To think this is enough DH is?

[Burntoutandsevered]

I think I've had enough.

DH and I have been married ten years. He's not a bad person. But I'm not sure we're good for each other. I think we've come to the end of the road. We have a 8yr old DD.

It's hard to explain. I'm so sick of being unseen. Of everything I say being minimised and disregarded, and everything he says being gospel. I'm sick of his opinion having moral weight and significance, and mine being an emotional, silly response. I'm sick of him being tight and controlling the purse strings, but splurging on things he thinks are worthwhile. I'm sick of him being seen as the good guy because he's calm and measured and handsome. And me being seen as the problem because I'm gobby and impulsive and overweight.

Some examples. DS and TV/gaming. What hours he can spend watching and playing are strict and regularly reviewed at DHs instigation. But if I'm not here, or its something he also wants to play/watch, the rules go out of the window. If I don't uphold them I'm failing or not towing the line.

We don't have loads of money. I've improved my career prospects and earning potential in the last 10 years. DH has gone backwards in earnings but does something he loves. We can't have foreign holidays, dinners out, or buy DS new clothes /shoes DH deems unnecessary. That's irresponsible. But we can buy him a VERY expensive new bike, because bikes are an investment. We both pay the vast majority of our wages into the joint account. If DS needs something DH deems unworthy, I'll buy it from 'my' money. If DH has to supplement our monthly Outgoings with his savings, we 'owe his account' x amount.

DH plays music, in every room and every car, ALL the time. He has quite niche tastes. If me or DS don't want to listen to his choice, we're ridiculed or eyes are rolled. If DS and I want to listen to radio 1 on a car journey and sing along to a chart hit, we're unreasonable because DH doesn't like it.

It's my birthday soon. For his (admittedly big) recent birthday we threw a huge party. I catered for 50. We had 8 people stay over, despite a small house, the weekend before my new job started. I raised our plans to go away for the weekend for my birthday. He brought up a work trip away which means we can't. It's my first birthday without either of my parents. Nothing will happen to mark it. He has three trips away with work / friends between now and then all of which he's planned meticulously.

These aren't good examples. I don't know. I just know I've spent years trying to walk a line that means everyone's needs get met at the cost of my own. And now I'm fucking sick of it.

He works away sometimes. I used to miss him. Now I can't wait until he's gone.

How did it get to this? This is just who he is, right? Am I unreasonable to feel like this? How do others make it work?

Burntout. You are not being treated as a wife here you are being treated as staff. Your relationship is dead in the water, no point in trying as he will never change. Do you want your son to learn how to be the man your husband is? Because that is what is happening. Get copies of all the paperwork you need , start looking for somewhere else to live. Do you have a good friend you can trust with a couple of boxes of paperwork and other important or sentimental bits that you would hate to leave behind? Get a new place ready and move out whilst he is on one of his weekends away. You deserve so much better than what he is.

I’ve just come off shift where I’ve had to listen to hours of someone else’s shite music… I thought of this post. I absolutely could not bear someone else’s music choice every living moment in the house & the car.
I enjoy the silence here in the house sometimes, it’s calming. I enjoy screeching along to music when there’s just me in the car.
I love music, all types … but other people’s choice shoved at me night and day, in my own space - Hell No!
Why does his choice trump yours? So rude!
I retire in a few weeks - and one of the pleasures of that will be not having to listen to somebody’s bloody music for hours!!

I've got one like this, been together over 20 years. Also good looking, but he doesn't bother with friendships or music. Doesn't dream or appear to have a soul, tbh. Utterly charming to everyone except me.

For various reasons, I felt I couldn't leave. So I just fought fire with fire. He would constantly take long involved work calls in the car, forcing me to listen to them, until one day I just told him never to do it again. Went through a phase of constantly clearing his throat, but never in public, so he could control it when he wanted. I asked him nicely not to do it many times and he just shut me down, so eventually I told him straight he either stops or moves out. He stopped. I was so scathing about his lack of thoughtfulness with gifts and birthdays that he largely changed his ways.

I no longer bother with asking nicely about things, because he won't listen. I just tell him. In your case I would simply turn off his music, tell him I no longer wanted to listen to it, and if it was so important to him he could wear earphones. Don't put up with it. Ask yourself if any reasonable person would do such and such, and if the answer is no, then make it clear you won't tolerate it from him. Force him to live life on equal terms.

