Family mocked in group chat- was i overreacting?

[AncientWasp]

At a wedding not long ago, my parents were there as were several of my friends. Few days later I was sitting near one of my friends and she was scrolling through a chat she has with 2 of our friends. I know it was wrong to look, but I was shocked to see 'Wasp's Mum' something about the dress she was wearing and 2 laughing emojis on the comment.
It moved too quickly to read the full comment properly but it was implied they were having a laugh at whatever my Mum was wearing.
I immediately said to my friend that I did not appreciate that, this was not ok. They don't know my Mum, this wasn't some friendly banter to her face, they were mocking her behind her back.
They don't have to like what she's wearing but I found that very catty. She apologised and said no harm was meant.
I decided to drop it and move on but I am put off this friend a little bit right now. Was I overreacting?

On the general point, I'm sure you can think of many examples where harm is done without the subject knowing. For eg, toxic ingredients in food etc, tobacco industry in the 50s.

In this instance, the harm is done firstly when the subject finds out - a psychological blow the risk of which is very high and impossible to preclude.

Secondly, damage is done to their relationships with the others in the group who will start to think differently about her - either with more contempt, or more pity. The relationships will change.

If humans weren't susceptible to poison being dripped in their ear about others, the massive cunt who's doing it wouldn't bother and Shakespeare would have had to find other plots.

Thirdly, damage is done when the subject discovers that they have been the subject.

You've reminded me that I meant to reply to the 'How would you improve education?' thread with 'critical thinking classes.'

Your parents gave them a lift and they ridiculed your mum in the chat. Not my type of friend.

I think that's pretty melodramatic. The OP's mother is not harmed by a comment on her choice of wedding outfit because she does not know about it. The OP would not have known about it had she not been snooping on her friend's phone. She is not 'harmed' either. There is no suggestion that either of the friends on the chat have treated the OP's mother with anything other than politeness and respect. There is no suggestion that they don't like her, or find her a contemptible person, or weren't appropriately grateful for the lift. One of them, in a private conversation, mocked an outfit the OP acknowledges would be 'not to everyone's taste', and the other replied with two emojis indicating amused agreement.

It's not something I would have done. Do I think it's the kind of friendship-ending betrayal some posters on here appear to think? No. My mother's weird choice of outfit is not somehow invisible or less funny to other people just because they happen to be my friends.

The OP is harmed, hence thread.

In what way is she 'harmed' by a single WhatsApp about what her mother wore to a wedding? It wasn't a takedown of her mother's personality, or anything to do with her mother at all, just a private remark in a one-on-one context on an outfit the OP herself says wouldn't be to everyone's taste.

Because this type of gossip is nasty and you expect support, not nasty gossip from your friends. Criticism of one’s parents is hurtful.

"But all these sanctimonious posts telling you to drop the friendship? I bet they’ve done the exact same thing at some point!"

Hand on heart I have never accepted a lift to an event from a friend's mum then mocked her behind her back at the event and expected a lift back after, no.

She will feel sad and embarrassed for her mother, and sad and disappointed to discover that her friends are cunts.

What did you have to google?

The post you have quoted even includes a comment about it being the OPs username.

If I had to refer to myself in a post I would say "chesspit" as it would be pretty silly to use my real name (which, funnily enough, isn't Chesspit)

Agree.
I would actually not care as much if a friend made fun of my own outfit, but anyone making fun of my parents (or my kids) that would be a sore point for me

But there's no suggestion these friends aren't a support to the OP (unless of course we're in that peculiar Mn realm of '"friend" means "someone I don't like very much"'), or that they've ever done anything wrong other than a single WhatsApp exchange mocking her mother's outfit. It's not 'gossip'. It's not personal criticism. It was not said in front of the OP or her mother, but in a purely private capacity.

It's not something I would do, but I certainly don't think it indicates these people aren't perfectly good friends to the OP. Literally all they've said is that her mother wore a dress they thought was odd or comical.

The harm for me is on the friendship.

OP's DM never needs to know but OP can't un-know and honestly, any of my friends get caught letting my DM do them favours (or not!0 then mocking her will be a friend no longer.

It's not how adults behave but particularly not friends.

exactly, see my subsequent post

In fairness, I was agreeing with you.

Clearly didn't come off that way.

My bad!

This is mean and not ok, but on the flip side the way you’re dodging the question politely makes me think the outfit was indeed very bad.

Good grief, you might want to sign up for critical thinking, logic, philosophy, sophistry and semantics classes while you're there.

If you can't tell the obvious, fundamental, existential difference between being literally and physically being poisoned by tobacco and someone saying they don't like your dress in a private conversation that you have no knowledge of, I'm not sure I can help you...

The subject has not found out.

I think most secondary school children understand that 'harm' is not an absolute, like 'murder', but a continuum.

My point, in addressing the question 'can harm be done without the subject's knowledge', absolutely stands.

'banter' the interminable excuse for being a totally rude arsehole these days. Bet you are not that chill 😄