AIBU for wondering if I am too laid back as a parent

[Botheredd]

I worry that I am too laid back as a parent. My children are well adjusted etc and doing extremely well at school etc. I think what triggered this is one of my 5 year olds friends is coming for tea and his mum sent me a long list of things like be careful as he runs out in the road etc, watch him in the garden. I don’t think I would ever do that, I do think about him a lot and miss him but I don’t particularly worry, I just hope he is having a good time?

I think this is probably very happy parenting as long as your kids are safe!

I'm a laid back parent and probably too soft too but honestly I'm happy my child is happy he's well behaved and does well in school etc so stuff it, don't judge yourself we get enough judgment from other people as it is :)

I sound like the parent of the child who is coming to tea.

i would gladly swap my anxiety approach for your chilled one.

It sounds like she’s the one who struggles as a parent if she can’t stop her child running into the road at 5 years old?!

Maybe the other boy is neuro diverse, or the mum just knows what his behaviours are like so is giving you a heads up?

That's very weird when you have your own children. I'd actually find that pretty insulting, as that parent clearly doesn't trust you! I would never think to tell another parent how to look after my child.

Yes wasn’t sure how to take it but she did say please don’t think I’m being funny as I’m not. Her child is 6 and I find it worrying that he would run into the road.

All children are different - it's probably more about the child than the parenting approach. My youngest at 5 did not have an age-appropriate awareness of danger, so I would have had to flag things had I left him with another parent at that age as he wouldn't have behaved like their DC at all.

Some kids are bolters, my DBro was one and my DM wouldn't let him go on playdates as she was too embarrassed to tell others he may do a runner. I think he was 7 or 8 before he stopped.

Be grateful and happy for your easy going DC.

That is very odd. You said there was a long list what else was she worried about.

Just be glad that yours isn't an idiot like his friend!

I am laid back but I also have a child with profound SEN so I have to balance being laid back with vigilance - a weird combo. Generally I am happy for my kids to help themselves to the odd biscuit or piece of fruit, I don’t tend to lose my shit about things like running into the house with wet feet from the paddling pool or leaving wrappers around.

I am way more chill than my DH but he was raised in an abusive household. I think it’s a confidence thing. For example if it’s really hot and the kids are happy I will do a picky board of things they like for tea (they’ll have had school dinners for lunch) like grapes, salami, mini Cheddars etc etc and let them graze away. DH gets flustered by things like that and worries we are ‘not giving them proper dinner’ but, again, he lived in a genuinely neglectful household and I didn’t so feel pretty confident that the odd kiddie smorgasbord isnt going to trigger a social services visit.

Please don't be like that.

OP, as a mum of a bolter, despite my excellent parenting , please listen to her, and mean it when you say you will follow her advice. She will be trying her best to give her child normal play date experiences, despite all her fears and knowledge of his every day actions. It's nothing to do with misbehaviour. He may well be neuro diverse. Maybe invite her to stay for a coffee so she can see any potential likely issues he might have? Some kids are very independent and very inquisitive and adventurous, and it ain't easy. Kids are so, so different from each other, your experience will be nothing like hers.

This is unnecessarily rude.

She sounds like an anxious parent which must be really tough for her.

I’m always told I’m a very chilled mum and that my son is the same as a result of the vibe I give off. I think I’ve just got lucky with an “easy” child and that in turn makes me chilled out.

As long as your children are polite and well behaved (most of the time) I wouldn’t think too much into what type of parent you are.

This sounds great. We adjust our parenting style to our children.

Some children are runners so she is just making you aware that you need to be vigilant with her child - as long as you are able to take the necessary care with a different child you are not too laid back. Don’t ignore her though, this is not her fussing, it’s that she realises her child is harder work than others and is warning you.

Maybe her child is just different to yours. So you CAN relax a bit with yours, because your child won't run into the road etc., whereas the other parent HAS TO take all these precautions.

