AIBU to worry my retired parents never want to go out?

[Bluebell12378]

My parents are in late 60s / early 70s. Retired with a good pension, mortgage paid off and recently got a decent sum of inheritance. They are still fit and well with good health. And living comfortably financially.

But they don’t DO anything. They don’t go on holidays or trips away anymore. They don’t go for evenings out or even meals out. They just seem to sit at home doing the same routine day in and day out. Occasionally they might see friends (once a month maybe?). They will usually come out with me and my kids if we invite them somewhere. But apart from that they just sit at home.

Even when we do invite them out or over to ours, I can’t help but feel they are anxiously waiting to leave and go home. We will only ever see them for a couple of hours at a time and then they make their excuses and leave. They NEVER invite us anywhere or suggest doing anything with the grandkids, unless it’s to come to their house for a meal.

Up until a few years ago they did used to go on holidays and go out a bit more. I used to socialise and do fun things with my Mum a lot too (spa days, shopping, theatre). I don’t really understand what has happened to make it stop. If me or DH hint at asking if they’re planning to go away or have anything planned they get all funny and defensive. Or use their dog as an excuse for not being able to go out.

is this normal as you enter later years of life? Could they genuinely happy and content just staying home all the time?. I can’t help but feel they are wasting the last healthy years of their life.

In comparison my similarly aged in-laws are the complete opposite. Always going out to the theatre, gigs, cinema, restaurants, going on trips and holidays. Really making the most of life and retirement! They love doing fun activities with the grandkids too like swimming etc.

cancel the cheque!

My recently widowed friend has just bought herself a camper van and is setting off for Northumberland (with the cat).

And when you say ‘ heard’… is this in the same way that some people ‘ hear’ that Jesus wants them, particularly, for his very own super special SunBeam?

probably

I was widowed some 15 years ago and my sib a while before that. No we are not merry murderesses just unlucky. Its a good job I wasn't looking for a replacement spouse among my kids because I have none. My sib leads a busy life too. Neither of us take holidays.

🤣🤣

You made me laugh!!

Can't remember which poster said they'd adopted an 8 year old dog but that's lovely.

Lucky dog. Enjoy ❤️

I'm late 60s and I sing in 2 choirs (so, weekly rehearsals and regular concerts) plus social activities connected with them. I do an art class once a week with friends all year round - and social meet-ups connected with that.

I go away for weekends with my husband and adult children frequently - but they're always quiet affairs. The most adventurous was a trip to Bruges in the spring.

I love my home, I love reading, doing paintings, listening to Radio 3, cooking and even housework. I love seeing friends for lunch and coffee and very occasional evening things...very occasional...I don't 'do' evenings nowadays unless I have my arm twisted. We do have parties several times a year, but I prefer daytime things. I can't do late nights these days.

I can't be bothered with foreign travel any more, I hate going out in the evenings, I don't like driving long distances especially in the dark. Other than that, I love my life and am always busy. I have lots of great friends and don't want for anything.

Other people are welcome to globe-trot, paint the town red in the evenings if they want, but I don't want. As long as I and my husband have our health, that's all that matters to us. We know how to have a good time in our own way, and sod anyone who thinks we should live our lives differently.

I am baffled by some of the angry responses here….

Some of you sound as though you really hate your families.

I’ve cared for two relatives for over ten years with dementia. Sadly, I know a lot about it, and the first thought that popped into my head on reading the opening post was sense of dread for the OP. It’s really common in early dementia to change the way you live, and stay home more. Many carers of parents with dementia will say that looking back this was one of the very first signs.

I agree. There are some wild and angry responses. I’m not sure why you are getting such a rough time of it. It’s clear your post was posted with genuine care for your parents and naturally being curious about what might be the cause of their change in habits.

We just wouldn’t want our family telling us how to live!!!

That’s really great. But if you aren’t going off in a camper van with your spouse, you are even less likely to be the type to do it when your spouse is gone.

The OP is simply bewildered about her parents change in habits. That is not the same as telling them how to live. Why are you so angry?

Surely it's just what they want to do, you work hard for a long time if after that you just want to relax that's up to them. Some people want to be off out doing everything and others don't.

Or

Speaking personally I am not angry. I'd be angry if I was personally the subject of such concern. I do though reserve the same right as every other member of mumsnet to, within the rules, comment on posts using the words and tone of typing that I choose.

