AIBU to worry my retired parents never want to go out?

[Bluebell12378]

My parents are in late 60s / early 70s. Retired with a good pension, mortgage paid off and recently got a decent sum of inheritance. They are still fit and well with good health. And living comfortably financially.

But they don’t DO anything. They don’t go on holidays or trips away anymore. They don’t go for evenings out or even meals out. They just seem to sit at home doing the same routine day in and day out. Occasionally they might see friends (once a month maybe?). They will usually come out with me and my kids if we invite them somewhere. But apart from that they just sit at home.

Even when we do invite them out or over to ours, I can’t help but feel they are anxiously waiting to leave and go home. We will only ever see them for a couple of hours at a time and then they make their excuses and leave. They NEVER invite us anywhere or suggest doing anything with the grandkids, unless it’s to come to their house for a meal.

Up until a few years ago they did used to go on holidays and go out a bit more. I used to socialise and do fun things with my Mum a lot too (spa days, shopping, theatre). I don’t really understand what has happened to make it stop. If me or DH hint at asking if they’re planning to go away or have anything planned they get all funny and defensive. Or use their dog as an excuse for not being able to go out.

is this normal as you enter later years of life? Could they genuinely happy and content just staying home all the time?. I can’t help but feel they are wasting the last healthy years of their life.

In comparison my similarly aged in-laws are the complete opposite. Always going out to the theatre, gigs, cinema, restaurants, going on trips and holidays. Really making the most of life and retirement! They love doing fun activities with the grandkids too like swimming etc.

@UniquePinkSwan

what do you do when at home? I would get so bored not going out for a full weekend

and i said "could" too...... so maybe I am not the one who needs to learn to read.

can't speak for Unique Pink Swan but I spent most of it in the garden The growth is getting out of hand,so I had a shedload of cutting back and deadheading to do. I had about 50 trees and shrubs that I am growing on that needed repotting, prep for the upcoming hose ban, the lawn to mow and my (small) forest edge area to strim.

I think what I mind about this thread (not angry but I am allowed to voice an opinion no?) is the judgementalism of it.
"I can’t help but feel they are wasting the last healthy years of their life."

"If me or DH hint at asking if they’re planning to go away or have anything planned they get all funny and defensive."

Or use their dog as an excuse for not being able to go out.

and the immediate catastrophisation
"maybe they are ill and can't tell you"
"maybe they are broke"
"get them checked for dementia" (what? without their permission or agreement?"

then the OP actually admits that they do do things.....just not as much as she thinks they should.

Yes, maybe you are right.

I apologise OP.
But I think your parents are probably well and happy, and winding down from a lifetime of work and stress.
I don't think you need to take much notice of the comments referring to eg. dementia, overspending, incontinence worries, given you describe them as able to do so many things, including take care of small children for whole days, garden, dog walk, socialise with friends, and they have a history of managing their financial affairs.
My own dcs find it very hard to accept that we are late 60s and no longer want to eg. fly often (I really think unnecessary airflight should be rationed, it's doing the planet no good at all). They also compare us to inlaws who fly off half a dozen times a year for holidays.
Personally, having lost healthy friends in their 40s and 50s to aggressive cancers and RTAs, I think we are lucky to have got so far with nothing more than the usual aging and the label of having become 'boring.'

I'm 57 and feel pretty much broken in terms of energy. It's all I can do to keep daily life going and get dinner on the table. Give me another ten years and I'll probably be at home all the time. My parents used to irritate me by not doing more stuff with their grandchildren, but I get it now.

I reckon that the saying "comparison is the thief of joy" doesn't only apply to comparing one's own life with others. It strikes me that the OP might be less worried 1. If her husband didn't bang on about it and 2. If her inlaws weren't living such a different life, not that I am suggesting that they shouldn't.

