To think this is enough DH is?

[Burntoutandsevered]

I think I've had enough.

DH and I have been married ten years. He's not a bad person. But I'm not sure we're good for each other. I think we've come to the end of the road. We have a 8yr old DD.

It's hard to explain. I'm so sick of being unseen. Of everything I say being minimised and disregarded, and everything he says being gospel. I'm sick of his opinion having moral weight and significance, and mine being an emotional, silly response. I'm sick of him being tight and controlling the purse strings, but splurging on things he thinks are worthwhile. I'm sick of him being seen as the good guy because he's calm and measured and handsome. And me being seen as the problem because I'm gobby and impulsive and overweight.

Some examples. DS and TV/gaming. What hours he can spend watching and playing are strict and regularly reviewed at DHs instigation. But if I'm not here, or its something he also wants to play/watch, the rules go out of the window. If I don't uphold them I'm failing or not towing the line.

We don't have loads of money. I've improved my career prospects and earning potential in the last 10 years. DH has gone backwards in earnings but does something he loves. We can't have foreign holidays, dinners out, or buy DS new clothes /shoes DH deems unnecessary. That's irresponsible. But we can buy him a VERY expensive new bike, because bikes are an investment. We both pay the vast majority of our wages into the joint account. If DS needs something DH deems unworthy, I'll buy it from 'my' money. If DH has to supplement our monthly Outgoings with his savings, we 'owe his account' x amount.

DH plays music, in every room and every car, ALL the time. He has quite niche tastes. If me or DS don't want to listen to his choice, we're ridiculed or eyes are rolled. If DS and I want to listen to radio 1 on a car journey and sing along to a chart hit, we're unreasonable because DH doesn't like it.

It's my birthday soon. For his (admittedly big) recent birthday we threw a huge party. I catered for 50. We had 8 people stay over, despite a small house, the weekend before my new job started. I raised our plans to go away for the weekend for my birthday. He brought up a work trip away which means we can't. It's my first birthday without either of my parents. Nothing will happen to mark it. He has three trips away with work / friends between now and then all of which he's planned meticulously.

These aren't good examples. I don't know. I just know I've spent years trying to walk a line that means everyone's needs get met at the cost of my own. And now I'm fucking sick of it.

He works away sometimes. I used to miss him. Now I can't wait until he's gone.

How did it get to this? This is just who he is, right? Am I unreasonable to feel like this? How do others make it work?

the more effort I put in the less respect he has.

Very typical. He believes you are putting in all the effort because he has deserved it, his behaviour is being awarded so why change?
He is a selfish man who prioritises himself over his wife and child. Yes, as you have noted, he has no respect for you - his opinon and your 'mental' opinion. It does not sound like he adds anything positive to your life? That's no way to spend the rest of your days.

We function well as two people bringing up an ace human. Let's just do that. Nothing will actually change. We'll just be more honest about it".

Well done for saying something, and I know it's only the opening to a longer conversation that will inevitably end things, but he doesn't function well as a parent, even if DS loves this fun dad persona. He's a selfish shit who inflicts his music, rules, moods and tastes on you both and any dad who minimises and dismisses the mum the way you've described is not a good functional parent. Obviously you have to make it work for the time being, but keep in mind the whole picture you've described (very well, the examples were all telling) - it's about way more than intimacy, it's love and money and respect, listening to you and being an actual partner, which he seems incapable of. So you're right to draw the line and good luck with the next steps. Hold firm and know your worth.

You can’t make someone a decent, unselfish person by communicating. The examples the OP has given are clear choices to be selfish and inconsiderate not carelessness or not understanding.

Yes if only she just told him what he wanted he’d change his total personality and outlook on life.

The moment anyone, let alone my husband, eye-rolled me I’d be off. You only get one life OP. Use it wisely.

This relationship sounds so miserable for you, could you go away for your birthday just you and your son? (You’d probably enjoy it more without dh there) also I’d like to know his response to that given that he has plans to go away with his friends, would he object to that? Tbh I used to be with someone like this and It was horrible, get rid of him and watch how your mood lifts instantly

Just end it, what's the point?

This is a red flag for emotional abuse. Abusers will try to convince you you're crazy/too emotional/too much or whatever, to wear you down and fit their narrative.

He sounds incredibly selfish and controlling, I'd also question financial abuse.. why is he having the final say on purchases for your son? What would happen if you ignored him and done things to suit you/your son.

I think the fact you're questioning it, is that you know deep down this isn't right .

Good for you OP

Fuck that shit, life is too short. Teach your son about what healthy relationships look like

You should still go away with your DS for your birthday, and pay for it from the joint account (presumably his birthday party was also paid for jointly). Just because he deprioritises you doesn’t mean you should do the same.

