AIBU not wanting to use my savings on the house whilst I’m a SAHM?

[Yogarunningcoffee]

Hi ladies, im looking for some views on this money situation

I am currently a SAHM to my children, and plan to go back to work part time once they start school. Before having my first, DH & I saved up a pot of money to see me through the years I was at home. I topped it up quite heavily by being extra careful with my spending whilst i was pregnant.

DH does give me an ‘allowance’ every month & about 99% of it goes on the children (classes, clothes etc). The pot of money I saved up is for things like having my hair coloured, buying presents, the occasional hen do. Basically anything miscellaneous that I can’t cover in my monthly budget. I’m a few years in and I have been very careful with it so admittedly haven’t really had to touch it.

Anyway, we are at the point with our house now where we could do with a few thousand pounds to really get it finished off with all the finishing touches.

DH thinks I should use my some of my savings towards this but I’m not sure I agree. The purpose of the money was for me to be able to have some of extra cash of my own especially as even when the kids are at school I’m realistically never going to be able to save up any money again as I wouldn’t be going back into the same sort of job / salary.

I’m also a bit hesitant as DH bought himself a something last year (not a car) that cost more than my whole pot of savings. So I sort of feel like Im being penalized a bit for being careful with my money.

IABU for not wanting to use my savings towards the house? Or am I being selfish when DH currently financially supports me?

An allowance ffs. Maybe you should try to rebalance this? I'm a SAHM and we treat all the money as OUR money. Maybe try to reassess the approach you're taking...

So he gets to spend his pot on himself ?!
and your pot goes on the house ?!!
Very unfair

The allowance thing is weird. You need to be pooling all money (or at least, most of it) while you aren't working.

Does he have all his own savings? Surely you can at least pay half potentially? Depending on the full view of finance

Tbf to my husband he has also spent a lot of his own money on the house as well. But it’s just the final bits he is suggesting I pay towards

He financially supports you? What would it cost to pay a nanny to look after HIS children and HIS house?

This.

Of you've mutually agreed for one parent to stay home and the other to work, the salary is "ours". You wouldn't feel so protective of your savings if you weren't living off less money than him.

You get an allowance to pay outfor dc? Are you separated and he paying you maintenance?
Dc costs should come out of family pot which is dh earnings if you have none
What about your pension?
Is that being paid into? 2880 a year or govt top up if you unemployed

But why is it 'his' and 'yours'? I don't necessarily care how couples split their finances (my DP and I don't pool all our money, but we earn about the same and pool a bunch of it), but that wouldn't be what we would do if one of us was earning way less than the other.

His income should be put into a joint account for you to use as and when you need it, none of this allowance nonsense!!
How do these men sleep at night knowing the mother of their child is scrimping and saving while they live it up?!

Pre giving up work, DH & I always had our own ‘spending money’ at the end of the month so the ‘allowance’ is a continuation of this really which I don’t have an issue with as it helps me budget and plan my month. The issue is using my savings towards things for the house.

But he's not budgeting or planning his month? So why should you? It just seems like he considers his work more valuable than you raising the children full time.

What "finishing touches" are you thinking about buying?

I think if you give us a loose, non-specific list, it would help with a more balanced response for you.

Except your ‘allowance’ is being spent on the kids.

assuming he also gets this - is it what funded his purchase? Because then it’s not spent on the kids.

@UncharteredWaters he used part of his bonus for the expensive purchase

Why on earth are purchases for the children coming out of YOUR allowance? The children belong to you both equally, any purchases for them should come out of joint money

Well, technically OPs DH does go to work and earn the money that he shares with OP.

If it's an extra toy or ice cream that's one thing.
If it's a new pair of shoes, that's different.

I think you need to agree that stuff for the children comes out of a joint account - how is it an allowance for you, if the money is for expenses that go towards your children?

Your husband wouldn't be able to "financially support you" if you weren't enabling his work by handling childcare.

The kind of set up that your husband seems to want is exactly why I would never give up my job - we both went part time when we had kids and were both able to progress in our careers once our kids went to school.

Instead of balancing the short term cost of childcare against the mother's salary (and if does seem to be only the mum's usually) people need to to think about the longer term impacts on both parents income potential and on pensions! And have a think about what the power balance in your relationship really is.

You need to recalculate the allowance - work out all your income, take away bills, food and essentials including stuff for the kids, savings, then split what you have left.

I’m a housewife and I think every women not working for what ever reason . Needs to have a healthy pot of money just in case and your husband should understand that .

What worked before you become a SAHM won't work now.
DH and I used to have separate accounts. As soon as I got pregnant, we changed to one completely joint. I was a SAHM for a bit and now I work PT. We agreed that as DH's profession will always pay more than mine,

Personally I think the 'allowance' is the issue. You are living of a single income. It should therefore be one pot and all expenses come out of it. Particularly child expenses. He could not work if you did not care for his children whilst he does so. It is joint money in my book, earned between the two of you.
I think I would say no, i'm not willing to use my savings on the house as long as this 'allowance' thing continues (and I would get back to work as soon as I could as I couldn't live like that). I am not earning money and I might need it.
If he is willing to move his income all to one pot and treat it as joint (including bonuses), I would offer to make accessible all the money over and above the amount he spent on his big purchase. This is on the basis you should not be penalized for being more careful with your savings that he was with his. You expect to need the money for your own (as yet unknown) big purchase.

Shouldn’t you have a joint account, where all normal bills, costs come out of (including costs in respect of children). Then have an equal amount for personal spends, and then another pot for savings (which would then cover costs for the extra bits for the house)

Tell him to jog on

Have we slipped back to the 1950s? I’d be very insulted if DH gave me an allowance while I looked after his children.
In a marriage, all money is shared money IMO, and it is under law too. It’s not just IMO.
That includes “your” savings too of course.

You need a sensible conversation about how much disposable money and savings you both have, and how best to spend and save for the good of the family.
Allowance my foot!