6yo completely loses the plot after TV/tablet use, what do I do?

[TheJuryIsOut]

So my 6yo seems completely incapable of watching TV/playing on her tablet for any length of time without completely losing the plot when she comes off. So tonight she has watched about 45 minutes of TV, she then started arguing with her 11 year old sister and started kicking her and I had to physically drag her away at which point she started kicking me (which she never ever does, not even when she was a toddler) she just completely lost it, it was like she was completely out of control of her body/brain. She does this (although she's never physically attacked anyone before) almost every time she comes off a screen, just seems to turn into a completely different person.

Now I know people may say just get rid of all screens but is that really realistic in this day and age? She's going to be using screens at school and as she grows up, I just don't know if banning it outright is the answer. But what the hell is it about screens that could be causing this sort of explosive behaviour?

My five year old is the same with screens, her behaviour deteriorates massively.

DC have never been allowed iPads anyway, but I reduced tv watching to something strictly social or in the language DC are learning about 7 months ago.

It was a rocky transition at first, but I promise it’s absolutely fine and behaviour all-round is so much better. Also she’s found some more ‘interesting’ imaginative things to do which has been lovely to see.

I absolutely promise she’s not ‘behind’ in any way, they use screens way more than I’d like at school. She still knows her way around an iPad, despite never having been allowed one at home!

This is to do with the big dopamine hit we get from watching screens, I attended a talk with a child psychologist a while ago and this is one of the things he discussed. It makes it very hard to suddenly turn off a screen and lose that hit. He suggested a bridging activity, after a fair amount of warnings the screen would be going off ofc, was needed.

The bridging activity should also offer some level of stimulation, doesn't have to be crazy- with my boys sometimes it is "time to turn the telly off now, race you upstairs" or "time to turn the telly off, let's go play pirates and I'm immediately baddy pirate trying to catch them". It really does work, maybe have a Google as I'm probably not explaining well but the dopamine is the issue.

YouTube is very addictive, especially if she's scrolling shorts and getting a dopamine hit from it. It's addictive for adults let alone children who have less control even! So definitely no more YouTube, and I'd curate her Netflix viewing too. If they're watching for 45 mins that's about 4 kids shows pr half a film, can easily help choose it or get them to choose in advance and stick to it.

Ye it’s realistic. I just took away all iPads about 5 years ago for the same reasons. Bliss ever since.

My two older kids (6 and 9 now) were like this from about age three and so we have really limited screen time. They don't have tv during the week and at the weekend it's limited to a particular time, they all have to choose/compromise on what to watch and tbh I prefer them to watch a movie as they don't get as hooked as they do on short series. They watch extra if we are sitting down as a family to watch something together like gladiators, race around the world, sports etc. None of them have a tablet.

I sound like a fun sponge but genuinely had no strong options about tv/screens. But their behaviour immediately after was enough to make me limit it.

Edited to say I found The Anxious Generation useful on why this happens and how to give them some tv/what type of tv

With my kids I’ve noticed a definite hump from the ages of about 6-8 in screen use where they just want to do it all the time. It’s then waned naturally after that. Not sure why but I do wonder if there’s something developmental about it.

Does the same thing happen if she's watching it on the actual TV? I find with my DD6 that she can certainly behave similarly to this but it tends to be worse if she's watching something on a phone and worse with particular types of programmes. Films generally better than TV programmes, I think because the pace and unfolding of the story is usually slower.

You've dug your grave, now you've got to lie in it. Your child is reacting like that because they've been exposed to devices way too early and can't cope with them being taken away. TV is ok, but it's proven that mobiles and tablets have a different effect. When a child is given a mobile device to shut them up then this is what you get.

Id love a study into whether the high level of tablet/phone use plays a part. Obviously theres better diagnosis/more awareness but I think screen use is also a factor

OP take the blinking tablet away, a 6 year old does not need a tablet. School if shes using it will be controlled use, using it for an educational activity

You are the parent, remove the bloody thing, a 6 year old does not need a tablet

Tv - there was a very interesting website which I cant remember the link/name of - it ranked children's tv shows in terms of how high stimulation they were. Modern shows featured at the top a lot. Including modern versions of things like Fireman Sam.

I watched one of them out of interest and it was so bloody frantic

For TV id suggest finding an older, gentler show, or one of the low stimulation shows and only using them

Time to be a parent though in regards to the bloody tablet, a 6 year old does not need one. Remove it completely

Is she watching short form content on TV on YouTube or is it actual programmes on CBeebies/CBBC etc as we used to as children? It may well be that the content is overstimulating if the former.

