AIBU to feel hurt by DH saying I should just stay home

[Stressedoutmummyof3]

I don't know if I'm overthinking this or if I have a right to be upset.
Tonight DH and I were talking about DS and how hopefully he'll get a space in a special school soon. DH said to me if that happens I'll need to do something during the day like go for a couple of miles walk. I asked why and he said well you need to exercise. I said if he was at school full time I was hoping to get a job. DH said well yeah as long as it's school hours term time only. I pointed out that as he's been at his job for years he could ask them to adjust his hours. Oh no apparently his work aren't doing that.
DH then said I should just stay home and most women would love the life I have. He was totally serious. So most women would love to have a chronic illness while caring for serverly autistic child. A six year old who has the development of a 12 month old, a child who's bedroom I have to scrub every day because he smears his poo at night. I do absolutely everything. Cooking, cleaning, appointments, therapy exercises with DS, fighting with the LA for the school place he needs and this makes me lucky? Most women would be jealous of that? I mean anyone who is can come round and clean my son's room tomorrow.
DHs comments have made me feel really shit. Like I'm a terrible mum because I don't enjoy being at home. Or like I don't appreciate DH goes to work and I don't have to (I do understand that most of the financial pressure.is on him). I would happily swap places with DH but he won't
I don't know I just feel like I can't even complain to DH if I've had a bad day now because he thinks I should be grateful I don't have to work. He's obviously got no intention of doing anything to help me get back to work if DS ever gets a school place and I suspect (well I know) everything will still fall to me because I have chosen to go back to work.
Don't get me wrong, I love DS to pieces and would do anything for him but he's still hard work. It probably sounds horrible to say but I did quite enjoy being a SAHM when my DDs were young but they had more understanding and enjoyed school holidays (DS doesn't because it changes his routine. We also can't go anywhere because DS doesn't like busy places) and they didn't smear.
I don't know if maybe I'm just really ungrateful and I should enjoy being a SAHM or if I'm right to be pissed off with what DH said and the fact he has no intention of doing anything to help me return to work

Well, you could always split and do 50/50 custody. See how he likes that!

Have you put to him what you've said in your OP about exactly why your life is not the bed of roses he likes to imagine? Suggest to him that, if it's so fantastic, he can take a week off to step into your shoes while you go away, and he can see just how lovely it all is. When he fails to leap at the chance, tell him that that had better be the last time he ever tries to suggest you have it easy.

@Stressedoutmummyof3 oh and yes wholeheartedly agree being a SEN mum is lonely and isolating. Honestly don’t know how I stayed married to my husband. I done it all. He was working away during the week sometimes out of the country. He never mentioned me or the family to work colleagues . Because to him disability = weakness and he didn’t want to appear weak by association. If I’m really honest I stayed because I couldn’t financially afford to leave. I resented him big time.
But years passed and funnily enough we grew closer. I would say we are friends again now. We had some very tough years .

Absolutely this!

Get a job. You will need it when you are eventually in a position to deal this misogynistic loser.

I appreciate it’s difficult now but long term you should be trying to get away from this horrible man.

With a chronic illness and a child with autism you will need all the money you can get. Don’t become dependent on someone who doesn’t value what you do.

By the way, now I'm at home with DS all day all week, I've made a point of going out for at least half a day every weekend on my own/with friends/DD to do whatever I feel like to decompress. If you're not already doing this, you definitely should. DH is of course welcome to do the same.

You do understand that women need not to be dependent on sexist men?

My autistic son couldn’t cope in mainstream and was out of school for years before getting his special school place. It was horrendous. I sympathise. DH did everything he could to organise his work so I could stay working (on reduced hours but still) even though he is the much higher earner and we could technically cope without my wage. He knows it’s important to me to get that professional fulfilment. Ultimately your DH doesn’t want to have to pick up any slack which he would have to do.

