AIBU to worry my retired parents never want to go out?

[Bluebell12378]

My parents are in late 60s / early 70s. Retired with a good pension, mortgage paid off and recently got a decent sum of inheritance. They are still fit and well with good health. And living comfortably financially.

But they don’t DO anything. They don’t go on holidays or trips away anymore. They don’t go for evenings out or even meals out. They just seem to sit at home doing the same routine day in and day out. Occasionally they might see friends (once a month maybe?). They will usually come out with me and my kids if we invite them somewhere. But apart from that they just sit at home.

Even when we do invite them out or over to ours, I can’t help but feel they are anxiously waiting to leave and go home. We will only ever see them for a couple of hours at a time and then they make their excuses and leave. They NEVER invite us anywhere or suggest doing anything with the grandkids, unless it’s to come to their house for a meal.

Up until a few years ago they did used to go on holidays and go out a bit more. I used to socialise and do fun things with my Mum a lot too (spa days, shopping, theatre). I don’t really understand what has happened to make it stop. If me or DH hint at asking if they’re planning to go away or have anything planned they get all funny and defensive. Or use their dog as an excuse for not being able to go out.

is this normal as you enter later years of life? Could they genuinely happy and content just staying home all the time?. I can’t help but feel they are wasting the last healthy years of their life.

In comparison my similarly aged in-laws are the complete opposite. Always going out to the theatre, gigs, cinema, restaurants, going on trips and holidays. Really making the most of life and retirement! They love doing fun activities with the grandkids too like swimming etc.

I can't do the leg thing anymore and I always take a cocktail on dog walks

That was a long lunch hour. I must get back to wasting the last healthy years of my life. I'm editing the dullest piece of prose.

(The Paley Loiter sounds like a David Austin rose).

Well said.

I had parents like this. You’ll find it is all absolutely fine, until one of them dies. Then, overnight, you will be expected to be replacement spouse. You’ll be their entertainment, their PA, their everything. Be warned. If you have parents who have nothing but themselves and live a life inside, you are lined up to prop them up the minute one is left on their own.

I would worry about this as my ILs went a bit like this - stopped visting other relations a couple of hours away and never seemed to go anywhere other than Tesco or do more than daily hoovering and laundry while both were in good health. In retrospect this and declining visitors was actually the start of alzheimers in one and other health issues in the other (crashed the car a couple of times).
If they are still getting exercise and fresh air walking and gardening I would be a bit less worried though.

This. I'd much rather be sat in my beautiful garden.😁

Too hot to sit outside at mine, even in the shade. later though i will go out and watch the bats.

Wow, that's lovely. I must be a bit further north than you. We've got a nice cool breeze. 😀

Wow @Carandache18 ! Between you, @Zov and @godmum56 I think you've started a revolution. So funny reading your sweary, angry, fuck-you posts. Sorry if it's not meant to be funny. I bow down to you all.

Limited? Or given them the perfect excuse they seek....

To be looking after two children you have to be very physically and mentally active. Even one day a week - I used to look after my grandson twice a week when he was little, and always needed a bit of r and r the next day.

I don't understand why you're concerned - they walk their dog, and are obviously happy. I presume you aren't concerned about any cognitive decline, as you trust them to look after your children.

As for not taking them out, that's their choice really - we did take ours out, bounce and rhyme at the library, walks in the forest, but also he was happy to be at home in the garden, doing craft activities, and playing. It's an awesome responsibility, looking after grandchildren - and there are two of them - so it's understandable if they don't want to take them out.

We probably fall into your category of not doing much now - my husband volunteers a couple of days a week at a local cathedral, I drive to see my daughter and occasionally meet her in town. In the hols I tag along on day trips with the grandchildren, which I enjoy. But we enjoy our own company, at home - reading, gardening, walking, cooking (my husband anyway) watching tv in the evening. We've both had busy careers working up until retirement - I remember those days of feeling I'd done a days work before I dropped my daughter off at school in the morning - so hectic. So to be able to chill out in the garden on sunny days, reading and pottering is bliss.

Don't worry - they sound fine to me!

Limited - the last one, refusing to go in to hospital because who would have the dogs. She had cancer and her calcium levels were near death fatal. I had to move in with her dogs as she refused to consider any kennels etc, as it wasn’t fair on the dogs. She delayed going into hospital until I could get there the following day.

But even pre-cancer after her DH died she was also really lonely and couldn’t go and visit family etc because of the dogs.

Her husband missed their DGD wedding because it someone had to stay with the dogs. Don’t get me wrong, the prioritisation of the dogs wasn’t always typical, but it definitely put me off getting one too late in life

thank you. Any further south and I would be swimming.

thank you :) anybody can join our club. All you have to do is let adults of any age live the life they want to....and yes they are meant to be funny as well as angry because nose poke judgy people are funny as well as irritating.

In terms of you bowing…it’s an urge that arises around SClub members of some standing. I don’t actively encourage bowing, but I can afford a small wave and a smile if I’m not too ‘busy’. It tends to happen as I’m palely loitering with my ‘Labrador’, my neighbours are used to it and don’t give it much thought nowadays, they curtsy when they give me packages they have taken in for me, too. Sweet, really.

My Gran retired from teaching then went back after a year because she missed it so much. She did eventually have to retire for good because her neck was buggered and she couldn’t cope with bending down to the children’s level anymore. She then got part time jobs to keep busy like cleaning or sitting with people older than her to give relatives respite for a couple of hours. She’s also always been active in the synagogue so would go and help out there as much as possible. She couldn’t keep still.

Then Covid hit and she got severe anxiety about it, was convinced she’d die. She barely leaves the house still now. She will now let people in but she sanitises absolutely everything afterwards. She goes to synagogue once a week and the dentist / GP when required but that’s literally it. Can’t even persuade her to walk around the park next door. It’s very very sad.

For your parents I’d say it depends how they were pre-retirement. If they were once very active and now are at home constantly, that’s more worrying than people who have always preferred sitting around.

You are not being unreasonable to ASK them if they prefer being at home to going out or going away? You might be surprised by their answer.
You are being unreasonable to expect them to do what you think people of their age and financial circumstances should be doing

Maybe they are just done with busy places and crowds. Maybe they are in a period of just being home and in a year or two will go away travelling again.

They have worked hard, raised a family, own their own home, are financially independent and quite frankly can do whatever the hell they choose to do…or not do.

I agree with everything you said!!! And you really do have a beautiful garden!!!

You have a beautiful garden too!!!

I've heard making your world smaller as your parents have done is actually a very early sign of dementia.

We do holiday several times a year but we do like being at home and one of the reasons is ? Other people 😂 entitled people, screaming kids , busy places - just can't be arsed some of the time. We buy nice food to have at home. 🤷‍♀️

I agree with all your posts!! I don’t want ANYONE telling me how I SHOULD be living my life!!!

where did you hear it?

Have you???? Who told you that? Did you read it somewhere? Do you have early dementia in your family?
Do you remember Terry Pratchett? He didn't make his world smaller.

What's a salacious interest in other people's misfortunes an early sign of?

You'd better contact OP then, because she's letting these unfortunate early dementia sufferers take care of her 1 year old and her 2 year old together, in their own home, for a whole day every week. And she's quite prepared to let them drive the toddlers about at well, in fact she's offered to supply the car seats.
What do you think she'd better do?