How did it get to this? This is just who he is, right? Am I unreasonable to feel like this? How do others make it work?

It came to this because, despite the persona he promotes, he's inherently a selfish person.

Yes, this is just who he is.

No, you're not unreasonable to feel like this.

I had one like this and tried and tried to make it work over more than 30yrs together. Nothing I did worked and he never changed. Eventually I found the courage to leave him and life was so much nicer afterwards.

Yeah, just file for divorce.

Have you been to couple's therapy? You really should have before now, but now is better than never. Even if you are done it will let you know that, and that you at least worked through things and everything that needs to be said has been.

You don't have to stay married and you really don't need a single BIG reason to leave. You sound very unhappy and it doesn't seem like this is a recent change or something your H has any interest in changing. Leaving will give you back your independance and full control over the remote (a silly representation of your own autonomy). You can try and get him to go to therapy with you to see if that will get him to see and change but if he won't do that you don't have to go on being unhappy - you can leave.

I left my husband because he made me miserable. Nothing big, just made me unhappy. I had a 7 year old daughter. We divorced, she was sad for a bit and then adapted fine. 8 years on I remarried a few months ago and am very happy.

I don't think people like your DH can change. He sounds just so selfish and mean. Your son can't have shoes, but he spends very generously on himself (bike is not a bloody investment! Is it making money?).

This, with bells on. Because that's what happened to me in almost exactly the same dynamic (except he wasn't tricky with money, but OMG ,did he splurge on his "investments") ,especially in regard to his disregard for me in the latter years. My opinions ,likes or dislikes counted for nothing so long as I was there to be housekeeper and a nanny to our kids and look after them whilst he went on numerous lads trips. Once the kids finished school I was out. Surplus to requirements.

In the final decade my weight crept up as my self confidence went down. I'm now in the process of rebuilding my life after a 30+ year relationship. I'm in my fifties, massively overweight, and so full of regret, resentment and self doubt that I am really struggling with what should be a relief from all of that. Meanwhile, he has done the classic thing of getting a much younger girlfriend and is happy as a pig in shit. A textbook outcome that, if I was really being truly cynical, I'd say he planned.

I find it interesting that you can see this now whilst you are still in it. I was very much blinded by the person that I thought everyone else saw - good looking, clever, fun, generous - despite knowing deep down that the other stuff was going on. It's only since we split I've seen the full picture.

Please don't be me. Get out now and reclaim your life.

PS - don't assume everyone thinks the sun shines out of his rear end. It's been revelatory what some of our mutual friends have said about my ex now I'm not with him.

Good on you. Now, sort out your financial situation asap, because let me tell you, that's the first thing he will be getting on with doing today after that chat last night. Do not snooze on this.

Regardless of everything else, the fact that you feel deficient in his presence jumped out to me. That is an excellent reason not to remain married to someone.

Just seen your last update from last night - well done! My ex looked "sad" too but I got the feeling that when I finally called it (we went through months of me trying to make it work and him not trying because apparently he was in denial, according to him) he was internally punching the air coz I'd had the balls to do what he never had the courage to.

How are you this morning?

Now that you've been honest, Stop following the rules. Stop trying. Do what you want to do, I hope it brings you some joy. He has contempt for you, and that is the number 1 marriage killer.

This, you and your DS deserve to be treated better than this, just think how happier your life could be without your 'D'H in it

I see a lot of similarities with my ex.

Both my DC have missed out on sports/hobbies because XH didn't want anything on a weekend that would encroach on family time. This continued even after divorce. Finally, aged 15, a new club of the type DC2 had wanted to go to since about age 8 opened on one of my regular weekdays of our 50/50 schedule. They are loving it!

DC1 would have loved to join a sports club but, even as a teenager when they could have got public transport, they were too concerned about doing something XH didn't support (because they visited his parents on a Sunday) to go for it. Now one of the things DC1 is looking forward to about leaving for uni (!) is that they can join a sports club.

Your 'D'H sounds worse than my ex, OP. You don't even fully realise the strain it puts you under until you get out and feel the weight lift.

Last night he was taken unawares, he may well have plenty to say today. He seems the type to get nasty at least verbally so prepare yourself for that. Be prepared for him to bring up seeing other women, taking ds away from you and anything else he can use to hurt you.
Do you have a spare room you can move into?

op, please sort your finances asap and if you feel like it was, update us. Theres a lot of support for you. And I bet others see him more clearly than you think.

He's self-preoccupied, controlling and emotionally immature. Thinks the world revolves around him and others don't have opinions,needs and feelings of their own. Set and maintian your boundaries.