AIBU to feel hurt DH went out while I'm ill?

[ThatGreenSheep]

DH has gone out for a pre planned meal with colleagues tonight. The restaurant is a 45-minute drive away, and he headed straight out after giving our five month old baby a five minute cuddle when he finished working from home today.

I'm currently ill with cold/flu like symptoms and looking after the baby full time when DH is working. Last night I had a high fever and could barely function. Felt better today, but by no means well. Baby is exclusively breastfed, so glued to me in this heat. Baby also takes around 2-3 hours to settle at night at the moment, a constant cycle of feeding, rocking, and cuddles.

I've done every night wake since baby was born with very little input from DH (due to breastfeeding - it isn't that he is unwilling), so I'm consistently sleep deprived which is probably why I'm so frustrated, but AIBU to be hurt that he still went out? I'm sure I wouldn't have done so if roles were reversed. I want to address this with him, but I know he's really tired and stressed, too, and I don't want to be controlling.

Given you are EBF, I don’t know what use it would have been him missing his pre arranged meal?

When you have a young baby you need support in these situations. He could have been looking after baby in between feeds. Unless it was really an exceptional occasion with the work colleagues?

Yes he sounds like yet another selfish man who doesn't have any sense of care or compassion for his wife when she is ill.
I don't understand how he can go out and enjoy himself with his colleagues knowing he has an ill and exhausted wife at home caring for his small baby.
I'm so sorry OP.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but maybe he isn't either. Did you speak to him about how you were feeling about the meal?

Breastfeeding exclusively is just sooo hard, it's so hard when it's all on you and especially so when you're ill. I have been where you are and it is beyond exhausting in a way that I don't think your partner can fully appreciate. Sleep deprivation too is torture and plays havoc with your mood.

I completely understand why you're feeling pissed off and unsupported but likewise he maybe thought there wasn't much he could do. Though he could have held the baby so you could have a cool shower, changed the nappies and made some dinner and a cup of tea for you. Does he do this on a normal night? Has he been looking forward to the meal for a long time?

And did you tell him any of this? Try not to just grump in silence. Sometimes people don't intuit stuff as you wish they would.

You're doing a great job and it is a very hard job you're doing x

I want to address this with him…

Address what? Him going out for a planned meal?

Why?

I think the real issue is you have assumed that EBF means you have to do all the feeds and post feeding cuddles and nappy changes.

I started pumping at 8 weeks old and stashing breast milk in the freezer so my child’s father could do his fair share of feeds. I also split the nighttime post feeding cuddles, nappy changes, and settling back to sleep.

I think you being ill and him going out has highlighted how unequal things are on a daily basis.

Of course it is shitty of him. Life changes when you have a small baby. He should have stayed to help. You need to raise it with him. Probably when your feeling a bit better. There is nothing more painful than parenting with a sick child alone.

Did you ask him to stay and help with the baby as you're not feeling well?

Get the baby on a bottle. Problem solved. Don’t be a martyr to breast feeding. I think it is one pre arranged night out, you’re feeling a bit better and he is otherwise helpful. I’d let it go.

Because when you have small babies priorities are supposed to change.
Going out for planned meals should take second place to the needs of your child and partner.
In this case his wife is ill and exhausted and any decent man would put his wife and child's needs and welfare before his own social life. He isn't a single man with no responsibilities.

Aww. That sounds really rough on you when you need the physical and moral support, although it’s ok for him to need to have a break too.

I can’t help but wonder if you’ve got mastitis? It’s been a long while since I’ve bf babies, but I seem to remember fever and flu symptoms can be part of it.

sending you big hugs. Those early days can be tough x

What don’t you mix feed (express) and then he can help? If you breast feed there isn’t really much he can do??

If the baby was a newborn, I’d agree with you. But it’s not.

If the OP was unable to look after herself and was constantly throwing up or on the toilet having violent diarrhoea, I’d agree with you. But she wasn’t.

Yes priorities change when you have kids, but that doesn’t mean you have to completely forfeit your social life.

OP having cold and flu symptoms shouldn’t stop her husband going out for a meal. If the OP had a meal planned with her girlfriends and her husband had a cold, he still should be fine to stay in with the baby.

It’s part of life. We have to crack on and do things and parent when we feel ill. Some single parents have no choice but to parent when they are ill.

It’s a cold and he’s gone out for a few hours 🤷‍♀️

OP isn't a single parent. She has an H who is supposed to love and care about her.

I think someone has to be a very hard hearted person if they can go out and enjoy themselves with their friends leaving an ill and exhausted partner at home. It's not the type of relationship I would want to be in where their social life trumps families welfare. It's not a caring partnership: it sounds like 2 people in a business arrangement forged to procreate children.

Where did I say that the OP is a single parent? 🤣

It’s part of life. The OP had cold/flu symptoms FFS. If she was gravely ill and unable to care for herself and her child it would be different.

I’d rather be in the type of relationship where we have resilience and don’t need to be joined at the hip 24/7 at every opportunity once kids are on the scene. Having a social life is healthy. I hope the OP has opportunity to spend time with her friends.

A parent having to parent alone with a cold is a non-event. It’s ridiculous.

If it had been with friends, I think he should have cancelled. But as it was with colleagues, without any more info I think he was right to go. Especially if it’s a job where they often WFH, these chances to get together aren’t that frequent and they are really important for maintaining a team dynamic. As a manager, if I or someone on the team has gone to the trouble of organising something, I’m annoyed if people pull out and never know if their reason is real or fake.

For a cold, no I wouldn't expect my Husband to stay at home, for genuine flu however, that is different. Proper flu you would be bed bound and in that situation, I would have expected him to not attend the meal.

This in spades. And stop making a rod for your own back with 3 hours of indulgence at bedtime.

All the comments re EBF. Does everyone think feeding is all a baby needs?

2-3 hours to settle for bedtime?!
Why is it taking so long?

OP you haven’t said what the work dinner is for. I’m co-hosting a dinner with a colleague tomorrow night and I’ll be pretty pissed off if he cancels on me because his wife has a cold.

I’m sorry you are feeling rough. Hope you feel better soon.

I am sure your dh is hands on on evenings and weekends when he at home right?
A five month old can go 3 to 4 hours between feeds so in day time on weekends you get lots of nice naps while dh takes baby out ?
And he can certainly do bath time nappy changes for few hours in evening so you get some sleep in before the night time shift
So over the week you get some catch up right?
And soon can start weaning so even more for dh to beinvolved with.

If not....then change things now....

One night out should be fine (for each of you)

Thanks for your replies and for sharing your perspectives. In response to a few posts:

The meal was arranged a couple of weeks ago but wasn't for any set occasion. It was pretty casual.

We've tried to get LO on a bottle of expressed milk since 8 weeks old, and he refuses. We've tried different bottles and teats, temperatures, sought advice from a lactation consultant, and tried to see if he would take formula. At this rate, going straight to a cup seems more likely.

Last night I had a temperature of 39 and couldn't get out of bed. Fever broke after a few hours, but I still feel absolutely exhausted and looked after LO from 6am until 10pm solo without a break. I have no problem with doing this occasionally when DH has plans. He has attended several events and weekends away since baby was born. But given how unwell I felt today, on top of the heat, I'd not have gone out if the roles were reversed.

Bedtime has only been this bad for a week or so. We're working on it.

DH is hands on when he's around in the evenings and weekends, but I normally only get an hour after he finishes work before we try to get LO down for bed. Weekends he tries to give me breaks, but never more than 1-1.5 hours at a time. You're right, we probably need to try and change that.