To not ask my sisters partners daughters to be bridesmaids?

[OurGirl]

We are getting married next year.

My sister has 2 daughters aged 15 and 11 and her partner has 3 daughters aged 14, 12 and 11. My sister has been with her partner for 3 years.

We have asked my sister if our nieces can to be bridesmaids but not her partners daughters. My sister and her partner think this is unfair and we should ask his daughters as well.

We don’t see his daughters very often and don’t think we should have to have them as bridesmaids.

Are we being unreasonable? Would you expect your partners children to be bridesmaids?

Another reason to add to the long list of why blending families is a car crash for everyone.

Your poor nieces will likely miss out as their mum will stamp her feet and demand all or none, as though you give a shit about random teenagers you’ve probably met a handful of times over the last couple of years.

Your sister is BU, but it’s you and your nieces that will suffer.

No they don’t qualify as they are step nieces of only 3 years

they don’t have to be included as bridesmaids

They’re not even that, as DSis isn’t married,

Ludicrous. Tell your DSis you can't magically feel the same about teens, you only met 3 years ago, as you do about your nieces, who you have loved since birth. You like and are kind to them, but they are not your nieces. She is being very unfair to her own daughters - make this clear.
Her boyfriend of 3 years has no say in your wedding. He's a CF to think he does. If he's worried about his girls being upset /feeling entitled/kicking off, then he needs to parent them effectively. Not expect everyonecelse to give into their (I suspect his) demands.
Stand firm OP - a bridw chooses her own, willing, bridesmaids.

As someone who was a step-child at that age, I would neither have wanted to be a bridesmaid nor be at the wedding.

This! ⬆️

They don’t qualify as step nieces after only 3 years. They are being ridiculous.

Exactly this. It’s just another variation on the standard MN tale of the person who brings children from a previous relationship into a new one, and expects their partners family to immediately treat their children the same as their actual family.

Exactly this.

But they're not equal!! 2 of them are her actual nieces since birth. Her sister's children, whom she is presumably close to. The others are a random guy's kids. A guy her sister is dating. Not even married to.
How could you possibly see all kids as equal??

Not unreasonable but also a very sensitive issue. Can you find another role for the partner's daughters in your wedding? I think that would be a nice thing to do to include your niece's step siblings and to keep the peace with your sister and her newly blended family.

YANBU. They are not married! They haven’t been together that long and could break up at any point. It’s your wedding and it’s really odd that your sisters partner is so bothered… if they were engaged at least it may be something to talk about. I wonder if he’s controlling in other aspects of her life.

Being a teenage bridesmaid is an awkward age. Too old for "dressing like a princess" too young to go on the hen do.

3 years together is a long time in a child’s life. It’s doubtful the kids see it as their dads ‘latest girlfriend’.

3 years is a long time in a child's life... but if the couple are only together 3 years then the poor kids definitely shouldn't know their parents partners / kids / extended family for 3 years. Should be far less for their sake! Anyway... they literally barely know the OP so yes it's very strange that anyone would expect them to be in the wedding party.

I can see why, from your point of view, it seems more than reasonable to only as your sister's children to be bridesmaids. However, it may be that they are having problems integrating the families and they anticipate that this would cause more problems for them. I think this is an instance when the bride's preferences dont trump the parents' preferences, and you have to respect them. You don't have to have them all as bridesmaids, but I don't think you should only ask half the step-siblings to be bridesmaids if the parents really don't want that. If you aren't willing to have all five as bridesmaids (which is perfectly reasonable) then I think you can should make that clear, but then you need to give your sister the choice of whether it is two or none. She can't force you have to have five, but you can't force her to make it two either.

Being a teenage bridesmaid is an awkward age. Too old for "dressing like a princess" too young to go on the hen do.

Strongly disagree with this. The children have a right to their own family relationships and not be forced to 'blend' in all aspects of life. Parents make choices that kids are forced to live with - forcing children to share everything, including the right to participate in their own aunt's wedding unless 'step' siblings are also included, is a breeding ground for resentment.

And it very much is the bride's choice - it's her wedding!

Honestly, blended families would be much less of a car crash, if selfish adults would stop trying to force the issue and allow relationships to evolve naturally. Obviously if we are talking very long relationships, where extended step families have seen children grow up and have been a part of each other's lives for a long time, then it would be mean to leave step children out. But a 3 year relationship, where the parents aren't even married? Nope.

I think in matters like this blood or marital status shouldn't matter. If they all lived together, or had grown up together I'd agree with the mum. I think it would be cruel to have known someone their whole life and still see them as other is very sad. However this is mental. They don't know you, they probably barely know each other.

Also at 3 years I'd be reluctant having the partner in the pics let alone his kids in the bridal party.

It's not a car crash for everyone. Stop exaggerating

You should ask them don't involve the parents
If you select one, two .... It is your decision. Obviously the parents want them all to get the job. They are your nieces you ask them they can explain to the step sister pretty sure the kids will be all ok with this you complicating things including parents

I agree when they are older, but not at 11/12. Far too young to get them embroiled in tricky family politics. The parents should decide.

Some things are more important than a bride getting the bridesmaids that they want. If I thought this was going to cause upset for my sister's new family there is no way I would do it.

Not everything has to be sacrificed at the altar of the blended family.

Honeslty Op, they’re not even married. I’d go back and say - why would I have them in the commitment of my wedding when you haven’t even made that commitment yourself.

My niece was my bridesmaid but her step sisters were not. my brother has also now separated from the women so I would have had bridesmaid that I no longer have anything to do with! My niece will always be my niece.