AIBU to feel hurt by DH saying I should just stay home

[Stressedoutmummyof3]

I don't know if I'm overthinking this or if I have a right to be upset.
Tonight DH and I were talking about DS and how hopefully he'll get a space in a special school soon. DH said to me if that happens I'll need to do something during the day like go for a couple of miles walk. I asked why and he said well you need to exercise. I said if he was at school full time I was hoping to get a job. DH said well yeah as long as it's school hours term time only. I pointed out that as he's been at his job for years he could ask them to adjust his hours. Oh no apparently his work aren't doing that.
DH then said I should just stay home and most women would love the life I have. He was totally serious. So most women would love to have a chronic illness while caring for serverly autistic child. A six year old who has the development of a 12 month old, a child who's bedroom I have to scrub every day because he smears his poo at night. I do absolutely everything. Cooking, cleaning, appointments, therapy exercises with DS, fighting with the LA for the school place he needs and this makes me lucky? Most women would be jealous of that? I mean anyone who is can come round and clean my son's room tomorrow.
DHs comments have made me feel really shit. Like I'm a terrible mum because I don't enjoy being at home. Or like I don't appreciate DH goes to work and I don't have to (I do understand that most of the financial pressure.is on him). I would happily swap places with DH but he won't
I don't know I just feel like I can't even complain to DH if I've had a bad day now because he thinks I should be grateful I don't have to work. He's obviously got no intention of doing anything to help me get back to work if DS ever gets a school place and I suspect (well I know) everything will still fall to me because I have chosen to go back to work.
Don't get me wrong, I love DS to pieces and would do anything for him but he's still hard work. It probably sounds horrible to say but I did quite enjoy being a SAHM when my DDs were young but they had more understanding and enjoyed school holidays (DS doesn't because it changes his routine. We also can't go anywhere because DS doesn't like busy places) and they didn't smear.
I don't know if maybe I'm just really ungrateful and I should enjoy being a SAHM or if I'm right to be pissed off with what DH said and the fact he has no intention of doing anything to help me return to work

Not really the point if the thread my friend who’s chimed has similar need had his bedroom done in that shower panel stuff
VERY easy to clean and it’s a Matt white she put pictures up doesn’t look and different than painted walls

Aside from one measly hour per week (which you no doubt pack up, organize and facilitate), your DH has completely excused himself from care for your son.
That is one of your problems.
The other is that statistics would suggest that you are in an extremely vulnerable position financially, socially and for future career advancement. The liklihood of your marriage breaking up is much, much higher and you will be left with a high needs kid and even less support than you have now. I think you need to look at the disrespectful minimization of your current quality of life and the sacrifices you have made and start to make a plan for your future. Your mental health would be better if you were working and I suspect your DH would have more respect for you as well.

Honestly, speaking as someone with a child with needs not dissimilar to yours, I would fucking love to not have to work. The shit doesn’t magically get scraped off the walls while you’re out at work - you just end up doing all the soul destroying stuff as well as trying to hold down a job.

You could flip dh’s statement, by saying that after being a sahm all these years, he’s happy for you not to go to work, but to take up a hobby such as going for a walk. He’s not expecting you to get a job, which many dh’s pressurise their partners to do, when the children go to school.

If you're already doing everything for your son and husband does the minimum, if you're happy to work and think you could fit it around your son and have UC pay 85% toward childminding costs with someone experienced with autistic children...you may as well do all that...because you're already living life as a solid, single mum.

Why are you with him when he thinks so very little of you? You're basically DH's live-in Nanny, at this point. Except you aren't paid, you're just told to shut up and put up.

He's a complete and utter pig. This should be 50/50 when appropriate, and 40/60, 30/70 when compromise is needed, either ratio between you.

Honestly, you don't need this pig.

He wants you to stay at home because he knows if you went out to work, he'd have to start doing some of the stuff you do, and he doesn't want to.

Isn't it funny how housework and childcare are simultaneously "nothing", and "nice and relaxing" when the woman is doing it, but also somehow so hard and unpleasant that the man would do almost anything to avoid having to even do a bit of it...

I’m sorry but I don’t think I’d be upset by his comments, I would be completed p-ed off and would be questioning if I want to be with someone who has such a sexist view

I think the obvious question I would ask if… if others would be grateful for your life, why doesn’t he stay home and have that life? He obviously sees it as idillyic so offering him the chance to live it seems like the kindest thing to do

Then you can go back to work while he enjoys that life and you can enjoy actually been valued for what you do… make sure you remind him to exercise alongside keeping on top of everything else 🙄

He is most certainly not a good man.
You poor woman.
Your life sounds absolutely horrific.
One hour a week with his father while you clean shit up?

I think you need to seek support from a domestic abuse charity and look at seriously getting respite for your mental health.

Your husband is selfish and cares only about himself, the status quo remaining, and you staying as stuck as possible.

Sometimes packing a bag when he goes out with his child and leaving him to it for an extended period can focus minds.

He doesn't care about you, so you need to care and take steps to protect yourself as best you can.

I'm so sorry.

