AIBU to expect no shouting during arguments with my partner?

[Ghostessgirl]

DP thinks I’m U as I’ve asked him not to shout at me during arguments.

Im extremely over sensitive and hate being shouted at. I just freeze, can’t think of what to say and start crying. I hate this, it makes me feel weak. I had an extremely abusive relationship in my early 20s and I wonder if it stems from that.

Each time we have an argument, I’ve shared with him after about my past and how it’s affected me. Each time he apologises, says he’s working on his anger and that he will try and not shout. Next time he always does.

Now hes started saying “sticks and stones, grow up” if I mention it. He says he can’t control it, and that I’m controlling him by asking him to stop.

He doesn’t stop once he’s started either, I’ll be standing there with tears streaming down my face and he just carries on. Not a flinch of stopping.

I’m worried the neighbours can hear him. At the moment he’s giving up smoking (cigarettes) and so he says he can’t help the shouting.

aibu to think that you don’t need to shout in an argument and you CAN control it?

Shouting isn't inherently abusive - it's just communicating loudly. Many people shout harmlessly and without malice, it's a normal way of communicating in lots of families. But shouting can be abusive if what is being shouted is meant to hurt and is cruel or demeaning and a way of damaging or frightening someone, and it that is what is going on here.

You are focusing on the wrong thing - it's not about whether shouting is okay or not - it's his intent with shouting at you knowing it will hurt and upset you and not caring that he has done so.

This 100% ^.

I cut contact with a family member because he shouted at me. I told him to go shout at someone else.

Shouting is abuse OP and you don't have to take it.

Honestly some people shout and some people don’t. Me and DH have had the occasional shout, but neither of us have a strong reaction to being shouted at like you do.

He is definitely wrong for shouting at you until you cry, that’s just mean. I don’t think shouting always means abuse, but he is using it to make you scared and upset which is abusive. He doesn’t sound very nice at all OP.

I grew up in a shouty house and when I was younger also shouted in disagreements with my DP (now DH) one day he told me it made him freeze up and panic. I was so ashamed I’d made him feel that way and vowed to work on myself. At first it took work for me to resist the urge to raise my voice but quite quickly I started to feel more in control our communication improved and we actually disagreed at lot less. For some people like me shouting is learned behaviour that can be undone once you accept it’s not normal and is damaging to you and those around you. The fact your DH sees how upset you are and carries on is what really concerns me as it suggests he doesn’t care about how his behaviour impacts you and that’s not ok - you should not be subject to this behaviour.

Does the relationship serve you and enhance your life? An angry boyfriend doesn't sound pleasant, would you not rather have the bliss of being single?

As others said you are in another abusive relationship. He knows your history and still stands there screaming while you are crying. He is a bully. I bet he does not scream at his boss, his friends etc.

Do not have children with this man. Leave

I don't think raised voices or shouting during an argument, when feelings obviously run high, are an issue. The problem is the amount that you're arguing.

"Each time" we argue - how often is this? All couples will have blow-ups where they shout at each other, or go sullen and silent and sulky - it's not good behaviour but it happens. It shouldn't be happening frequently. In 14 years DH and I have had two arguments like that. I could not be in a relationship where I was shouted at (or given the silent treatment) on a frequent basis, or indeed if I was the one shouting or giving silent treatment. (FWIW, in arguments I default to shouting and DH to silence. It's really unpleasant and neither of us are proud. This is why they've only happened twice in 14 years.)

Also a bad sign is that OP's partner has obviously stopped giving a shit (if he ever did) about triggering her fears.

This is not the relationship for either of you. Please leave him.

I have told my children not to have relationships with someone who shouts at them when they are upset or angry.

It may well be something that is very hard for him to stop doing - he probably doesn't even realise he is doing it, as its so automatic for him. But that does not mean you should put up with it.

You two are not compatible and you should leave the relationship.

Nope, you're not unreasonable. DP and I have managed to go 20 years without ever shouting at each other. Arguments should be discussions, with the aim of coming to a compromise.

However, this does mean he has to be able to get his point across without resorting to raising his voice. I've had partners who wouldn't let me get a word in edgeways in an argument, it makes it incredibly difficult not to raise your voice. Those partners didn't last long, neither did the ones who shouted.

I mean, why are you even trying to sort this out if you're arguing so much it's a constant issue?

