“Husband accused me of an affair” threads… not ATAAT but a question.

[CunningLinguist2]

Is @devoed okay? Threads disappeared & I am rooting hard for her & her kids against the KH.

Really stupid stupid man. Any judge would surely tell him to grow the fuck up
KOKO…

I'm sorry he's being such an idiot. But I'm glad that you are finding time for yourself. Therapy for DC sounds like a good idea. Hope your MP is helpful!

Nope, it didn’t come into it.

@MysticHalfWitch
I am feeling very downtrodden, worse so when i think this is the one life I’ve got.

@Devoed this is not your forever. It’s just your ‘right now’. You’ve still got so much to get through and with him being a spiteful and spineless trail of cat sick it just gets dragged out. This too shall pass and it will all be sorted, and you’ll get the life you deserve.

Speaking from experience the kids will be ok. It’s hard now but they’ll form their own options. They see far more than we give them credit for, and they will see their mum being strong and dignified, their safe space and role model.

You are amazing, you keep that head up and keep going. Better times are coming.

My heart hurts tonight.

KH is getting worse, not better, and he’s trying to control me through DC.

DC are not coping well, I’m dreading the school holidays for them. The prospect of them going abroad without me is weird too.

My poor loves.

Thinking about you. As pp said, this is just your ‘now’. Things WILL get better.
Keep advocating for and having fun with your DC. They’ll pick up on your energy, so make it positive! 💐 🩵

@Devoed I really haven't posted before because there are many wise women giving you excellent advice. However, I just wanted to say you are amazing and you and DC WILL get through it.
As the song says "there may be trouble ahead..."; but you are amazing and I very much hope that you and your DC thrive. They will, at some point, see KH for his worth.
I have a family member who had a "similar-ish" situation. Within a year or two the children made their own decisions about the person "who hurts mum". Life settled down.
Wishing you well.

Thank you all, again. I wish I could explain what is going on but it would be very outing.

I don’t think I’ve said it before, but I am scared of him and what he’s going to do next.

I feel very vulnerable, as are DC.

This sounds scary.
Do you think he is going to harm you?
Do you think he is going to harm the children?
are you speaking to someone (school, police, women’s aid) about these concerns?

I don't know how this works and have no direct experience. But if you have reason to be scared and are then you must log this, preferably with police if you feel that he is likely to do something that is illegal.

I'm so sorry this is so tough.

Oh this is very sad and concerning @Devoed. I hope you are ok. He clearly isn’t averse to making stuff up about you to falsify the narrative and sounds pretty unhinged. Do you have anyone in real life who is supporting you closely?

It’s not physical harm, it’s nothing illegal…it’s just constant conflict and accusations. Control.

Really glad that you’ll don’t feel you and the children are physically at harm. Obviously I don’t know any of the details about what he is doing here now - but knowing your backstory from the many previous threads and the unbelievable lengths he has gone to in the past, it is important that you don’t just ignore, manage or put up with what he is doing. Emotional abuse is a real thing too and living under that (especially when no longer living together) for so long must be exhausting. Are you getting legal advice on how to respond to him? My instinct would be to be logging it all
with the police. I am sure you’ve got a great idea handle on it all. X

Is it verbal abuse or do you have it in writing?

I had it for 5/6 years. Thankfully the kids are older and don’t want to know him anymore. He still tries to control me through them and through assertion of his parental responsibility but his hold has weakened considerably. There’s no quick solution to men like this but every step along the way eases things. And gradually their behaviour forms a pattern that authorities see more easily. Patience, logging things, sticking to a parenting app, never getting drawn in to his attempts to goad, accuse, undermine (grey rock) and time. There’s no getting away from the fact that this will run on for years but it WILL gradually get easier. And remember there are so many of us that know EXACTLY what it’s like for you right now.

Oh I’m sorry that KH is getting even worse, although I didn’t think that was possible from what you’ve written about him previously. KOKO, you’re doing great

This is what it’s like. He won’t communicate with me and is using his PR to control and manipulate. I am having to be hyper vigilant and pre empt everything

I’m sorry that this is still so bad @Devoed. It is exhausting. I’m sure that you are doing all the right things to deal with him. These men just don’t give up unfortunately. Any opportunity to control and manipulate, they will do so. So it’s grey rock, sticking to court orders and giving as little opportunity as possible for interaction.

I remember the anxiety xh triggered so well. I’m sure that I have ptsd from it all because I can still get easily anxious. My DCs were teens when we divorced so could decide when to see their dad so there was little he could do to use them … although he tried. He used the divorce though and then maintenance to try to control and manipulate. When maintenance stopped, it really helped to make me feel distance from him and his games and I choose when to respond and when not to now without the crippling anxiety I felt about how to respond before.

It just feels like there is no end in sight.

I feel like he’s using the court order to control me, manipulating any grey areas to suit himself.

I am utterly exhausted and DC are struggling so much…I think we’re in the hardest bit now

We are all rooting for you @Devoed.

You would like to think his vindictiveness would be running low by now…… I’m sorry this stage is so hard

I'm so sorry, Devoed. I hope things start to get easier soon. It is terrible that his behaviour is causing problems for DC.

Is nobody supporting you with this? Solicitor?

My solicitor is very good at calling him out but nothing can make him back down or stop trying. It’s also pricey sending yet more letters when we do have an order in place.

Unsurprisingly, he is less on it with his finances!