lot of help because he’s a genius but neurodiverse (so am I but Jesus, women are 100x better as masking because society FORCES us to handle life admin from the youngest age possible), so it gets messy when it gets messy and they’re always willing to help when it gets messy.

I do childcare, buy the odd thing for the grandchildren but that’s it. Both of my children are considerably richer than me.

F

That isn’t what the OP asked.

I agree - in normal healthy families people mutual help and support is common.

This thread and a great many others here are talking about uni directional help - what help do parents give adult children, often accompanied by sweeping assumptions of how easy the grandparent generation had it - their MC mothers “didn’t work” (SAHMs being valueless on MN), childcare was all free and houses were given away with packets of crisps. I’m always tempted to ask what people do for their parents by way of nurturing those relationships as they should indeed be reciprocal. “Help” in these threads is always money and free childcare.

Outside of MN families do mostly help each other as and when they can. And of course help is not always childcare and cash - the emotional support of a strong family is just as important at difficult times and most provide this even if they can’t hand over cash and don’t live close enough to be free childcare.

I often wonder where all these dysfunctional families are that inhabit MN. Then I remember that they are not posting about problem families as they don’t have them or manage to just rub along with each other.

Which why my comment wasn’t to the OP, it was to someone claiming families helping was abnormal.

It feels like some adult children always need help. Some of my friends report their - siblings are helped enormously because they never really grew up and are very much dependent on their parents - is it co-dependency? I don't know. My parents supported us through Uni and when we got a job there was no need for financial assistance. Mum was always on the end of a phone for a chat but they were never hands on parents - I wouldn't have left my kids with them. We got no help from in-laws either - they were in another town - they had also stated to SIL that they just weren't interested in kids - so no big drama.

My own kids - I don't have the desire to shower them with gifts and pay and shelter them from every little hardship they might encounter - I'd like to think we've brought them up to be independent adults, we've spent time teaching them how to budget, we've educated them in not being financially impulsive. They have just graduated and live with us - they earn a good salary and they are not stupid spenders. They still need emotional support - often work coaching. We eat out a lot - they often join us and we pay. They often come on some holidays with us - they pay for their flights - we pay for their food, accommodation and day trips.

They will not be getting an early inheritance, that will be going on our elderly care - which we will not be expecting them to do - if our parents had done the same - we would not be going through that hell now. It's worth thinking about for all you parents who want the best for their kids - plan for your old age - don't leave it to your adult kids to do everything.

When I finished uni my parents didn't want me home, didn't want to give me any support and basically thought I should have life all sorted out. It was horrible and I felt very lost and alone. In the end they gave me a deposit for a house to get rid of me. It was lovely to have that financial leg up and I still feel lucky for that, I just wish there had been some interest in me and support for me rather than it being a way to get rid of me.

DS (20) will get as much help, support and encouragement as I can give him. He's doing a fantastic degree apprenticeship that I helped him apply for and with interview practice. He's earning money that we top up every year so he has a good chunk to save, we help him find house shares, talk through things happening at work and are just really proud and interested in how he is doing. I can't see that ending during his 20's at least.

I couldn't imagine not helping my kids out every step of the way, IME it hasn't prevented DS becoming more and more independent, it's just scaffolded each new step until he's confident enough to do it by himself.

One of the key things for me is this.
I bought my first house in 1988 for 29k. In today’s money that’s 83k. Where can you buy a house for that these days? (A three bedroom one at that)
Added to that kids of the 60s and 70s went to university for free and got a grant.
Jobe were easy to come by too.
Young people today have things much tougher. That’s just a fact. So why wouldn’t I help when I can?

My DDs are adults and have left home.

We are in a position to help and we enjoy doing so. Cars, driving lessons, house deposits … no weddings or grandkids yet. We love taking them out for dinner and weekends away.
have also done a big holiday abroad with their partners.

They both work hard and are very appreciative. They don’t expect anything.

my mum didn’t have a lot but she would have been generous if she could.

my in laws were very generous with us .. paid off our mortgage with an inheritance … looked after our girls 3 days a week when we were at work.

what’s the point in hoarding money … enjoy it and enjoy seeing your kids benefit from it.

@Miranda65 had a point (as I read their post). These threads are never about families helping each other (normal in most families). The threads are always about unidirectional help, usually with a side order of how the awful parents go on five cruises a year. If grandparents took MN as their guide on how to grandparent they would sit at home just waiting for permission to provide free childcare for fear of overstepping or not providing enough cash/free help.

The OP wasn’t asking “does your family help each other” it was another thread on expectations of material and practical help from older parents to adult children.

Absolutely nothing , no physical , no emotional, no financial-nothing . My parents are elderly now but there’s a general principle or mantra in my family of nobodies helps anyone out but they like to talk about it . Due to many reasons we won’t get a cent either , tbh I’d have preferred some emotional support or even to be able to call my mum if I have any issues just for a friendly ear but it’s been made absolutely crystal clear from a young age to stay away. My dh family are actually even worse in that there’s absolutely no support of any kind and they’ve actually caused a lot of issues .
It has made us both resilient and very independent but honestly the difference between those who have support or some kind of net if they are in trouble and those that don’t is absolutely huge and you won’t get it at all if you have any form of help.
It’s sad though as now people are older and need help there’s no relationship with older grandchildren (they didn’t want them around them around when smaller ) it isn’t about childcare or lack off but I think it’s a natural consequence of “we don’t help and that’s that “ passing on to everyone . I certainly won’t be helping my in-laws who now really need it . I actually help my elderly neighbours who are lovely people and have been there for me over the years . Another element is that we have to work all the time now too (we are still paying off loans ) and now our kids are older we want to enjoy our free time when not at work.
I will try and help our kids out as much as I can when older and I’ll always be on the end of the phone as I know what it’s like not to have this .

That was me without the house deposit..

I was kicked out at 16, my partner's dad lived abroad and his mum was severely autistic then early onset dementia so no help. I help my children as much as I can, had my grandchild 3x a week until she started school, now collect her once a week, swap days off work to have her on inset days, let my daughter borrow my car for 6 months, helped my son pay his rent multiple times, take us all on holiday etc etc