Is this casual sexism or just outdated language from my husband?

[IsawwhatIsaw]

Apologies as I suspect this topic has been done to death on here..but I’m getting sick and tired of having to listen to some of the remarks my DH makes.
Some examples - we walk past a nice garden
his comment” He has made a good job of that”

issue with membership where I was told the woman had been having personal issues
“ her boss should have sorted that, why didn’t he? - with no indication of gender of boss.
He makes constant assumptions that men are in charge and
it’s getting me down . He is older than me, late 60s, retired.
And when I say something he just says he uses the term he/ man generically - as if it’s the 70s still.
not sure if I’m just getting less tolerant or he’s got worse.
this is casual sexism?

Yes, it’s casual sexism. Of course there are still some occupations which are still heavily dominated by one sex or the other but you’d have to have been living under a rock in a horticultural desert to be unaware that women do a lot of gardening, and assuming men are always in the driving seat (literal and metaphorical) shouldn’t have persisted into this century.

Most men suffer from casual sexism, its the way they are socialised and sex idealisation related to testosterone.

I am with Julie Bindel. All men should be put on an island and let out for visitations, at women's behest. Could be sex could be work related.

That way we could continue the human race without any bother.

The problem is that in cases lime this the only other option is 'they' and that is frowned upon to use that.

Not quite the same but I get annoyed at people who refer to all non-humans as 'him'. So, a bee, bird, butterfly, hedgehog, whatever all referred to as 'him'. DH's cousin used to do it all the time but I've now spent about 15 years saying 'Or her!' and he doesn't do it as much.

Then there are those who look at sheep or cows in a field and assume they're male when they're overwhelmingly female. In the olden days (late 80s) I worked on a Victorian museum farm as a dairy maid and one time when the cows were being brought in for milking I heard a man say 'Oh look, she's going to milk the bulls'. Errrr, I don't think so!

It is casual sexism and it does wear on one's nerves as time goes on. My parents, aunts and uncles, and in-laws are in their 70s and make similar remarks. This is despite me interjecting that it could be a woman in charge of whatever's being discussed; they seem to default back to assuming males in charge.

I think they're simply a product of a time when men were in charge of almost everything and that type of social conditioning is very hard to shake off. I know my relatives genuinely don't mean any harm by their remarks but it does get frustrating.

He is the default position, it's been around since the year dot. It is sexist and ingrained, perhaps you should try correcting him when he says it, and point out that it could be her who did the garden or her who's the boss. If he resists changing his default position then he'll be like most men, over a certain age for sure, a dyed in the wool sexists.

Is he meant to say 'him or her' every time because others are too fragile to appreciate that he might realise that the person is female but can't be bothered to say the extra words as it's totally unnecessary?

If this is something to be upset about then be pleased at how easy your life is.

Yes it is 100% sexism

That's what we have the famous 'they' for, until it got hijacked by the genderwangers and now means god knows what.

My dad does this. He commented recently that ‘Bob and Jane’s daughter has done really well. She’s become a very successful woman barrister’ … you’d never say their son is a ‘man barrister’ ffs.

Yes it's sexism.

The doctor, dentist, solicitor, or accountant are probably more likely to be female.

It is such a default that people don’t realise. Like the brain teaser about a car crash where the dad dies and the son goes to hospital. The surgeon says “I can’t operate that’s my son”. And people fail to realise the surgeon is the mum.

do keep correcting people who do this. It is the only solution.

Whether you want to call is casual sexism or internalised and unacknowledged misogyny it your choice.

But my DH would look at a garden and say ‘they’ve done a great job on that, did they do it themselves, do you think?’ He never assumes mangement are male - he is neary 58, senior in a FTSE100 company, a fierce defender of ALL staff’s rights to a work/home life balance so always ensures that anyone who needs to leave promptly for childcare commitments is prioritised in PM-timed departmental meetings. His immediate bosses and his current CFO are female though. And he wants both his 21yo DD and 18yo DS to live in a world where they are assessed and seen as the whole person, not as a representative of their sex.

As others have said in the past using they was I thought starting to take hold at a time when women could focus on casual sexism, as in assuming the default was male.

And I continue to use it in circumstance of it could be either a male or a female, because despite the onslaught by TRAs, mass media etc., I think the majority of the population do not think of or are even aware of the attempt by TRAs to take ownship of that as well.

I continue to do it as a commitment to challenge every day sexism.

Never forget it is only because of the entrenched sexism of MRAs that has existed for decades, centuries before TRAs, that TRAs are so sucessful.

It is afterall sexism that lets so may assume women do not have as much rights as men, so dont have the right to tell men they cant be women.

Those examples are precisely when “they” is grammatically correct to use. You don’t know the sex of the unknown person you are referring to, so you should use “they”. I will resolutely always use it in these sorts of circumstances because I won’t be forced out of it by people insisting on other uses of “they” in other circumstances where it doesn’t make any sense.

I would pull your husband up on it each and every time. If he claims that he’s using “he” generically then I would point out that this is also sexist and not a good reason to do it.

You should follow “Man who has it all” on Facebook for funny posts on this sort of topic.

Thank you for all the replies. I’ve been a long time lurker on this Board, now I’m a Poster.
i think it just feels tiring to keep correcting him and he is indignant when I raise it. Depressing somehow. And no, as someone pointed out, not the biggest problem ever. But it doesn’t feel pleasant.

I don't think it's ever sounded normal to say 'they' unless there's not really any other viable option, the genderwangs unwittingly did us a favour by highlighting how ridiculous it is

Calling a woman 'they' because she pretends she's not a woman is sexist

The one phrase I absolutely can't stand is "The Mrs". My husband would never call me that as it's factually incorrect, but it's just awful!!

I think it’s depressing because as you say he’s indignant about being pulled up on it, rather than recognising the sexism and trying to do better. It may be a small thing but it indicates that his foundational thinking is sexist. That would bother me in a relationship.

I tend to say him all the time, him for animals nearly always unless its definitely a she, my friend does it and it annoys me, she has 2 female dogs and my cat is female and she calls them all 'he'.

I always say he for another driver

Its not a he, its just a word meaning someone else.

Like I have a habit of saying 'down the road' when I could mean anything up to about 20 miles away.

I would never say they, even before all the gender wank.

@JoyousOpalLemur yes, I know. I don’t know why you feel the need to tell me that. I didn’t suggest that anyone should call a woman “they”.

That's a non sequitur, nobody said calling a women they, you use it when the person is unknown and you don't know their sex. Many man, like this husband automatically say him, if however you say they then you're not just assuming it's a male you're leaving it open to the possibility that's it's a female.

he is indignant when I raise it

And therein lies the problem, in my experience, which is just mine, not speaking for anyone else, for decades lots of men have resisted the simple unspoken request that they meet us halfway.

They sigh and made a big deal out the fact that they're being asked to change the mind set even a smidgeon.

Not all men, because we wouldn't have made the progress we have made, but there are still plenty of men who think such little things are women getting above themselves and are always nagging. They're the sexists.

In the 1970s it was common to refer to all boats and cars as 'she'. Does he do that too?