Hit my limit after receiving silly comment

[Newbie986]

I’m in a same sex relationship and my partner is currently pregnant. We’ve had our ups and downs in the relationship and there’s certainly been struggles. From my perspective I feel my partner struggles to see how what she might say or how her actions can be hurtful. I try my best to focus on seeing things from each others perspective instead of who’s right or wrong, though it can be challenging at times.
I’m very conscious at present that she’s going through a pregnancy, fatigue levels etc and as a result have taken on essentially all the housework, shopping, chores etc. She went away with family for two nights and I made sure there was nothing for her to do when she came back. We are also doing a lot of outside work and of course I don’t want her to be doing a lot of lifting etc and so I have taken that on. I was exhausted yesterday when I came home from work and just made dinner and sat on the couch. She was waiting for me to go out and do some jobs but I said no, nothing was essential and I was taking the evening off. My partner is off for the summer so I understand she wants to get everything done asap but I’m running on empty, and probably more so mentally and emotionally. Today I explained in a message that I need to pace things and was tired after doing a lot of outside work, she replied “I don’t expect you to kill yourself”…. “I know you’re not used to hard labour” I saw red and hit the roof. I can’t believe the comment was so triggering. I have worked since I was in school to earn my own money. Put myself through college, working nights at weekends and worked 60hour weeks during college summers. I’m struggling to see why she would say that? Or am I blowing it out of proportion?

This. ^

@researchers3 I appreciate your acknowledgment of previous post and take the point that I may have blown it out of proportion but as my previous post I’m am very much aware of what my partner has gone through, having had 5 unsuccessful rounds of ivf and a miscarriage. I will and have being doing all in my power to support her and will continue to do so but suggesting that I should be grateful I don’t have to go through pregnancy and labour and “ruin” my body is a bit unfair and I would give everything and more to carry a child x

❤️I'm sorry you've had to read some unkind/unthinking posts wrt being pregnant & giving birth xx

i actually think your partner needs to think about her comments tbh. It's irrelevant that she grew up the way she did & you didn't!

you are currently doing everything to make life easier for her, working full time AND doing the heavy lifting of the outside work. She needs to appreciate what you are doing & not make such hurtful comments. Pregnant or not, she needs telling!

‘Hard labour’ means manual labour, not ‘hard work’. What she said was reasonable.
Bit I’m not sure why you are doing all the housework while she has the summer off unless it’s a high risk pregnancy? She could (and should) be as active as she’d normally be. Healthier for her and the baby.

I think she's being really unfair on you. It's not a fucking competition. If she can't find it in her heart to let you rest when you're knackered, you could try saying something like "I'll be able to work much harder tomorrow if I just took an evening off." Which is objectively true. Still, I wish you weren't in the position of having to bargain for the care you lavish on her.

It sounds like you might have taken on too much, especially if your partner has the summer off. Obviously she shouldn't be lugging paving slabs around but presumably she could do her share of the cooking and housework?

If you're going to repost something containing such an insensitive remark just to reaffirm it, then take the responsibility to read the thread. The OP has stated that she went through 5 unsuccessful rounds of IVF and a miscarriage and has suggested she would give anything to carry a child. She has already stated priot to your repost that she found the comment you reposted hurtful.

What about your need to join in is so important that means she has to keep reading about how she needs to calm down and be grateful she doesn't have to go through it?

@Newbie986 IVF is pretty brutal and so is a miscarriage.
Has she been as careful and helpful:towards you as you are for her?

I do t there is something wrong in your posts. Like you are really extra careful around her. You clearly don’t understand what it feels to be pregnant/giving birth. In a way people don’t usually do.

Like you’ve taken EVERYTHING, the physical work in the garden, the housework etc… all whilst she is in hols for the summer??

Seriously, Id have been pretty upset at her comment.
If she is that strong and has been out through her pace by her dad as she says, then she can do her half of the cleaning in the house and she can move the stones. I mean my MIL did it as a farmer. Worked physically until she gave birth bith times. I’m sure she can do it too if she is that used to physical work rigut? No? Then she should kerp her comment to herself.

Quite unkind to tell someone who’s miscarried and longed for a pregnancy that they ‘clearly don’t understand what it feels like to be pregnant’ don’t you think? Maybe your typos changed the context there somehow? It reads like you were trying to be nice but actually said something quite mean

@ToKittyornottoKitty Err… yes I meant the exact opposite.
That she has gone through a lot with IVF and a miscarriage.
And I asked if her partner has been as attentive to her then as she is towards her now.
The ‘you dint understand what it feels…’ is what the OP said herself to explain that maybe she is missing something. Not me telling her that!