My in-laws were like that. Never leaving the house other than to go to Sainsburys for the weekly shop and never having any visitors other than us. They seemed pretty happy with their life so we left them to it. Unfortunately, 5 years ago, my MIL died and now FIL just sits alone in a big old empty house. Because they never did anything for so many years they forgot how to socialise and how to do things, and pretty much how to exist in the outside world, and now FIL is on his own, he just can't do anything at all. He can't cope if we visit for more than an hour or so, won't have anyone else there, can't drive any more, and won't leave the house even with one of the family (we now do online shopping for him). It's sad and he's incredibly lonely and despite not really needing to, he's now asked if he can go into a care home.
Obviously, it's entirely up to your parents what they do with their lives, but if they cut off all ties to the outside world, it becomes very lonely, overwhelming, and frightening when one of them is left on their own.

is there a reason why he can't go if he wants to? I mean he wouldn't be alone anymore. It would be my idea of hell but it suits some people wonderfully well. "Needs to" is a bit subjective?

Yes, let him go. My MIL moved into a care home after a similar situation. It was amazing how she took to being with people her own age and no house care worries. She blossomed. They did tea dances and she used to get dressed up.

Are you sure they are both well and healthy? Sometimes this happens when one or the other is ill, or is struggling cognitively and they retreat to mask it, or because its easier to cope at home.

Ok then. I’ve realised that we older quiet peeps are going to have to fess up, just to placate all those that are soo concerned about our quietude.

The truth is we are all into Tantra now and are spending everyday practising esoteric sexual methods, with our partners or alone, and tapping into endless orgasmic bliss. It’s preoccupying, and we didn’t want to shock you, so we said we were gardening. There’s a huge network of us and we contact via the ether, obviously some contact other ways too.
we’re sex people.

Will that keep y’all off our backs?
No more nagging ok? Let’s keep this discreet.

This wasn't necessary. You've just destroyed the last refuge of the cloistered and incontinent. Next you will tell them that we only have one dog (named The Dog) that we pass round between us to ward off nuisance catastrophisers.

I'm 71, couldn't bear the life your parents are living, but if they're happy the only thing I'd worry about is whether their bodies and minds are withering through an unstimulating routine. That is, are they working out at home (I do, it's entirely possible) as muscles are important at this kind of age, are they reading/learning a language/instrument or otherwise using their brains (use it or lose it maxim). If the answer to both questions is yes, don't worry. If it's no, try to have a quiet but understanding word but don't push it. On the other hand, don't feel you need to step up for the care burden. I am absolutely doing my best to ensure I don't end up being a burden to my daughter and I've told her that if I get dementia she's to find a home and shove me in. To my mind, our generation needs to support yours, not the opposite.

Let him. Why shouldn't he, his house, his money and he'd have companionship, and someone always on hand if he unwell or falls etc. Not a bad plan.

I use the barking dog recording :)

you just broke the first rule of sex club.

there's no point even worrying about that unless the OP is going to force them to take action at gunpoint

Yep. What else have you said? Have you told them about Watering The Neighbours Garden? Or The Duolingo Alternative?

'Withering'
That's a good word. You don't hear 'withering' used much these days. 'To wither' seems to have almost withered away, except in those stands outside supermarkets full of mass produced begonias and the like.

The sedge is withered from the lake and no pangolins sing

PangolinFriend how do you manage to persist in your sprightly unwitheredness? Are you a secret member of JoaNiic s private club?

He can well afford to go in a care home and we will look into it for him, but he has no intention of going there to interact with anyone. He had to go into one for a few months after an operation a couple of years ago, but he never left his room, never spoke to any of the other residents or the staff and didn’t want any visitors other than us for 15 minutes max. He told us he just wants his meals brought to him 3 times a day. He is lonely, but has completely lost the ability to talk to people or interact with anyone. That was the point of my post. If people are insular for too long, they can find it very hard to re-integrate into society, even when they might want to deep down.

getting back to the thread, anyone else enjoy a good palely loiter?

We have no plans to stop him if that’s what he wants, but he has said he only wants to go to one to have his meals brought to his room 3 times a day. He’s told us he has no intention of “making friends with the natives” as he put it. The point of my post was that when people are insular for too long, it can be very hard to start interacting with people again. Believe me, we have tried everything to help him over the years, but some people don’t want to, or literally can’t, be helped.

The cocktail? Or the elderly golden retriever that won't walk? Or the thing you do standing on one leg?