AIBU to expect no shouting during arguments with my partner?

[Ghostessgirl]

DP thinks I’m U as I’ve asked him not to shout at me during arguments.

Im extremely over sensitive and hate being shouted at. I just freeze, can’t think of what to say and start crying. I hate this, it makes me feel weak. I had an extremely abusive relationship in my early 20s and I wonder if it stems from that.

Each time we have an argument, I’ve shared with him after about my past and how it’s affected me. Each time he apologises, says he’s working on his anger and that he will try and not shout. Next time he always does.

Now hes started saying “sticks and stones, grow up” if I mention it. He says he can’t control it, and that I’m controlling him by asking him to stop.

He doesn’t stop once he’s started either, I’ll be standing there with tears streaming down my face and he just carries on. Not a flinch of stopping.

I’m worried the neighbours can hear him. At the moment he’s giving up smoking (cigarettes) and so he says he can’t help the shouting.

aibu to think that you don’t need to shout in an argument and you CAN control it?

Yep. This is the answer. He can control it- he just doesn't want to.

You do indeed deserve better, and it seems he may have to learn that the hard way.

This ^

He can control it and chooses not to = leave
He actually cannot control it = leave as no one can live with someone like that
Or he needs to seek help to address this uncontrollable behaviour. Take calming meds .

I don’t normally do this but sadly this is a LTB case. Shouting is a form of abuse, plain and simple, even worse that you’ve explained your feelings about it and your past experiences multiple times. I’d be telling him that he either stops, or relationship is over.

As someone who experienced a lot of shouting in my childhood, I have a red line about shouting now. One shout, one warning. The next incident of shouting, that person is not in my life. Is there any reason you can’t leave @Ghostessgirl? Sometimes you need a police officer in this situation.

The relationship sounds horrible. You are so young why are you settling?

Now hes started saying “sticks and stones, grow up” if I mention it. He says he can’t control it, and that I’m controlling him by asking him to stop
So he is a bully and a cock?

I guarantee he will be able to control the shouting when the police turn up.

He says he can’t change. Believe him and leave
highlighting this.

He is not the man for you.

Some people might be fine with a shouty relationship, but if you're not then you are really not.

I have never been in that sort of relationship and simply couldn't tolerate it. If he can't or won't control his temper then time to say goodbye.

I know there are people who believe a good row will "clear the air" and think it is an OK way to go on. Well if it works for everyone in the relationship, fair enough. But if you hate that then you are not compatible. Don't try to change him, just bin him.

It sounds that way,

Just wanted to say I have absolutely no idea how that giphy thing got on to my recent message. I did not intentionally do that

I had an extremely abusive relationship in my early 20s
You are in another one. Get out and do the Freedom Programme otherwise the chances are you'll end up in a third abusive relationship.

Stop labelling yourself over sensitive. You’re not.

I would reconsider explaining your past to him and telling him how his abuse is effecting you. He knows the effect it’s having on you. That’s why he does it.

There are no magic conversations, tone of voice,or phrases that will make him stop. He will only stop when he no longer has access to you. I would call the police next time he abuses you.

I'm older than you OP, and out the other side. I can now reflect on two broken marriages, both exH were emotionally abusive, shouted so much they looked like their blood vessels would burst; the marriages ended for different reasons, however I had 'experience' by husband #2. The day her called me a cunt was the day we split (it was my house so easy in that respect). Funnily enough he was the 'nicer' of the two. I can not tell you how much joy I feel these days, spending all day, every day, living alone, with my two dogs. I look back and can't believe what I put up with, trying to create and retain 'the perfect family'. I was, and am worth so much more, and so are you. Be your own best friend for a while - it works wonders for your self esteem and mental health. And trust your gut-it is never wrong.

So would I. No chance I’d be explaining my past or talking about anger management or counselling or crying.

Don’t tell men how you feel and over share past experiences to make them understand - they will always use it against you at some point

This is true.

Sorry OP but you are in another abusive relationship. He CAN help shouting, of course he can. He’s doing it on purpose to shut you up and “win” the argument. He’s trying to control you. It suits his agenda to have you scared of him.

Dump him.

Wow well to be honest my DH and I shout sometimes. We shout at each other , the kids sometimes too. Most of my close friends have had the odd shouting match with their partners too and have shouted at their kids.

We are all fairly middle class.

So I don’t recognise LTB because of shouting to be honest. There’s a difference between abuse and the odd shouty argument imo. I can’t believe some people say they never argue or shout….to me that signals something wrong, like they’re too similar or just don’t care!

Sometimes emotions run really high, be it frustration, anger that people do shout during an argument. If only we all sat down calmly and spoke 100%, but that's not really the norm for many and a shout will happen now and then.

But if you're being shouted at while in a really awful emotional state and he can't react according to see someone he is supposed to love curled up crying, then he's not the man for you. That's awful, truly awful. Could you imagine having a child with this man? If he can't control any of his shouting with you then why would anyone think he'd be in control when faced with a naughty child?

I know there are families and couples like yours, Startin, but I can't get my head around how you 'find your way back' after a shouting match.

I'm in a relationship with a shouter, but am edging my way out as I find it so detrimental to everything that should characterise a relationship: trust and respect, for starters. OP, like your DP, he feels the expectation that he doesn't shout is hampering his 'expression' and that I am either controlling or too sensitive. He's firmly in the 'a good row clears the air' camp but doesn't see how it impacts others. His shouting face is easily the scariest thing I've seen. It's gross. And it's definitely true about it being a choice: you should have the best version of your partner, not some let-it-all-hang-out, bring-your-whole-short-fused-self-to-romantic-partnership edition.

I've never shouted at another adult (and I definitely don't shout at my DC) -it doesn't mean I've not negotiated plenty of disagreements. You're absolutely within your rights to expect not to be shouted at.

Op needs to split up pronto. No need to put up with that. Massive red flags all over it.

I will not tolerate shouting in my home. It is my safe space and there is no room for aggression of any kind. My home is peaceful, when we disagree we still communicate with respect.
Life is so damn short, you don’t have to put up with anything you don’t want to.

Does he or would he do it in public? In front of your friends and family?

No? Well there is your answer.

Im assuming he is bigger and stronger than you? Is it ok for someone bigger and stronger to scare someone smaller and weaker? No.

Its abusive.

Would you continue to shout if the other person wasn’t, looked frightened and was crying?