To not ask my sisters partners daughters to be bridesmaids?

[OurGirl]

We are getting married next year.

My sister has 2 daughters aged 15 and 11 and her partner has 3 daughters aged 14, 12 and 11. My sister has been with her partner for 3 years.

We have asked my sister if our nieces can to be bridesmaids but not her partners daughters. My sister and her partner think this is unfair and we should ask his daughters as well.

We don’t see his daughters very often and don’t think we should have to have them as bridesmaids.

Are we being unreasonable? Would you expect your partners children to be bridesmaids?

Your sister and her partner are being ridiculous beyond belief.

I’d be surprised if my step children were invited to my siblings wedding at all, never mind being part of the wedding party. There is no relationship there whatsoever.

I have a blended family, that is my choice. My sibling doesn’t have a blended family by proxy.

Will these additional teens even WANT to be bridesmaids at some rando’s wedding? If this is the hill sister is going to die on, cut the bridesmaids or get someone else. And in any event this is not a long term relationship - boyfriend and sister could split up next week and you have paid for 3 pointless dresses. And what if she starts shagging someone else with 5 kids next month? Madness.

I could understand your sister's stance if all five girls had grown up together and the "blended" family was the only family that they had known. But I suspect that even the youngest girls (8 when the relationship started) have a sense of separate families. Even if the partner's daughters don't have contact with their mum or anyone from her side of the family they are still old enough to understand the concept that their stepsiblings (assuming that is the family dynamic even though the parents aren't married) have other family relationships. They will be, or should be, used to having some experiences and opportunities separate from the blended family, and these divides will only increase as they get older. I don't think it would be weird at all for an 11, 12, or 14yo to accept as normal the fact that her stepsiblings are bridesmaids in their aunt's wedding.

Your sister's flat out refusal might be reasonable (from her perspective) if the girls were much younger, and you could just agree that none of the five girls would be in the wedding, but their age and presumably growing independence complicates things. What happens if one or both of your nieces would have loved to have been your bridesmaid, and feels rejected that you didn't ask her?

They may all live in the same house, to those children those are their siblings, and being treated differently to siblings can be really upsetting for kids. The OP is allowed to not ask them, i’m just saying as a parent I would likely not have any of the kids doing it.

My DD likes some things to be just for her, where she had the main connection with my side of the family, and vice versa her step siblings. You can’t force families together. Equally when I was younger, my girl cousins were bridesmaids to our much adored uncle, but my sister and I weren’t - he and his wife to be just wanted two bridesmaids

Not all kids who live in the same house as their step siblings, view each other as actual siblings. Esp if they've only known each other for a few years.
If a parent would deny their own children the opportunity to take part in their family events and to strengthen bonds with their aunts/uncles etc because extended family don't view the parent's partner's kids as family, they are doing their own children a huge disservice. Certainly when we're talking about a shortish partnership where the 'step' parents aren't even married. There are no legal or familial bonds here. Obviously different for long standing partnerships where children have grown up together.

If parents insist on pushing kids together in all aspects of life, they risk their children feeling resentful in the future, esp if the parents' relationship doesn't work out in the long run.

I wouldn't even feel compelled to invite them to the wedding even. OP isn't close to them, they have only been in her sister's life for 3 years and it doesn't even state that the sister is married to this man.
Sounds like sister is trying to make a picture of a perfect blended family and is using your wedding as a prop. Wouldn't be surprised if the girls actually hate the idea.

Why not? The other girls will be sure to have privileges from their own family. Why should OP have to change her relationship with her nieces who she has known all their lives and probably adores?

That’s incredibly entitled.

The couple are not even married though. They have only been together 3 years and OP hardly knows them.

Very different situation though. These are older children who have had a whole childhood without OP, are new to the family, and have each other as complete siblings.

Bet not the sister and the girls father.

your sister and her partner are being wildly unreasonable on 2 fronts.

1. equating your nieces and her partners children.
2. daring to even raise this when it's completely your choice.

your sister should just be happy for you, helping you not creating this shit

We had one like this. Had 5 children from 3 previous relationships. Starting demanding that her children were treat like my well off in-laws biological grandchildren (actually better really). Even tried to get a large slice of the will on their behalf. Luckily in laws held their ground and she took off in the end.

She will do that by default anyway as she can't have her nieces without their mother's permission.

I do wonder who is really pushing for this, hopefully the sisters partner not being controlling with her?

YANBU, do not give in to any pressure.

If they insist, ditch the idea of nieces as BMs and ask a friend,

They may all live in the same house

But equally, they might not. In fact, it is statistically more likely that they don't.

to those children those are their siblings

No they aren't. They will (presumably) have been around 10 and 14 before there was any attempted 'blending' by their parents, who, lets not forget, have only been seeing each other for 3 years. So the girls (both the sister's dds and her boyfriend's dds) will have lived the overwhelming majority of their lives not even having met the step sisters, let alone having any sort of relationship with them.

being treated differently to siblings can be really upsetting for kids

I doubt anyone will dispute that, but these are not siblings in any way, shape, or form.

i’m just saying as a parent I would likely not have any of the kids doing it.

Which is entirely your choice, but if you prevent 11 and 15 year olds from doing things with their family they have known all their lives, that is likely to cause FAR more resentment than if you nurture relationships with all of the dc's extended families.