I don't think the OP sounds bewildered. I think she is comparing her parents with her inlaws and her husband is banging on about why her parents don't do more.
When you hear abour what her parents actually do, they lead quite normal lives.

"They do quite nice things at home. The TV usually only goes on in the evening and they seem to spend the day walking the dog (although usually the same local route), cleaning, gardening, pottering, reading etc. Very house proud."
I don't see any sign of dementia there and if the OP was concerned about this, as others have said, why leave the kids there and even offer car seats?

....but its not the life that the OP (or more likely her husband) thinks they should lead

"I suppose I just find it hard to imagine myself living happily like that...
...Could they genuinely happy and content just staying home all the time?. I can’t help but feel they are wasting the last healthy years of their life."

the Covid point is interesting. I have seem quite a few people on here saying how much they enjoyed the lockdown. They liked the slower pace of life, more time to try new hobbies and to learn new things....and not all (? many) of them were old. Its entirely possible that the OP's parents found the same thing...that some of what they were doing pre covid, they emphatically did not miss?
I'd say that she isn't going as far as saying "Mum you must do this" but there are things she has said that she wants them to do and considers their choice of lifestyle to be "a waste" How would you feel if someone close to you thought your chosen lifestyle was a waste?

love it!

I'd hate my family if they judged my chosen lifestyle to be "a waste"

I think it’s different if they are content and occupied. Problem is a lot of people aren’t. My in laws were quite clearly bored a lot of the time, their place was tiny, they had no garden, MIL wouldn’t go out for days. When FIL died my BIL/SIL pushed her to do things but by then it was a decade too late, she was also incredibly unfit.

I’d be ok with it really. My dad used to tell me all the time that I was wasting my life in bed when I was a teen. I knew he just meant it from a place of love and wanting me to experience more things at that stage in my life. It didn’t make me angry. And I didn’t hate him for giving my a lecture. His favourite phrase was ‘people die in bed!’ When I refused to get up or leave the house 😂 It’s quite normal for people to
question certain things at certain times in life if they aren’t in that stage of life themselves.

In terms of walking the dogs and gardening etc not being a sign of dementia. I’m not sure you really understand how dementia first presents itself. And that’s to be expected if you haven’t been up close and personal as the primary carer to a person with dementia for many years but it’s absolutely the case that many people start to live quitee lives than they did before, and for many that absolutely does mean keeping the gardening, reading, baking and dog walking going, but gradually dropping the more sociable activities. The really strong point that stands out about the OP’s post is the CHANGE to this more inward way of life. It certainly can be dementia on the horizon. I left my children with a parent when they started to live quieter lives because at that point in time I had no idea it was dementia and for many years an individual with dementia is perfectly safe and there are no other risk factors. Dementia is known as the long goodbye because its progression is often like the slow dripping of a tap. There are many people living with early stage dementia able to line very normal lives. But the earliest stages can often show as a slight peak in anxiety, just a little less enthusiastic to go out and see your friends. You don’t act like a raving lunatic overnight.

Yes I have been up close and personal and I really do understand the many ways that dementia first presents itself. not only have I cared for people in my own family, I was an NHS senior clinician specialising in elderly community care for most of my working life. Its ok don't apologise.

I’m sorry but I don’t think I do have anything to apologise for. I just spent the last 5 years telling senior clinicians, neurologists, care workers and nursing staff that my mother has dementia. Begging them to listen and asking for a brain scan.They all told me I was wrong. For years. Until the scan came back last year and showed raging vascular dementia, Alzheimer’s and extensive small vessel damage in her brain, and the message that her brain has been breaking down for around a decade. I also had many family members telling me for years I was wrong. Funnily enough, they’d quote things like you just have, eg telling me she was fine because she could still read a book or walk the dog. So my point is - OP has a right to be concerned about her own parents. I was too and no one would listen to me and everyone ‘hated’ me. Yet I’m the one who has done all the care. I wish you peace and less anger. I’m off this thread now. OP - hope you get less vitriol.

I’m getting a bit like this now at 56! I still
work full time from home, but apart from going to the gym and walking, I’m quite happy at home. In general my energy levels are much lower than a decade ago and I like peace and quiet. For me it’s just part of getting older. Can’t wait to retire!