AIBU to feel hurt DH went out while I'm ill?

[ThatGreenSheep]

DH has gone out for a pre planned meal with colleagues tonight. The restaurant is a 45-minute drive away, and he headed straight out after giving our five month old baby a five minute cuddle when he finished working from home today.

I'm currently ill with cold/flu like symptoms and looking after the baby full time when DH is working. Last night I had a high fever and could barely function. Felt better today, but by no means well. Baby is exclusively breastfed, so glued to me in this heat. Baby also takes around 2-3 hours to settle at night at the moment, a constant cycle of feeding, rocking, and cuddles.

I've done every night wake since baby was born with very little input from DH (due to breastfeeding - it isn't that he is unwilling), so I'm consistently sleep deprived which is probably why I'm so frustrated, but AIBU to be hurt that he still went out? I'm sure I wouldn't have done so if roles were reversed. I want to address this with him, but I know he's really tired and stressed, too, and I don't want to be controlling.

Thank you for your kind words. You've summed up exactly how I'm feeling. DH is usually very thoughtful, and I didn't tell him that I didn't want him to go.

Start pumping, get the baby on a bottle.
yanbi. He is very selfish putting his needs first and treating the baby like a puppy he has to occasionally play with and snuggle.
He should have stayed home, tidied up and prepared dinner.

Thank you! My breasts feel fine so I think it is most likely a bug

Incredible to me that 3 posts say "get the baby on a bottle" at 5 months when breastfeeding is so much better than bottle feeding for mother and child.

Husband is a prick, a fever of 39 is no joke, and heavy misogyny in play with various posters saying "it's just a cold" - a cold doesn't give you a fever of 39 - womens illnesses are so often downplayed bad their right to be cared for dismissed. Grim.

Not in a million years would my father have done this to my mother when we were kids/babies. He wouldn't do it now they are both in their 70s he'd stay and make sure she was comfortable and had everything she needed to recover as quickly as possible.

Not unreasonable tonight with being poorly to expect a little TLC (as it was a casual meal) and deffo not unreasonable given you've been doing most of the care since the birth. I think the latter annoys me more.

Please get him into the swing of carrying the load more when he's home otherwise you're going to be full of resentment as well as utterly shattered. That is a horrible combo that causes relationship damage.

All of these people saying to get the baby on a bottle infuriate me. It's not that easy. The baby refuses a bottle: formula or expressed milk.
Breastfeeding is so tough, once they have the breast a lot of babies won't settle for anything less. Yes, it's supposed to be better for mum and baby and I would do it again but secretly I think sometimes if my life would have been way easier formula bottle feeding from the start. I think I'd be annoyed with partner too!! Get well soon.

If it had been purely social it would be a clear case of he should know to cancel. For something work related, it’s less clear.

one thing I learned from having a high needs baby was to state my needs explicitly. Don’t hope he stays home. Tell him you are sick and need as much rest as he can give you around what you must do for baby and his work schedule. If you are sick enough, tell him you need a sick day which means he needs to take a sick day.

after this passes and you are just dealing with a baby who doesn’t sleep well, if what you need is for him to make you a cup of tea or to pick up a treat, then tell him that too. You can’t tag him in for everything, but you can ask for things to make your life easier even if they are just mental relief.

Also another small detail for the "get the baby on a bottle" brigade, even if we forget the fact that this mum has been exclusively breastfeeding for 5 months already, has got through the most difficult part of breastfeeding which is the "establishing and getting through the initial painful weeks" part, and as mentioned the significant benefits for the baby and the mother over formula, it would not even necessarily be easy to downgrade to a bottle.

Firstly the mother can't do this overnight, she will end up with mastitis.
Secondly the baby will fight against the bottle, as it brings no comfort, no closeness, tastes different etc etc. Also brings no antibodies so the baby will get sick more often.
Thirdly the baby's stomach will be used to breast milk and so will be likely to end up with colic and gastro pain once they accept formula.

So as well as the obvious downsides of a woman who is capable of breastfeeding and has exclusively done so for 5 months - If a woman is struggling to breastfeed is a different matter, obviously if it is causing difficulties for the mum, or the baby can't latch, or baby isn't gaining weight etc then in those circumstances formula is indicated - but it's not indicated because a man can't figure out how to support his breastfeeding partner appropriately.

As I mentioned earlier, the misogyny in this thread is wild. From trying to dismiss the OPs illness "just a cold" when she has a raging fever, to the other but the dinner is to do with His Job (so what - any decent employer would have respect for a man who had to decline a work social event to care for his wife and child as they would see it as him having emotional intelligence), to suggestions that she is somehow silly for breastfeeding for 5 months and should "get the baby on a bottle" despite that being contrary to all medical advice - once again finding a way to have a go at the mother when it is the father who is at fault here.

The mental gymnastics it takes to go from "man lacks empathetic response and selfishly leaves his very ill wife caring for an infant so he can go out for dinner" (poor choice on behalf of male) to "WHY HAVEN'T YOU(mum) GOT THAT BABY ON A BOTTLE" (way to have a go at female whilst ignoring key issue) is staggering and requires a potent combo of medical ignorance, social unawareness and internalised misogyny to come to fruition.

I think you’re being a little bit unreasonable. You’re breastfeeding, so would he have been able to do much anyway? Rock the baby to sleep I suppose.
If you’d asked him not to go but then he still did, that would be shitty but you didn’t communicate that to him. It would have been nice if he’d offered to stay but you said yourself that he’s also stressed.
I can see both sides.
Hope you’re feeling better soon and he takes the baby for a bit so that you can rest or chill or go shopping etc.