What's with assexualo suddenly being a thing?

[n0wayn0h0w]

My 14 year old DD has just come to me to say she's assexual. She goes to an all girls school and is worried she's never had a crush. She said she went online, watched some TikTok videos and now feels happy to know there's "nothing wrong" with her because she's assexual.

I told her she's never had a crush because the odds are she's into boys and never meets any so there's no opportunity for crushes. I told her some people get crushes on people they don't know, based on appearance but many need to know the person in order to feel attracted to them in that way.

I also said it's normal for teens to question who they are as they're growing up.

It's so insidious, children are out there looking for answers and the internet churns out labels for them.

Anyone got any advice on this?

I think you’ve taken the wrong approach with this by telling her (1) she’s probably heterosexual and (2) she isn’t allowed to participate in any social media groups about asexuality.

She will likely avoid talking to you about her sexuality or connected worries in future, and so more likely to be driven to online communities. You should backtrack and make it clear that she is the only person who can understand and define her own sexuality, and that the most important thing is for her to only have sex/relationships that she truly wants.

My niece at 14 told us all she was “pan” and over the years she’s moved to “lesbian” as she gets more comfortable with the fact she just doesn’t fancy men at all. But the pushback from her parents on the “pan” label (and insistence that she just hadn’t met the right boy) massively damaged their relationship.

Lovely. Good luck to your child, I suspect she'll need it.

absolutely no way is she allowed to participate in social media groups to talk about her sexuality. She's 14.

based on your username, I suspect your child needs a lot of luck too.

regarding hetero, I've told her (and my other children) many times that it's fine/ok/normal to be in a same sex couple... whenever it had come up over the years.

It’s very worth reconsidering. Not because she needs another label, but because understanding your differences can make a huge difference about how you feel about yourself.

Would you accept her saying she was gay/hetero at this age or would she also be too young for that?

agreed, and I'm going to speak with her about it. I'm ND myself and I like understanding that part of myself.

Yes, if she had crushes on girls I'd accept she was gay.

This generation are obsessed with labels and sex.

My Mum is 80, she told me a story about some of the girls in her student lodgings speculating about sex (because they knew nothing). One of them said 'I think once a year will be more than enough'. Mum said she knew that wasn't quite right but actually she knew very little. She'd had boyfriends but back then a lack of interest was considered normal and appropriate for nice unmarried girls. She was surprised how obsessed with sex our generation (X) were. And now that obsession has mutated and worked down to young teens who are giving themselves labels before they have reached sexual maturity. It's completely normal for children to not be interested in sex and the OP was right to tell her DD that. Particularly when you consider most of them will have been exposed to porn at a very young age. If as a child I'd seen videos of e.g. men strangling women and was told those were 'sexy videos' then I would have wanted to find a label that meant I didn't have to be part of that world either.

My teens are all about labels. I have to keep reminding them that all I want to know is do you have a significant other you want to invite to dinner so can book a correctly sized table. I remind them that I don't know how many of my family, friends or colleagues view themselves because it's not something that matters to our relationship.

Which was awful for my mental state and significantly contributed to my teenage suicidal ideation.

Maybe the serious mental health problems that lead to the suicidal ideation is what also caused your lack of sexual feelings as a teen. Depression is known to have an impact on libido.

My Mum is 80, she told me a story about some of the girls in her student lodgings speculating about sex (because they knew nothing). One of them said 'I think once a year will be more than enough'. Mum said she knew that wasn't quite right but actually she knew very little. She'd had boyfriends but back then a lack of interest was considered normal and appropriate for nice unmarried girls. She was surprised how obsessed with sex our generation (X) were.

80yos were teenagers of the '60s. They had the Summer of love, and hippies and free love. I'm sure most people weren't living the headlines, but I'm surprised they're surprised. (My mother, who was the same age, was a gymslip Mum in 1964, but she's no longer with us to ask what she thought about it all.)

You've got chicken and egg the wrong way round there. And it certainly doesn't explain why I'm still asexual!

DM, who was born in 1949, claimed nobody took drugs in the 60s. When I pointed out that this was obviously completely untrue, she said “well not in Yorkshire”.

So there were sheltered areas!

They definitely did in Southampton...

I don't see why it matters. She'll quite likely meet someone she likes when she's older and decide she isn't asexual, or else she won't and that's fine too. Either way no harm done.

Or she is just -wrong. I mean I'm sure some teens were more sheltered than others but people do tend to look at the old days w rose tinted spectacles and selective memories.

There was no unemployment, homelessness or juvenile delinquency in the 40s and 50s according to my MiL. 🙄

Yes, and I think it's important to say @SirChenjins that some people are born asexual and it's not something you choose or dip in and out of. Had a friend like that (all her life). Completely missed all the complexities of relationships but had a good career and a good, relatively stress-free life. Only time will tell if OP's DD is like that or not.

Seems to me quite normal for young teenage girls who haven't yet experienced attraction and find the idea of sex a bit alarming. That was definitely me at 14. I remember claiming to fancy the celebrities that my friends fancied, in order to fit in, while actually having no idea what the fuss was about. I was a fair bit older before I experienced sexual attraction to anyone.

I don't disagree with you - none of my posts have said otherwise. Your last sentence is key though - only time with tell, and at 14, it's too early to stick a label on it when so many children of that age don't have sexual or romantic feelings.

Exactly - yes, some people will be asexual, but 14 is far too young to know that. However young people at this age are seeking identity and nowadays there is a label for everything. It's fine as long as everyone acknowledges it may change.

I'd be saying "it's fine that that's how you feel right now, you're very young though and it may change when you're older. If it doesn't, that's also fine."

I could have labelled myself that at 14. But it wasn’t a ‘thing’ back in the 70s. My youngest was 27 before he had any relationship but now with a girl. My husband was 28. It’s simply they have met anyone who ‘floats their biat’

im so bloody glad all this nonsense wasn’t around when I was young.

I am asexual. It seems a bit insulting to say it is OK to be heterosexual or homosexual (for example) but that to be asexual is "nonsense". I do not see why asexual is somehow less valid as a sexuality or something that needs to be changed or fixed. There are definitely adults who never experienced sexual attraction or arousal and never had any inclination to have sex or masturbate. To tell those people that they are not really asexual seems wrong to me, I think they definitely do not need pressure put on them to be interested in sex if they are not. Of course, at what age you will know / be confident of your sexuality is a separate issue.

I don't think being asexual is nonsense. I think a giving someone the asexual label at 14 because they have had no childhood crushes is nonsense... and reductive.

and I definitely do not want to pressure my child into making her "interested in sex"... more like I think this lack of interest is normal for her age and doesn't warrant a label.

The problem is they don't need to go on groups devoted to sexuality or whatever, they find places to talk about novels or TV dramas and it all gets made a big deal of there. And it's a small step from obsessing over fictional characters' sexualties (which may not even have any real basis in the original work) to obsessing over their own.