You have a great insight and I think you know this is wrong. Even if you do leave him you don't have to leave today and can start to make plans and put financial things in place. Separate most of your finances. Joint for bills but he can't use it for his treats.
My husband grew up in a house like this in the 80s. His dad ruled and dictated everything. He wasn't allowed to watch ITV, only classical music could be played etc. His dad wasn't a nice person outside the house so had no friends himself. It has left a huge mark on my husband and sister.
You need to recognise this is narcissistic behaviour and at some point getting out is the only way. Good luck x

@Anonyanonay I'm interested in the not dreaming thing you mentioned. My ex used to say he didn't dream. What does that signify?

I'm in process of doing same. I'm done. So, so done. I'm ready to go if I need to. So I just tell him straight, don't care about the reaction if he's treating me like a skivvy or dumping all the work on me. I've stopped paying for everything and going extra several miles for him constantly. He can at least treat me as an equal partner if he wants to keep the marriage and all that I bring to the table. I'm not accepting less than that now. The worse he treats me the more I drop in things I do.
I'm just standing up for myself. He doesn't like it when I do but he can make the choice to keep marriage or finish it. I love him dearly and don't want it to end because we can be so good together. But I'm not his verbal punchbag or skivvy.
But OP u need to be planned and have ur ducks in a row to be able to take that stance and mean it.
Don't threaten him and tell him. That just lets him get prepared.

You thinking they're not good examples suggests you've been manipulated to think this is normal. It's not, those examples demonstrate he is selfish and controlling.
If you want to leave him go for it. Go and enjoy the freedom to have fun with your DC and treat them to nice things. It sounds like you and DC could be much happier without him.

I'm going to raise the abusive label. He calls you mental and irrational? Because you want some boundaries and he's illogical, reviewing ds's gaming time but rules go out the window when he wants to game? I think what you did was brilliant, telling him you'll co-parent, but I'd go further and properly separate. Start with finances, get a new account and your wages paid into it then buy what you want, don't finance his stupid expensive bikes etc.

As others have said, sorting the finances comes first.

BUT - hold your fire. To mix metaphors, you have already shown your cards and set alarm bells ringing in his head.
If he is the type to try and hide assets in a divorce (and he probably is that type), he will be getting on with that now. So you need to get ahead of him.
DON'T mention the 'divorce' word, not yet. Let him think you had a hormonal moment and it will all blow over. Try to act 'normal' for the next few days.

You need to find as much evidence as you can, as soon as you can. All his bank and savings accounts, any other investments he has, his pension documents, and receipts for any really expensive purchases made in the last few years, like cars, watches, etc.

Then, when you have done your digging and got as much evidence as you can find, that is the time to start making changes.
At that time, sort the joint account: get your salary paid into your own current account if it is not already. Look at all the household bills and work out what your half is. Pay only that amount into the joint account. Then whenever DS needs something buying, go to him with the cost and ask him to transfer his half into the joint account.
It will be a faff, but until you actually move out of the house, it may be more convenient to keep the joint account.

Alternatively, if you want to be truly "separated and sharing a house like flat mates", i.e. make yourself a separate "household" for Universal Credit, you need to close the joint account or get your name taken off it, cancel the direct debits, cut all financial ties, and just pay your half of bills as they come in. Move into a spare bedroom or sleep in the sitting room. Empty all your clothes and stuff from 'his' bedroom. Set up separate kitchen cupboards for you both and do separate food shopping.
You can also claim maintenance from him whilst living in the same house, as long as you are a separate 'household'.

So it's simply his way or no way. There are much less reasons to leave than that. You'll be much happier alone and in control of your own destiny. Make the break, he's not a nice person.

Well I think you were extremely generous, I don't know whether it will make you happy. but clearly things were so awful that something had to change.
I would now stop putting your salary into the joint account, just enough to cover house bills etc. he can then not benefit from your income for his own personal use.

He has not been loving, supportive, or caring. So what he gets out of your marriage is a housekeeper anyway.
You don't kiss the housekeep er Good Night

Move your salary to a seperate account.
Strictly 50/50.
Keep careful notes.
Start communicating via text so you have a record.
Can you move to your own bedroom.

He's not vile, but he isn't a good man.

He is selfish, controlling and financially abusing you.
He is manipulative.

Hold the line.
We are here for you.

