To think this is enough DH is?

[Burntoutandsevered]

I think I've had enough.

DH and I have been married ten years. He's not a bad person. But I'm not sure we're good for each other. I think we've come to the end of the road. We have a 8yr old DD.

It's hard to explain. I'm so sick of being unseen. Of everything I say being minimised and disregarded, and everything he says being gospel. I'm sick of his opinion having moral weight and significance, and mine being an emotional, silly response. I'm sick of him being tight and controlling the purse strings, but splurging on things he thinks are worthwhile. I'm sick of him being seen as the good guy because he's calm and measured and handsome. And me being seen as the problem because I'm gobby and impulsive and overweight.

Some examples. DS and TV/gaming. What hours he can spend watching and playing are strict and regularly reviewed at DHs instigation. But if I'm not here, or its something he also wants to play/watch, the rules go out of the window. If I don't uphold them I'm failing or not towing the line.

We don't have loads of money. I've improved my career prospects and earning potential in the last 10 years. DH has gone backwards in earnings but does something he loves. We can't have foreign holidays, dinners out, or buy DS new clothes /shoes DH deems unnecessary. That's irresponsible. But we can buy him a VERY expensive new bike, because bikes are an investment. We both pay the vast majority of our wages into the joint account. If DS needs something DH deems unworthy, I'll buy it from 'my' money. If DH has to supplement our monthly Outgoings with his savings, we 'owe his account' x amount.

DH plays music, in every room and every car, ALL the time. He has quite niche tastes. If me or DS don't want to listen to his choice, we're ridiculed or eyes are rolled. If DS and I want to listen to radio 1 on a car journey and sing along to a chart hit, we're unreasonable because DH doesn't like it.

It's my birthday soon. For his (admittedly big) recent birthday we threw a huge party. I catered for 50. We had 8 people stay over, despite a small house, the weekend before my new job started. I raised our plans to go away for the weekend for my birthday. He brought up a work trip away which means we can't. It's my first birthday without either of my parents. Nothing will happen to mark it. He has three trips away with work / friends between now and then all of which he's planned meticulously.

These aren't good examples. I don't know. I just know I've spent years trying to walk a line that means everyone's needs get met at the cost of my own. And now I'm fucking sick of it.

He works away sometimes. I used to miss him. Now I can't wait until he's gone.

How did it get to this? This is just who he is, right? Am I unreasonable to feel like this? How do others make it work?

He sounds a lot like my ex. Not keen on buying school shoes, very keen on huge cars. Self centered narcissism is incredibly difficult to deal with because they just luxuriate in their own magnificence. You are the problem because, well, it can't possibly be them can it? He won't change, as he gets older he will become worse. Make a plan.

He’s very controlling. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like that?

You “make it work” by just putting up and shutting up OP. But why would you want to do that?

He sounds like he’s acting out his own parents life, and getting away with it.

You can leave for absolutely any reason - just not being happy is completely reason enough!

He sounds very selfish- you aren’t convinced he is really ‘on your side’ or ‘your true partner’ - it reads as if you don’t really trust him to have your back. Which is a death knell for a relationship imo and it sounds like this has been created by his own behaviour…

good luck going forward. You could speak to a counselor to help you get some clarity over what to do xxx

Listing out the numbers concisely. Maybe writing a simple list.

Number of birthday parties H has had - number W has had.
Number of trips with friends.
Number of hours of chosen music played in house.

Just put it on the fridge and leave it there. Or text him it.

If he says its trivial and youre overreacting or being emotional etc, say YES it is trivial, flip it back on him. if its trivial or irrelevant you wont mind making it equal then.

You said that the more you do for him the less he respects you. So do less for him. Do you wash his clothes? Stop doing that. Get a washing basket just for your own clothes and wash those only. If DS is a child (not 14-16) have a basket just for DS and do his too. But empahtically not Hs. Dont announce it or have a row. Just do it. If he says cant you just do it flip it on him, if laundry is so easy, and its petty not to do it, you wont mind doing your own then, stop making a big deal out of washing.