Timers are your best friend with this age group. My youngest children know when the timer goes TV time or any screen time is over. They respect it. Youngest is suspected autistic.

Here's the site I was talking about. I instantly when first looking noticed a lot of modern shows are high on the stimulation ranking

https://tvtantrum.com/

To make it work you need to be consistent. Every single day.

6.5 here but yeah, same.

I've recently had to explain "cliff hangers" because he's gotten really into a couple of the star wars animated series - they're really good and have captured his imagination, which is great, but they're long running stories and obviously at first he was like "but I NEEEED to know what happens next!!" Understandable, tbf. His face when we explained we sometimes had to wait a WHOLE WEEK for next episodes when we were younger 🤣 Once he was used to it though, it's all fine again.

@TheJuryIsOut We tend to do set times for the telly so he knows what to expect and he will usually turn it off himself at the end point.

YouTube is a behaviour trigger for my 5 year old so we have a strict no YouTube rule in the mornings or before bed and she complains a lot less about getting ready for school or bed. She is allowed to watch on weekends but that’s after a couple of week long bans and she seems to understand now that it will go forever if she starts behaving the same again.

My 10 year old doesn’t have tantrums but she struggles to pull her attention away from a tablet and so we didn’t let her have her own til she was 8 and that’s also pretty much just for travelling and occasionally on weekends if she wants to hang out in her room for some quiet time.

I’ve found it’s often not a ‘screen’ issue on the whole, but the smaller the screen the worse it is and short form content like YouTube is hugely different to a half hour tv show.

Warning time before taking it off completely and have a distraction prepared such as a snack or activity. This isn't a new problem, been around since the beginning of tv etc. Some people are more susceptible to the flow mechanism it gives their brain which can lead to screen addiction. It's especially common in people with add.

I'm older and my son who is now 36 got quite addicted to TV. He liked the anime stuff that had just come out. TV addiction has been around for awhile but you are right the new programmes are worse. Similar to the way pokie machines work to get people addicted. My older boy had no interest in TV at all.

Mine are 18 an 21, so tablets were less of a thing until introduced at school in y5 (so around age 9?) hasn’t made them any less ‘addicted’ now, due to being in the lockdown generation where there was no choice to be online. If I could put the toothpaste back in the tube and not give them devices until mid/late teens I would.

In these circumstances I’m afraid I would remove screen devices completely until she is older. She can earn it back with good behaviour, but just 5-10min chunks of time.

Adult to child, I'm going to let you do this thing that I know you can't cope with because you're a normal six year old, and results in your behaviour going haywire which is a completely reasonable reaction to something you shouldn't be exposed to in the first place, and then, I'm going to punish you for the behaviour?

What's wrong with this picture?

I know it's difficult, it's become so normalised for young children to have access to screens but could you reframe it so rather than feeling like you're "taking it away", you're helping her, as is your responsibility as a parent, to not have access to things that are detrimental to her?

We know vaping is shit for us. Presumably you'll try to restrict her access to that for as long as possible, can you take the same approach with this?

If you take YouTube away for a week, you're pushing the problem a week down the road. She won't be any more developmentally able to cope with YouTube shorts next week, than she is this week. Does that make sense?

Haven't read the whole thread but this worked for us. Get involved with what they're doing on the TV/tablet before you take it away. Ask them what they're doing/watching, sit with them and watch for a minute, say one or two things that show you're engaging with it/them - approving things not critical - and then say 'ok at the end of this episode' or whatever useful unit let's have tea, go out, whatever.

I'm not saying it's a cure but it it's much better than a hard transition.

Of course you can ban screens you’re the adult here. Explain why. But you need to provide alternatives and teach her how to occupy herself with them eg colourign workbooks crafts stories etc

I took all 4 kids tablets away for 3 months. Just said I’d sold them. Behavior changed for the better in a remarkably short time. The 2 who had caused the ban found it harder than the 2 that hadn’t. Make sure you’re prepared to play games with them instead through. And encourage reading books etc. Because she probably won’t have the resources to entertain herself without direction.

How much sport does she do? My very angry child (now 20) needs a lot of activity to keep her temper in check. And she was not the one with the screen issues so sounds like you might have the double whammy.

Say the tablet broke and remove the TV. They do not need it and she cannot cope.

Screen use at school isn’t like at home- they’re not watching short episodes.

If you keep tv and screens stick to Disney films and gentle stuff on BBC Iplayer. No YouTube, and no quick, five minute episodes which ruin their attention span.

Wtf is a six year old doing on screens anyway?!!!