You are clearly a convenience.
Stop laundry, cooking, shopping.
Watch your money.
You need to get advice from a domestic abuse organisation.

He has been gaslighting you with words like irrational.
This is what abusive men do to cause women to doubt themselves.

This marriage suits him, not you.

His attitude with money is financially abusive, make no doubt about that.

Start taking notes of historic incidents.

There is a whiff of Coercive control, which is now a recognised crime.

Start educating yourself as this will strengthen your resolve.

@Burntoutandsevered sorry you are going through this 💐

My DH was like this and it’s led to 30 years of resentment- although now the DC are adults it’s less obvious - and we do get on very well but I think it’s because I didn’t do anything about it at the time.

Some examples- never been to a parents night, never took the DC to any of their sporting activities (I used to be the only mum at football along with 20 dads), switched off my music and put on his, downplayed by achievements, gave his dead beat mates money while not allowing me to buy my DD the prom dress she wanted.

Everyone thought he was the best guy ever and I ended up with a massive drink problem. I’ve started therapy and there’s definitely an element of self loathing in my problems (disclaimer- I also experienced CSA so it wasn’t just his behaviour).

I wish I’d left about 20 years ago. We get on great now (always did) and life is great on paper (apart from my drinking). But huge damage was done.

So I’d leave now before your self esteem is completely eroded.

Good luck.

A thousand times this OP. Do not think that he will be reasonable now. He has had a decade to be reasonable. His behaviour is likely to ramp up, make these changes today, and tell him you need to sit down and go through any savings accounts to split them equally.

'How do others make it work?'

We don't. Not with a cluster fuck like your DH.

Divorce him. Your work is done. Be free. He will be like this until his dying breath.

not allowing me to buy my DD the prom dress she wanted

This is so sad and cruel - I am glad you’re in a better place now

Massive well done OP on the ultimatum. It doesn't actually sound like he likes or respects you, he sees himself as the boss and you a lowly employee to control. My advice before I read your last post was to suggest just dropping the rope, don't discuss things with him, don't seek his opinion, centre yourself and your needs for now.

I think it's definitely worth moving forward with separation while DS is younger as the residence split will be decided while he's still young rather than a teen who can decide for himself and he's more likely to carry on as a teen with the status quo imo. I would also try not to worry too much about DS adoring "fun Dad" - he gets to be fun dad because you're around carrying things and helping that dynamic along. It may not be the case here but sometimes kids "adore" the parent whose love/care feels more transient. It's a type of fawning.

I remember the joy of being able to listen to Heart radio instead of old 70’s stuff and heavy metal after we split. The tension in the house went down completely after he’d gone.

Amen!

You sound as patronising and dismissive as the OPs DH.

@Burntoutandsevered over the years his behaviour towards you has eroded your self worth and confidence in your own judgements and abilities.

keep your boundaries, he will see what he has lost. The fact you've "said it like it is" will be a shock to him because he has never rating your value as a life partner. He has always put himself at the top of your household "food chain" and you at the bottom.

Too late will be the cry!

You come across as an articulate, thoughtful woman. Whatever you decide to do, please find some way to foster your own sense of self-esteem. You are worthy. Many of us on here are hearing you and rooting for you. Women are expected to carry SO much, often without so much as a by-your-leave. Good luck with your decisions.

It's hard to explain. I'm so sick of being unseen. Of everything I say being minimised and disregarded, and everything he says being gospel. I'm sick of his opinion having moral weight and significance, and mine being an emotional, silly response. I'm sick of him being tight and controlling the purse strings, but splurging on things he thinks are worthwhile. I'm sick of him being seen as the good guy because he's calm and measured and handsome. And me being seen as the problem because I'm gobby and impulsive and overweight.

You didnt need all the examples. This is enough. You dont have to justify why you've had enough, ehy hes a shit husband, why you want out. Its enough that youve had enough and want out.

Leave the relationship. End the marriage. Start living your life.

I’d check what he actually earns….doesn’t fit with 3 trips away.

His focus today will be on how this will negatively affect HIM.

He WILL try and be the victim.

I think it would benefit you to speak to Women's aid about the financial abuse.

When my friend did and had it confirmed, she told friends and family that she was divorcing for that reason.
She spelt out a few things and they were all genuinely horrified.
Her Ex husband did not like the label at all.
Like all abusers they hate the light being shown on their behaviour.