Pull back in all areas. Let him carry the weight of everything youve been doing for him and putting up with. Flip every excuse back on him. Every word he has used to keep you in your box flip it back on him. Detach.

@Burntoutandsevered So he let you be the one to say things out loud. Because by his actions he has shown that he doesn't respect you which has led to you stopping to respect yourself. I truly believe you will be happier without him. And don't worry about custody, this selfish man will go for the minimum to preserve his free time.

You and your DS sound like bit part actors in the movie of his life, not people with your own agency, wants and needs. He is financially controlling, doesn’t attend to your emotional needs, and prioritises self interest above the needs of the family.

If you don’t want to leave (yet) prioritise yourself and your DS - buy the thing, arrange to go away for a weekend, treat yourself generously on your birthday. Take a leaf out of Miley Cyrus’ book - buy yourself flowers, take yourself dancing.

That’s gaslighting.

I think you should read (listen to) It’s Not You by Dr Ramani and check her out on You Tube. See if things fit. If they do then you will get more clarity and you’ll be able to make your best decisions.

What you've said won't make a difference; he won't change. A divorce is a solution

Let me guess - everyone outside of the home thinks is a charming delight ?

He sounds like such a Little Big Man. Tinpot dictator in his own home. From your description, he sounds unbearable. Does he have any redeeming qualities?

Well done.

Stop doing things for him. Stop easing the way for him. Continue to parent. Use this new energy to figure out what you want. What you enjoy. Find yourself. Be kind to yourself. Love yourself.

You have one life. Leave him and be you, live your life doing things that make you happy. Sure your DS will thank you for it rather than be upset and angry as when kids reach their teen years, this behaviour becomes apparent. My friends DD (13) is desperate for her mum to leave her dad!

Stop making sacrifices for him. Stop losing and erasing yourself for him. You can’t do anything about the way others view him. When someone does respect you or feels you are there to serve, trying harder just makes them respect you less. If you are going to continue to have a joint pot, you need to have joint say in how it is used. He doesn’t get to take from the joint pot or from you for his own spends unless you take the same. You get to decide what DS should have from the joint pot. Maybe do as pp suggested and put decisions in writing.

He sounds like a twat
But more importantly it sounds like you are trying to justify your feelings. You don't have to. You can't leave for whatever reason you like. And if life feels better without him than with him, that's really the only reason you need. Xx

Sorry @Burntoutandsevered not had time to read the whole thread but....
At end of day he prioritises himself over his dc and you.

That is not a good partner nor dad, id be gone with my child, youll be be so much happier

I think you need to tell him why youve come to this conclusion so he is quite clear its his actions or lack of them that has meant youve checked out or it becomes your fault In his eyes

Am I unreasonable to feel like this? How do others make it work?

Divorce

He's very controlling.

Financial abuse is a thing.

If he wants to save the marriage he will stop being so selfish and put his wife and child first. If he can’t then yes I would split. By putting down this line you have effectively told him he’s not good enough, that won’t fit into his image of a great man. It will be interesting to see how he responds.

Blimey @Burntoutandsevered you have the patience of a saint!

He won't change. It's good you've expressed your feelings.

Yes ds may want to be at fun dad's more often if you spilt but he'll soon wise up. Plus he won't be as controlled about music etc with you.

You'll feel so free once you escape this awful life.

*CAN leave. Sorry

I suspect he will get nasty. I hope not. But I have a slight suspicion he may fit the profile for communal narcissistic traits. Her pointing out he isn’t good enough might set his defences off and she will somehow be in the wrong/not good enough.

Ir he’s just a decent bloke who’s fallen into enjoying the trappings of living in a patriarchy and will realise and adjust.

The confusion is caused because it's an act to everyone else to show how great he is. The real him is at home with you and your son. You are already seeing that which is why you feel like this. I would start carving out a separate life without him. Do more things for yourself if you cant face leaving yet. Take yourself off to another room. Get a hobby you like do more self love.