For those saying they shout and it doesn’t mean anything; it may not do in your case but there are many variations of shouting. Most of the time we can distinguish between them. But fundamentally raised voices are a sign to humans of danger and the need to be alert.

When people argue they become frustrated with the other party. This leads to loud and high pitched speaking which is a form of shouting. But it is not necessarily aggressive or intimidating. It may not be alarming to an adult but probably would to a child.

However some people will shout to be aggressive or even defensive and it is meant to intimidate. In arguments it is meant to silence or threaten. It will escalate to the next level if not checked. The next level is physical violence.

OP, whether or not he is being aggressive or abusive you cannot communicate on a basic level. Any relationship will involve disagreement and it is a sign of good or functional one of you can disagree respectfully and keep control of extreme emotions. He can’t and to some extent you can’t. You should not be together and you should address the obvious PTSD you have.

I would end a relationship with someone who shouted at me until I cried and then didn't stop. That's awful.

@Ghostessgirl you've expressed your communication preference with very valid reasons for that preference. You can't dictate that your DP behaves in a certain way, as that would be controlling, but you can - and have - explained your needs. You have put down a boundary for his behaviour towards you.

It seems that your DP is either unable or unwilling to comply with your request/needs for him not to shout at you in arguments. You have to decide if his inability to respect your boundary or your needs has consequences and what those are going to be.

It sounds like a very regular occurrence? How often is this happening?

@Ghostessgirl I am sure the vast majority of us have had arguments with our partners but to me no this is not normal.

A man who shouts at a crying woman, knowing she has been in an abusive relationship in the past, on a regular basis is a prize cunt.

Oh I think one can say that ”shouting equals bad.” Honestly how you can read this description of OP standing in tears while he contemptuously says “sticks and stones” is a communication issue or purely stylistic is beyond me.

Contempt—which he displays to her—is a sign of a very bad marriage and a terrible misfit between the two parties. There is nothing to salvage.

Does he make your life better?
Do you communicate well and understand each other?
Does being with him make you happier, feel safer, have more fun, share life's burdens?

Maybe it's just me (and my circle of friends etc) but a relationship where the couple argue frequently and the man gets so angry he often shouts at the woman doesn't sound like something positive.

It’s an argument

thats a two way thing

why is he shouting? He may be a utter nasty person or he may be responding to someone who has pushed him to his limits and then turns on the tear which makes most people more angry and can come across as emotional blackmail

we can’t judge here but given this is a repeating pattern for OP , the counselling idea sounds sensible to me.

Yanbu.

It is abusive.
He is now mocking you.

It should tell you that it is time to end things.

I hope you don't have children with him.
Because that makes shouting at you, emotionally abusive for them.

Take this seriously.

@Ghostessgirl THIS 💯

None of those people will be in the habit of crying to get their own way which is how OP comes across to me - not saying deliberately, expect it’s learnt behaviour

You what now?

The accusation that a man is pushed to shouting by an argument and that his eoman unfairly “turns on the waterworks” to get her way is just shockingly misogynistic and doesn’t reflect the reality of women’s lives in abusive relationships

I am a therapist and have given couples counseling and I would not reccomend that a woman with a trauma history go into couple’s counseling with an abusive and disrespectful husband such as she describes. He knows perfectly well he is using her past abusive relationship to cow her and to terrify her—she has told him so—but he pretends he can’t help himself and must continue to take his irritation out on her. Can’t you see this is textbook abuser logic?

I can’t remember ever having a shouting match with any partner ever. Yes arguments, and voices might be raised, but shouting? I associate that with the red mist and have definitely shouted at my kids when they were young (and I wish I had been able to control it better). But that h continues to shout when you are in distress like that? That’s abuse. Does he yell at his boss like that? His parents?
Seriously you should not have to put up with this.

Does he shout at his boss, or someone he respects? Is he able to control his "anger" in everyday living?

Yes - then its just you that he doesnt respect, its just you that he doesnt control his anger for, and he does it because he knows the impact. He knows you'll crumble, because if your past. He knows its frightens you, and youll cave and give in.

Get out. End the relationship and leave this horrible man.

I’m sorry Op. I agree, I couldn’t be with a man that shouts at me, then mocks me when I’ve explained why it’s an issue/past abuse.

Maybe some people wouldn’t mind this if they were shouters too. But it’s not how I want to live my day to day. I think you can argue and still be respectful in how you speak to people.

there was a point up the thread that nails it - does he shout at his friends or work colleagues etc? If not he clearly can control himself

good luck x