Hit my limit after receiving silly comment

[Newbie986]

I’m in a same sex relationship and my partner is currently pregnant. We’ve had our ups and downs in the relationship and there’s certainly been struggles. From my perspective I feel my partner struggles to see how what she might say or how her actions can be hurtful. I try my best to focus on seeing things from each others perspective instead of who’s right or wrong, though it can be challenging at times.
I’m very conscious at present that she’s going through a pregnancy, fatigue levels etc and as a result have taken on essentially all the housework, shopping, chores etc. She went away with family for two nights and I made sure there was nothing for her to do when she came back. We are also doing a lot of outside work and of course I don’t want her to be doing a lot of lifting etc and so I have taken that on. I was exhausted yesterday when I came home from work and just made dinner and sat on the couch. She was waiting for me to go out and do some jobs but I said no, nothing was essential and I was taking the evening off. My partner is off for the summer so I understand she wants to get everything done asap but I’m running on empty, and probably more so mentally and emotionally. Today I explained in a message that I need to pace things and was tired after doing a lot of outside work, she replied “I don’t expect you to kill yourself”…. “I know you’re not used to hard labour” I saw red and hit the roof. I can’t believe the comment was so triggering. I have worked since I was in school to earn my own money. Put myself through college, working nights at weekends and worked 60hour weeks during college summers. I’m struggling to see why she would say that? Or am I blowing it out of proportion?

I guess she wants everything done before the baby arrives (no doubt you do too) and she is been inconsiderate. Best thing to do is sit down and talk it over. If it helps when I had my first son the pregnancy made me extremely angry and unreasonable 🤣🤣🤣 bizarre as I didn’t have that with other pregnancies. Hormones may be playing a part so best you both say how you feel and clear the air. Congratulations btw :-)

Today I explained in a message that I need to pace things and was tired after doing a lot of outside work,

I mean honestly that to me is just ridiculous.

You worked all day, made dinner & didn't want to do any more.
That shouldn't cause problems/need explaining!

You probably over reacted to that specific comment but just cos she’s pregnant, doesn’t mean she gets to sit with her feet up for 9 months either.

why are you doing absolutely everything? You need a proper chat about sharing things & work on your communication before the baby arrives

Sideways point: if you're in the south of the UK it's too hot to be doing heavy manual outdoor work unless you can slot it in at say 5 - 8am. Postpone the rest of it till the weather is more acceptable. It isn't good for any of you if you become ill from the heat / exhaustion.

This sounds worrying to say the least. How will the child fare if that’s her start in life?

Why don’t you speak rather than text?

Exactly this! Able to go on holiday but isn't doing any cooking or housework (or work!) just sat giving orders!

Was she snippy with you on Monday when you said you were too tired to do any more outside stuff?

If not, I can’t see why you picked it up in a message next day. She asked, you said no. No drama.

I wonder if subconsciously you just want her to say thanks and appreciate the extra lengths you’re going to at the moment. Does she?

That chat about a day with her dad (how many years ago?) sounds irritating too, I’d be telling her to knock it off.

You could really put the cat amongst the pigeons and say, ‘you’re pregnant, not disabled, you lazy mare.’
😜

What does that mean.....?

I don’t think she did anything wrong, I doubt that was even meant to be offensive and can’t see why it annoyed you quite so much. It literally means what she said- you’re not used to hard manual labour so the garden work must be taxing for you as a result. Maybe you’re both irritating one another right now, pregnancy is a tough time for couples. Assuming she’s in nesting mode so feels desperate to get the jobs done.

Nesting mode usually means cleaning and tidying, not sitting on the sofa! Unless she's struggling with pregnancy related symptoms the OP hasn't mentioned, she's taking the piss.

Talk about these things now, before the baby comes. Yes, pregnancy is hard. But having a newborn is beyond the level of hard work that I have ever experienced - you will both be physically tired, exhausted on no sleep, getting used to the new routine, and needed ALL THE TIME (at least if you end up with one of those babies who need a human to sleep on). This puts a level of stress on a relationship way beyond whatever you are experiencing now. You need to get these squabbles, conversations about triggering accusations of laziness etc out of the way now.

Also, is garden work and carrying heavy slabs and soil really necessary, urgent pre-baby house prep? Are you in a position to solve that problem (and possibly others) by throwing money at it, i.e. hiring someone else to do it?

Regardless of how she meant it I think it was a completely unnecessary comment which could easily be taken out of context by someone who is feeling tired, frazzled and sensitive which, based on her posts, OP understandably seems to be.
Possibly OP overreacted a bit but both need to sit down apologise to each other and talk it through. A bit of kindness and grace both ways should smooth this over.

I’m going to be really direct which I know people don’t love but I promise my intention is good.

She sounds like my DH overly direct and you sound like me overly sensitive.

DH and I have these silly rows too but we love each other very much. We always talk them through, even though other people could just let the comments roll on by. I’d just get more and more from him which would tip me over the edge and he would get me to my tipping point.

He tries as best as he can to hear me and I try as best as I can to hear him.

We are together decades. This stuff can be worked on.

Sorry but I don’t think she sounds nice at all. It would drive most people nuts to hear constantly about her manual labour growing up Lol! I grew up on a farm and probably have done more outdoor style jobs than my DP, but I would never bring it up or use it to berate him for not breaking his back in our garden.
Pregnancy doesn’t excuse all behaviour and - to dig a bit deeper - it sounds like she isn’t being hugely sensitive to how her pregnancy may be affecting your feelings after your own pregnancy losses. I am so sorry for those losses OP. I can’t give much more advice but you have every right to be hurt by her comments and I very much understand how you must be feeling.

She's pregnant and unable to do a lot, but the nesting impulse is very strong, I was a nightmare, brain wouldn't stop thinking of next thing to do, do she's putting that pressure on you unintentionally.
Housework depending on her health isn't usually totally off the cards though? One pregnancy I couldn't handle smells, cooking, watching/hearing someone eat, but I could hoover, hang washing, fold washing.
Be realistic, depending on her health,wee jobs will keep her busy, and lessen your load.
That's a lot of heavy lifting to do on your own if not your main job, if you sprain a muscle, you might need looking after. Everyone thinks they will save money by doing everything themselves, it takes months, fallouts, sore bones.
Pay a day or twos rate for a labourer, they are just there to lift and lay, you can still get on with lots of jobs whilst all heavy stuff moved.
We try and do things ourselves, but outsource worst job. So maybe £200 down but your not exhausted, you got on with other jobs, and realistically 4 days ahead as not needing recovery days

Also tbh if the garden is so important then it’s probably worth hiring someone to finish it all off - especially if this shuts down a few rows. The overall tone of expecting you to wear yourself out in a heatwave is really not nice and not ok. It’s just a garden!!!

It sounds like an innocent comment to me. Hard labour usually refers to hard physical labour of the kind prisoners used to be sentenced to. Are you used to hard physical labour?
How far is she on her pregnancy? Pregnancy is not only very tiring physically it takes a toll on your emotions.

When there is this much tension before the baby is even born, it didn't sound like they were compatible to be parents together. I wondered if there was some backstory as to how her partner had been more reasonable before pregnancy.