And I find that strange. That the OP is like threading water, walking ever so carefully around her DP as if she didn’t know anything or couldn’t understand how it feels to be pregnant (despite the fact, as you said, she clearly really wanted to!). Nearly aplogising.

And yet her DP is … ‘just’ pregnant. And even though a pg after IVF also feels more fragile, I’m struggling to see why she needs to be handled so carefully.

She sounds kind of irritating that she always has to make a point about how hard she works. It's like she can't tolerate the reality that right now you are working way way harder than she is. Perhaps she is losing her identity being pregnant and not being able to do all that work any more and so is trying to assert something in a clumsy annoying way. I think it's time for some frank conversations and you should tell her plainly that you don't welcome comments like that.

I also think k she's being unfair.

How many weeks is she? Is the pregnancy going well?

I'm trying to understand why you are doing everything. I've had two DC. I worked full time with both until one/two weeks before and also.cooked.dinner.some.times/did my share of tidying etc.

It's great you are helping carry the load but I don't think this would be usual for the DP doing 100% in most relationships during pregnancy.

If my DH said this I would have taken it the wrong way and felt he was having a dig.

But you know your wife and whether she has a mean streak or whether she was just acknowledging that this is hard for you.

I absolutely would not be doing these unnecessary things during the heat and I’d be putting my foot down more.

I don’t understand why she is not doing anything.
Pregnancy can be difficult but it doesn’t stop someone doing chores, cooking or some gardening etc.

I would make a new compromise in which she pulls her weight and does the chores that do not require exertion or heavy lifting - eg laundry, cooking, washing up, changing the bedding etc.

The other things you can do, which will give you more free time to do the outdoor things but I would also be reducing these things until it cools down.
It does not need to be done before the baby comes.

I get the impression from OP's posts that she is intensely caring and accommodating, perhaps to give someone else what she would have liked for herself. I might be projecting, because that used to be my pattern too. But the wrong people take advantage of this.

Oh if she’s said that about working with you’re dad then I take back my previous post, she is a CF 😡

How far along is she, and is she having a particularly tough pregnancy? Because lots of women, even those with difficult high risk pregnancies, still continue to do their share of shopping/cooking/cleaning often with a lively toddler or two in tow. I'm not saying she should do everything but nor should you. Particularly not if you are doing a load of heavy manual work in the garden in this weather. If you overdo it and injure yourself that won't help anyone! There should be a fair division of labour.

I agree.
It sounds as if she supported you taking a break, (did you feel you shouldn’t?). Why would you assume she was being intentionally nasty?

At is a really shitty thing to say. You have no idea what the OP has been through or what has prevented her being the one who is pregnant.

You would get short fucking shift from me if you said that to me who could well have been in a similar position to the OP. Pregnancy would be a walk in the fucking park compared to the medical shit I’ve had to go through which has prevented me from having children. And ultimately being pregnant is a choice, what I went through wasn’t - it was survival.

I agree, that was a shitty thing for the PP to post. I am extremely grateful that I was able to go through pregnancy and childbirth.

Also, it's a very individual thing. Pregnancy definitely didn't take everything out of me. And while labour and childbirth wasn't a nice experience for me, it definitely didn't ruin my body forever (aside from the pelvic floor, but I should have done my exercises more).

It was the newborn stage which I personally struggled with, and that's something you will both be going through.

It was the newborn stage which I personally struggled with, and that's something you will both be going through.

Meanwhile OP is enduring the teen years from her DP.

Why not?

OP, I think your DP was out of order.

But more widely, have you received any help or counselling for what you went through with your own fertility and pregnancies? I think having experienced these losses and then your DP being pregnant must be really hard.

I’m also a lesbian and I think relationship dynamics around pregnancy can be really hard. It’s one of the reasons DP and I decided fo adopt (though not a main one).

You don’t have to take on so much because she’s pregnant. I hope you’re ok.

Totally agree . She’s not a bloody invalid .

On the surface you overreacted but when that happens there's always an underlying reason for it. I would imagine in your case it's a combination of the fact that you wish you were the one who's pregnant and also your partner is using her pregnancy as a way of not pulling her weight around the house while you've been working to the point of exhaustion. Looking at it that way it's very understandable you'd blow up at the comment. I don't think these are easy issues to talk through and I would recommend couples therapy just to try to get things on a more even keel between you both before the baby comes which will put much more stress on the relationship.

Sorry you have been through that, OP.
In your position, I would find it hard to see a partner experiencing the joy of carrying a child, despite the pain and exhaustion that goes with it. Perhaps this makes the current situation even harder for you.