I would be upset too. Our situations aren't that dissimilar except my kid is quite a lot older now. I didnt go back to work, for various reasons (difficulties attending school being a big one) but my husband is very aware that a lot falls to me. He tries to be flexible with his work where he can to alleviate some of that because he's aware of how grinding it can be. I feel bad that he's having to earn all the money and he feels bad that I'm having to deal with the brunt of things with our kid, and all the associated things like ehcps and dla forms etc.
There's no right or wrong about whether you go back to work but you should expect support from your husband either way.
(I do now work part time, which my husband has been very supportive of too).

I think the comment suggesting you should feel lucky really dismisses all the work you do with your son and how difficult that world can be.

I am sorry he treated you like that and has made you doubt your self worth. It is entirely unjustified and wrong. From an outsider, it does sound like he was belittling you so that he can take the easy path and doesn’t have to do it instead. I guess there is more context, but non the less, he shouldn’t be assuming and you are absolutely right to stand your ground and do what you think is best

Exactly what I was thinking

Come off it op. You know deep down he’s a complete cunt who is manipulating you in to cleaning his sons shit off the walls so that he never has to do it. Has he ever cleaned his shit up? If the answer is no, then you can pretend to yourself as much as you want that he’s just ‘traditional’ but this situation isn’t making you happy and never will.

have you ever been off childless to visit friends or whatever for a weekend? If not, then you must, because this is no life.

no @Lkt32your situations aren’t remotely similar, they couldn’t be more opposite. You have a husband who supports and respects you, the op does not.

Exactly this.

I meant the situation with kid, and not working, not the situation with the husband.

Your husbands a prick. I’m so sorry. Sounds like you do a great job.

Does your H see you as some sort of domestic robot appliance with no actual feelings, hopes and dreams?
No one on the planet dreams of growing up and being stuck at home alone cleaning up shit forever while everyone else gets on with their lives.

If you’re qualified to work in nurseries I don’t think you’re being totally unrealistic to think you could find something PT and TTO only e.g. a school nursery that could mostly fit around DS being FT at a special school. However, that would likely require your husband to do more than an hour a week of parenting… He sounds horribly selfish.

100%

My DH without going into details worked to the point of literally
having very little time for household duties & childcare & all it involves when they start school. I joined an agency where I could pick & choose hours DH was available which worked for us due to DH earnings covering our outgoings etc. My earnings were saved for holidays. There is no way I could have worked full time with the costs of child care etc. I was happy to be the main carer & manager of household duties & I was grateful for the opportunity. I collected the children from school then as they got older I welcomed them home every day. I never missed a concert etc. DH was always there for emergencies, parents nights & took time for sports days. If anyone sees this arrangement as being less of a contributer in the family or making yourself vulnerable then fine but it's not my experience or views. I understand & respect there are families who couldn't afford this way of life but it's not always to do with male dominance in the family dynamic if women choose to prioritise home life.

The shit gets cleaned off the walls when DH is at work and at home at the weekend, but not by him.

I am not sure how you would cope with your DS and a full-time job. Of course, if your DH steps up as he should it would be easier. But still very hard - there are social and economic rewards, though, which could benefit your DS too. Get a job if you want to.

So you get an hour break per week and you have to spend it cleaning feces smears? And your husband thinks that is a break for you? Can you use that hour to just take a little rest? Does your husband see you clean the smears? Has he ever done it himself?

I think you have to try to make it happen as if your husband wasn't there. Whether that means finding a way to source/finance SN childcare, working from home, working nights or agency shifts, whatever you need to do.
Of course, it may all fail dismally, but it also might be the saving of your sanity. Trying and failing will be much less harmful to you that the building resentment of feeling held back by your husband's attitude.
However otherwise wonderful he is, this is not a man who sees your needs as important.

So you're taking on 100 percent of the parenting duties 24 hours a day 6 days a week, and 23 hours a day 1 day a week... And you WANT to work but your so called co-parent isn't willing to facilitate that, unless it's very specific hours that means you're still available to do everything! The fact that your career and social life has had to take the hit in the past and not his too......

This is completely unfair. Your husband's comments are downright disrespectful and he either knows he has a good thing going and is trying to keep you in this box of doing everything whilst you enable him to work and be dad of the year without actually doing the parenting, or he's completely oblivious and needs to remove his blinkers.

It sounds like now you might finally end up with a small amount of free time and want to work, instead of profuse thank you and acknowledgement of all that you do and willingness to support you with a career as you have supported him by doing everything but his job, and he's decided that you should go for a walk!

There are just no words.

OP you sound like a brilliant mum and it sounds very tough for you day to day. The division of labour and parenting in your relationship just is not fair. Your husband has a legal right to request flexible working so you both have the opportunity to earn and parent instead of one person choosing that you will do it all. You're not his employee and he's a grown man who chose to have a family. He's not showing up for you. Could you point these things out to him? Best of luck with everything OP.

You could join a ramblers group that goes out at 10am on Saturday and goe sto the pub after the walk or another all day activity. You could then get a part-time job on a Sunday. You will get your escape and a bit of money and he would have to parent properly. He couldnt complain as you were 'following his advice'.
Alternatively just get up on a Saturday and say you are going to the gym and come back 4 hours later after lunch in a cafe. You need personal time. PS your husband is an arse and needs to step up.