Husband says he is a trans woman and wants to tell our children

[Swampdweller]

I’ve not spoken to a single living human about this…

My husband of 20+ years has always been honest with me that he enjoyed dressing as a woman, and I’ve been tolerant, even supportive, of some aspects as long as I don’t need to be involved and it’s never in our house.

He’s now told me he wants to be his authentic self and has been to the GP as he felt on the edge of a breakdown. He told me he is a trans woman and wants to live as we currently do, but with him having the freedom to dress how he wishes. Recently he’s been growing his nails and shaping them, and leaving ‘Sure for women’ deodorant in his stuff. This gives me a massive ick and I’ve felt it’s almost micro-aggressions to make me ‘agree’ to everything.

Tomorrow he has decided to tell our two teenage boys about it and wants me to be supportive. I think they will be kind but shocked.

I am beside myself on some levels. And veer between rage and despair. What do I want, I don’t know. He will not leave the house, I know that. His mum is late 80s and not local. I have savings and work part-time. I can’t leave my children. I do love him and if we had a larger spare room it would be easier to just live separately and let things happen gradually. He isn’t sure about hormone treatment yet. Which I don’t trust to be honest. He has told me he wants his cake and to eat it. I’ve said ‘it’s been great’, meaning any intimacy is out of the question. Has anyone else been through this? Will it always result in more? It has moved to this from just being a carrier bag in the back of the wardrobe. I’m frightened and sad.

So many people on this thread not giving a shiny shite about the actual women affected. No wonder the OP hasn’t come back. She’s not going to have been given a very good impression of the help available from “feminists”. But then of course, many people have an interest in scaring trans widows away from mumsnet.

Thankfully it’s a teeny tiny minority
who go about on mumsnet screeching to the void
and get…. No where

Hi @Swampdweller. I hope you’re ok.

OP if you’re still reading, he is first and foremost a father and needs to put his teens first. The fact that he isn’t doing this says everything!!
Listen to Dr Az Hakeem if you want to learn more about the psychology of middle aged men declaring a trans identity. In fact, I’d recommend everyone listens to him as he is an expert on this subject.
Too many kind hearted women are feeding the devastation that comes with men declaring they are trans. If you listen to the gender experts you might find that it is not kind to feed into the delusion. We all want people to live as their authentic selves but since when did that involve plastic surgery and hormones. Surely that is the antithesis of being your authentic self.
What I have noticed over the last couple of years is that so called gender critical experts such as Stella O’Malley & Az Hakeem will talk to anyone on this subject but gender affirming experts such as those at private gender clinics will only speak to those who hold the same view as them - and who become their lifelong patients.
i Hope you are ok OP. It is shocking what is being asked of you and your boys.

Many posters have given her very good advice. On divorce, gaslighting, facts on AGP….

Others don’t understand what’s happening to the OP. There are others only concerned about the man and his feelings and how the OP should “be kind.”

What is your advice to her? We are allowed to debate the issue without going into the specifics.

Someone hasn’t bothered to read the thread

@TinselAngel

Yes I have.

And yet you appear to have failed to grasp the dozens and dozens and dozens of post not debating a damn thing but instead giving advice

For many relationship issues on here people will generalise,people are rightfully trying to warn the OP about how this will probably go, just like they do on every single thread where a man states he isn't in love anymore or starts to pick fault with everything she does. The majority of comments will generalise and cite 'the script' and tell the OP what to expect.

The issue is that when it comes to this particular issue it is often hijacked by people with an agenda to try to normalise this and make women accept this when they don't want to.

We do not see that on threads where it looks like the man is cheating because there is no agenda in society to try to get women to accept this from men.

So therefore we see the generalisations but it doesn't descend into debate.

Im referring to the people rehashing the trans debate.

more important to you all

nonsense if you’d bothered to actually read the thread @TinselAngel

As is often the case, the first comment nailed it.

No.

If he wants this it will come with consequences and they are divorce and leaving the family home.

You have a choice, OP. You do not have to bend to what he wants in the slightest. His manipulations and micro aggressions are no longer your concern.

Let him go and be whatever he wants to be.

You do not owe him being dragged down with him.

He has made it quite clear that he is prepared to put himself first so don't let him guilt you for doing the same. Let him go and be there for your kids, and yourself.

@Swampdweller

How are things going?

How are you getting on Swamp? Has he spoken to your DC?

I disagree

It is out in the open now. Even if he does sweep under the carpet, the Op knows

and it’ll only be a matter of time anyway

so the marriage is over and the Op should make a fresh start now

Have you quoted the wrong comment because I WAS telling her to bin him off!

You said you agree with

Just tell him no.
And if he doesn't like it:, he'll have to leave.

and I disagree

no matter what he says, it’s only a matter of time. It’s over

So if you do agree with that, then you and I disagree

I think we've read that comment very differently.

OP stated that she 'know he won't leave the house'.

I read that comment as 'No (to supporting him) and of you pop'

Either way, I hope OP does tell him to feck right off.

He's clearly only interested in himself and it's not going to change.

Whatever the scenario - he has to leave
there is no scenario in my mind where he doesn’t need to leave

Sending hugs and support OP.
What a mess and yet you are being brave for your boys. 💐🌻
Please do not underestimate the enormity of this situation for them and please look at how your ex DH is not putting their interests first. What you showcase to them as acceptable in a relationship is important both as how they should treat a partner and what they should and should not accept from a partner. I say this because I feel you are not going to put yourself first at the moment but I feel when you think about it you will put them first.
Get good advice re a divorce from a qualified person and remember you can get more than 50% of assets.
If you have to share a house right now ensure you are not sharing a bedroom.
Absolutely tell close friends and family, you need support and advice, he is trying to isolate you.

Sending you lots of e-hugs OP. Nobody ever wanted this dilemma.

It’s not trans hate, it’s love and support for the women who also don’t want it in their lives
100% yes, this support has nothing to do with hate and everything to do with listening to the women and children this impacts in such a massive way when the rest of the world is telling you to be kind, be open-minded, and celebrate your husbands stunning and brave slide into fetish and delusion.
So sorry OP. And hugs to your boys. I have teenage boys and I hate to think.
I really would tell hubby to find alternate accommodation, and give him a week to get out.
Also the advise to get copies of all financial docs is solid.
You have done nothing wrong.