A six year old who has the development of a 12 month old, a child who's bedroom I have to scrub every day because he smears his poo at night

I know it’s not the point of your post but my friend had this issue with her child. She did modified pj’s where the top and bottom were rigorously buttoned together so they couldn’t unbutton. Her child is now an adult, and in residential care, but still has the same pj system.

I think you should sit down with your husband and explain everything that you’ve explained here.

He doesn't think you should be grateful, that's pure manipulation, what he wants is for you to carry on doing everything, whilst he has less responsibility that a single man with no children. He is lazy, selfish and misogynistic.

You're married to a 1940s misogynist male chauvinist who wants a Trad Wife so he can check out of participating in family life and do fuck all. You should read him the absolute fucking riot act! And it needs to be explained to him that he does not know women at all as most women want financial independence. Make sure you get a job because you will want it for your independence if you need/want to leave him. Seriously my fanny would be drier than the Sahara Desert until he apologised!!

DH is pretty easy to figure out, based on what you've said. He doesn't want you to get a job because then he'll have to actually do some things with DS and around the house, and he won't find it so easy to control you.
Tell him that if he thinks your life is so nice, perhaps you'll go away by yourself for a week so he gets to experience your jealousy-inducing lifestyle?

I'm sorry OP, he sounds awful.

You need a break.
I think you are underestimating how hard it is to sustain a FT job when you have a child who has severe needs.
He needs to help more in the evening if he is the high earner.
I know that it’s crap and doesn’t feel good but sometimes we don’t have a choice.

@Stressedoutmummyof3 I don’t think anyone would swap with you I’m afraid, so your H is definitely wrong in saying you’re lucky.

He has a point about school hours / term time though. As your DC will need caring for in school holidays (13 weeks a year), so it would be handy if you were off too. Could you work in a school perhaps?

I think his delivery was a bit tactless, but from how you’ve described the conversation it doesn’t sound like your DH was saying most people would envy your life now, so much as that they’d envy having the option to stay at home once their child is in school rather than having to go out and get a job, which is the option you have. I can understand that sentiment, but it doesn’t mean it’s automatically what you want, especially having spent years in the home full time dealing with everything you’ve had to deal with.

As a SEN mum to a son, I would have thought going to a job could actually be stress relieving, it gives you a touch of reality and you can talk to others about everyday things rather than being at home all the time thinking about the jobs that need doing.

It sound like he has no awareness of just how much you do and no respect for it. He needs a wake up call. It sounds like he has the easier life!

I just don’t understand why he thinks you’re not working, you’re working so hard! You’re just not being paid for it! Sounds really shit to me, I’d defo get a part time job or at least go and volunteer in a charity shop or something to get you out a few hours a week while DS is at school. For your own sake.

@Stressedoutmummyof3 I assume your DH doesn’t work 24/7, so what does he do in parenting your DS? When does he do the cleaning of the bedroom walls?

He's blatantly rude and uncaring in his delivery, but I can see his point. You could be in a position like so many women where you had to work on top of the childcare challenges.

But no, you are not ungrateful or any of those things. It must be terribly hard, and my heart goes out to you.

I also think, as a pp said, that your husband altering his hours to allow YOU to get out of the house and get out there to do a part time job, would be a great idea. When he says altering his hours isn't an option, does that come from him or his bosses?

I understand how his words have upset you, he has little idea what life is like for you.

You do you, decide what you want and go for it.

Except, his comment on the son going to school was OP "will have to do something like go for a walk..." So he doesn't see it as she is vastly overworked right now but at least when the child's in school then workload will reduce to something manageable. He strongly implied that once the son was in school the OP would be at risk of having an hour spare and would need to fill it (by doing something free note).
Not that there's anything wrong with going for long walks. I like it. But not as something your husband prescribes to stop you being lazy

You’re not the terrible one OP, your DH is. What a prick.

Agree your ‘d’H is being unreasonable.

You already have a FT job caring for your children.
I hope you are being paid the standard carers allowance? https://www.gov.uk/carers-allowance/how-to-claim (also need add: Claiming Carer's Allowance automatically qualifies you for National Insurance credits, helping to qualify for State Pension)