AIBU to expect no shouting during arguments with my partner?

[Ghostessgirl]

DP thinks I’m U as I’ve asked him not to shout at me during arguments.

Im extremely over sensitive and hate being shouted at. I just freeze, can’t think of what to say and start crying. I hate this, it makes me feel weak. I had an extremely abusive relationship in my early 20s and I wonder if it stems from that.

Each time we have an argument, I’ve shared with him after about my past and how it’s affected me. Each time he apologises, says he’s working on his anger and that he will try and not shout. Next time he always does.

Now hes started saying “sticks and stones, grow up” if I mention it. He says he can’t control it, and that I’m controlling him by asking him to stop.

He doesn’t stop once he’s started either, I’ll be standing there with tears streaming down my face and he just carries on. Not a flinch of stopping.

I’m worried the neighbours can hear him. At the moment he’s giving up smoking (cigarettes) and so he says he can’t help the shouting.

aibu to think that you don’t need to shout in an argument and you CAN control it?

No, OP, you're not unreasonable at all. I freeze if a man raises his voice at me, it's absolutely a trauma response. My DH knows and does not raise his voice around me at all. It's not exactly a hardship, is it, to not do the thing that you know terrifies the person you're meant to love.

He is (as a presumably larger and stronger human) shouting at her until she cries. He is aware that this triggers a post traumatic response for her. When she then reminds him or shows distress he mocks her and calls her weak. He wouldn’t shout at her like this in front of other people.

It’s abusive behaviour, regardless.

You have tried, but you are incompatible. Time to end the relationship, there is nothing wrong with being single.

Yes, he can control it. But how often do you argue? Are you generally happy? It’s not normal to have so many angry arguments with a partner.

Yes this sounds abusive.

There are people who can have more shouty relationships and it’s ok- I have an Italian friend who conducts quite a lot of her relationship in a shout (“WHERE ARE MY FUCKING SHOES?” “WHERE YOU FUCKING LEFT THEM!”) and everyone is perfectly happy and wouldn’t consider themselves to have had a row at all- it’s just a higher octane communication style. Wouldn’t work for me but works for them.

This isn't what’s happening for you. He is shouting in anger during rows, knowing it upsets you, and then mocking you for being upset. Time to end the relationship.

He’s an aggressive bully. And it is abuse, because he does it to cow you into silence.

In 30 years, my husband has never shouted at me, nor vice versa. What a hideous environment to live in. And why are you arguing so much? That’s not normal either. I’d be making plans to separate.

I have been with my husband and we have never argued. Not even close. And he would never ever shout at me. Why? He respects me and we talk like adults. You deserve so much better.

There’s two issues here- the shouting, but also the fact he is trying to upset you during an argument. Shouting in your face while you sob is appalling behaviour. It shows he wants to make you feel worse, rather than him simply get his point across and not being able to do it quietly.

I have never shouted during a disagreement as an adult. Likewise, I have never tried to deliberately upset or hurt my partner during an argument. They might be upset by the point I’m making, but I’ve never sought to intentionally hurt them or insult them. And if I see they are upset, I try to reassure them or suggest we pause to calm down. Yet so many of my friends have arguments with their partners full of name calling, deliberately trying to hurt each other and saying the most hurtful things they can think of. It’s vile behaviour, imo, and a bigger red flag than the shouting.

I can’t deal with shouting either, I grew up in an abusive home with an angry shouty stepdad so I just don’t stand for it at all. I never raise my voice and don’t expect it in return.

You have made it clear you don’t like it, he initially promised to stop but now just mocks you when you bring it up. He isn’t going to change, he’s a dickhead.

Sorry OP. This man does not appear to like you.