I currently have a 3 year old who is an absolute live wire. I often feel like people must think I'm a really anxious helicopter parent because I'm always standing over her, but the thing is, if I don't, she WILL make a run for it/climb the fence/go and play in the river/do some other crazy thing. (Her older sister was exactly the same at that age, and has now grown into quite a sensible 6 year old who I can relax a lot more with so I am confident the 3yo will grow out of it eventually, and that my "parenting style" (aka keeping them alive) is not causing any longterm damage). But some people really don't appreciate that different children are very different, and require very different parenting strategies.

I was at a big family gathering at the weekend, at a very isolated rural location, and I was absolutely agog that my SIL was able to lay her 3yo down for a nap outside the building we were in, under a tree, and trust that when he woke up he would come back indoors to find her. If I did that with my 3yo, she'd just piss off across the fields without even looking back. At one point this weekend, she gathered up all her beach stuff in a bucket and told the other kids she was heading off to find the beach. Luckily, I didn't take my eyes off her for more than a few seconds and so I was only a few yards behind her, otherwise she would've done it. Before that, I'd had all the other parents going "relax, she's fine!"

It doesn't sound like you are being too laid back. Most children at this age should be safe playing in a back garden without the parent watching them every second ,obviously if you have a pool or something then that would be different. Unfortunately not all children are like yours, some have no sense of danger. It sounds like she is just giving you a heads up, don't ignore her concerns

It wouldn’t occur to me to send a list of instructions to another parent like that, but I also wouldn’t send my young child to someone’s house if I didn’t think they would appropriately look after them in the first place. And I suppose I have two easy kids, they have their moments with us for sure but they would never run off at someone else’s house or misbehave there, same at school/nursery. I’m not sure I would want to be responsible for a child who is a flight risk though!

I am a pretty laid back parent and this was fine for my first 4 kids but number 5 is a whole different ball game! He is autistic, although not profoundly and although a lot better now can still bolt at times so I’m always on high alert with him. He just has no concept of danger no matter how much I try to instil it (without making him scared). He will go up to complete strangers and tell them his name and ask theirs and the proceed to tell them everything about himself.
sometimes it isn’t about the parenting but the child. Maybe she has observed you don’t need to be as alert with your child so is just making you aware.

If my kid was unaware of things like road danger I’d just say something like ‘oh he’s terrible for running into the road’. I do remember my teen stepson taking my five year old to the town centre and explaining to him that at five he has little awareness of danger so hold his hand crossing the street etc, but that’s because the boy was 16!
But a list about watching him in the garden etc? OTT. Helicopter parenting is not good, but one would expect another parent to know how to mind kids.
As for the posters who say ‘he may be ND’ etc - well then you just say so if that affects his self awareness but presumably she’d already know that.

Just to add, as PPs have said, absolutely DO NOT ignore this mum's concerns. YANBU about your child, but she is NBU about hers either. She's giving you a heads up because she knows her child is harder work than other children. And at that age, it's not necessarily about bad behaviour, 5 is still very young and some 5yos are just much younger developmentally than others. I was an au pair briefly for a 5 year old who still threw tantrums and would run off in the street... it seems he has grown into a perfectly nice and normal fully-functioning adult now.

Stealth boast OP.

Not all children at the same.
DS1 was always well behaved as a child. Very cautious. Never took risks. Did as he was told.
DS2 was a crazy kid, impulsive, would regularly run off, took risks, used to disappear if I didn’t have my eye on him all the time.

Good parenting is seeing what your kids are like, educating them as best you can, and adjusting your behaviour to keep them safe while they (hopefully!) mature.

These kind of threads about judgement and risk taking constantly come up on MN and it is so dependent on circumstances.

Neat suburban fenced garden is totally different to a tower block in a crime hotspot and is also totally different to a rural property with agricultural machinery moving around…

I have learned to never assume that my ‘normal’ is someone else’s normal. I was a bit startled to once take my similar-aged DC for a playdate, they went to play in ‘the garden’ while we had a cup of tea only to learn that the host and their neighbours didn’t have fencing between their gardens and therefore the children were probably on someone else’s property altogether!

Pretty sure that he won't be reading it, so.you can stand down.