People do get loud and animated when arguing as emotions will be running high

tbh there’s nothing more inflammatory than shushing someone or tell them to be quiet it’s quite passive aggressive which will make the situation worse

This is highly unusual. Most healthy couples have arguments. I agree that arguing every day, or in a way that makes one party upset, is a sign something is not quite right, but 4 disagreements in 25 years is the other end of the unusual spectrum.

op, it sounds like you have different conflict management styles. Only you can say if it’s more and in LTB territory. I’m going to be super honest - if someone started crying every time we were having a disagreement that would annoy me. Maybe you both need to work on moderating behaviours - he to stop shouting and learn to communicate and you to deal with whatever is making you so sensitive to conflict. Neither position is healthy and together it doesn’t seem likely to work long term.

I don’t shout in arguments and I won’t be shouted at either.

There is a world of difference between the odd argument that results in raised voices and shouting and a pattern of behaviour where every conflict or disagreement results in you being shouted at aggressively and belittled , the latter is abusive behaviour and is done to shut you up, invalidate your feelings or perspective and ultimately will result in you feeling controlled by his moods and outbursts and walking around on eggshells - I wouldnt bother with counselling with him but for yourself - as you have previously been in an abusive relationship your mind is uncertain about what is acceptable behaviour but your body is telling you to get out of there so listen to it xxx

What are the arguments about? Are they frequent? Of course he can control his shouting, he just chooses not to!

I grew up in quite a shouty household and it's stressful and anxiety inducing. Have been married now for 36 years and my DH and I don't shout at each other, we do disagree occasionally but calmly and will discuss it rather than argue.

The MRAs have called and would like their handmaiden back.

He can control his shouting like she can control her crying -which will fan the flames in any argument.

OP admits coming from an abusive environment and I wonder if she is prone to this - for example if she doesn’t know how to manage a disagreement and always ends up in an argument . Then the shouting and crying seems inevitable. Totally human. We are not robots or AI

i have many disagreements with DH. Not arguments though. What is turning a disagreement into an argument? You need to be able to disagree without arguing

that might mean “oh I didn’t think that can I think about this “ and stepping away for a while

or “sorry but this is very important to me , can i explain why?”

or even “sorry i am tired and this is clearly more important or nuanced than i realised , can we talk later ?”

I am sure the hive will have many good approaches

If you genuinely think a man shouting at a woman while she sobs is acceptable behaviour, you need to have a good look at the relationships you have in your own life.

Op, he is abusive. Leave.

I agree. I've been with DH for 39 years and he's never shouted at me, nor me at him. You can "argue" calmly and respectfully, which is what we do if we disagree.

I came from a family household where blazing rows, throwing things, etc was "normal" and I wanted no part of that when I left home and escaped that horrible atmosphere. I just can't do with the being nasty one minute and then nice the next, the being on pins all the time, etc. No way would I accept a relationship like that. I ditched my first serious boyfriend the first time he shouted at me during an argument - he didn't get the chance to "not do it again" and I was adamant not to give him the opportunity for it to happen again! I've always been like that in my adult life "one strike and you're out!" - life's too short to put up with anything like that.

No. Run. Get away from this man.

🚩

If you have been in an abusive relationship before you know abusers aren't abusive 24/7. But someone yelling at you when you are crying is NOT OK.

I wish I was there when he did it and I'd punch him in the face.

@Longtimelurker1980

This is highly unusual. Most healthy couples have arguments. I agree that arguing every day, or in a way that makes one party upset, is a sign something is not quite right, but 4 disagreements in 25 years is the other end of the unusual spectrum.

You can have disagreements without shouting, abuse, etc. Me and DH have had lots of disagreements over our 39 years but not a single one involved shouting, abuse, slamming doors, throwing things, or any other kind of aggressive behaviour. All were calmly and rationally discussed and compromises made without drama.

Whatever you're arguing over, its not kind or reasonable of him to shout at you especially knowing it upsets you and you're crying. Honestly, I'm kinder to random strangers than he is to you

But what he is doing to you is abuse. Very much so.

It can be hard to unlearn something like raiding your voice, and I’d have been prepared to give that some time.

But shouting at you, while you have tears streaming down your face is abuse, pure and simple. Leave the bastard.

First poster nails it.