Trans Widows' Escape Committee 6: The Next Generation

[TinselAngel]

Welcome to thread 6.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for a reason.

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

The main event this year outisde the thread will hopefully be the release of Vaishnavi Sundar's film about Trans Widows- Behind the Looking Glass

If you would like to donate to help Vaishnavi finish the project, details are here:

Please feel free to say "Hi" below, even if you are not a trans widow, to start the thread off.

I’m so sorry to read your story. I’m the mother of one of these men and my heart breaks for the wives going through this pain. It is completely heartbreaking for you. I can only say that your pain will ease when you separate and you start to move on. What I’ve found is, I’m getting used to the situation so it’s not so awful.

I have three grandchildren and I’ve been so worried about them but actually they’re doing ok. Their mother has moved away to be closer to her parents, which has helped things. Sending much love and strength. ❤️💪

Thanks @Groutyonehereagain I'm pleased that things are working out for your family, especially the grand kids. They are the most important in all of this.
I can see a positive future for myself and the kids. I'm hopeful that we can still co-parent amicably. He is my best friend. I just feel like I am holding a hand grenade and about to pull the pin and completely change everything for the four of us.
I know it is actually he who has changed everything, but at no point has he said (as I think I would have if roles were reversed): I understand if this means we can't go on as a couple. I feel he has unfairly put the onus on me.

You must put yourself and your kids first. He will get endless support from the trans community, whereas the families are left floundering. After years of being a couple I know it’s very difficult for you to step away from caring about him but this is what you have to do. Bluntly, he’s no longer your best friend. He’s putting yourself and his kids through hell. I’m sorry you’re facing this.

He is the one responsible for changing everything, not you. When my son first declared he was a transwoman he thought he could just carry on living in the family home but in the spare room. These men are delusional about the situation they have caused.

Thanks for your kind words and yes to the delusion! He seems to think we can continue like this indefinitely. He says nothing has changed as he hasn't transitioned (yet?) and is reluctant to go about in public dressed as a woman. He feels trapped and cries about it most days.
We have hardly talked about it really. I think I'm still processing everything he has told me. Every couple of weeks there's another revelation. I'm frustrated with myself at not having had the break up conversation already, although I have hinted as much.
For me, everything has changed. We haven't been physical since it's all come out other than hugs and he did kiss me recently and it just felt so weird and so wrong. Like he was playing the part of a woman. But he is not a woman. I'm not attracted to him anymore. It's like we are housemates with kids. All the plans I thought we had for the future are just gone. Total headf*ck.

All these years doing this and it still infuriates me how women like us have been stitched up by this ideology. In any similar situation, I bet you wouldn't hesitate to seek advice from close friends and family, but in this situation you have to worry about "outing" him. Its a clever way of keeping control, and its in no way like the origins of the phrase with gay people, as nobody these days is going to beat him up or remove his children from him. I remember being in exactly the same situation.

You should seek support from trusted friends and family like he has. Its the only way of getting through this. And you don't have to be supportive of him, again remove the trans identification and nobody would expect it of you.

I don't think there is any easy way to break up, or any easy way to have these conversations. You can't and shouldn't feel you have to make it easy for him. I broke the news by putting the house on the market, but this strategy might not be for every one!

Imagine a future when you are no longer his support human and he is unable to make increasingly unreasonable demands on you. Its a far better future than the alternative, I can assure you.

Your kids will be confused but I don't see how you can help that. Modelling boundaries for them does help I think.

I'm sorry that you are going through this, but you will be OK 💐

God your description of him is infuriating. Moping around and crying over something that is entirely his fault. If he feels trapped maybe he should fuck off. (Sorry I have a great deal of sympathy for you and your children and zero for him).

This dynamic you describe of increasingly regular revelations is hugely detrimental to your mental health. It keeps you in fight or flight all the time. When I was there my physical health started to suffer as a result.

What you describe about him playing the part of the woman is something that many trans widows describe their exes doing, particularly in the bedroom (less so with the house work and the childcare of course) and it is hugely emotionally damaging.

Thanks @TinselAngel . A lot of what you say strikes a chord with me. I actually told a friend yesterday. She knew some of it (the autism and depression) but not the trans stuff.
She encouraged me to look at the positives and maybe even use that in explaining my position to him. That is, that separating will be better for all of us. He will have space to do whatever, and the kids and I will have peace and, as you note, be out of this fight or flight cycle.
It's just gathering the courage now to have the conversation. Thanks for your comments and support, it makes me feel like I have a small but mighty army behind me. 😘

I’m glad you feel that way as I appreciate these days my advice can be quite robust.

Hi @IndigoRising26
I did start out trying for an amicable and civil break.
I said I needed time to decide what this announcement meant for me, which sowed the seeds that I might not stay.
I absolutely had to tell friends and family as I'm the kind of person that solves my problems that way. I'd choose a few trusted people to tell and get their support. You could also speak to a counsellor or even Samaritans if you're in the UK. They can listen and you don't have to be suicidal or in crisis to just talk about a problem.
I'd think about the time and place you want to tell him, including thinking about your teens at that time. And decide to do it. You can be calm and reasonable. It might be worth thinking through your legal/financial/housing options and decisions first too so that you can lay out to him how this might work.
So arguing why you aren't staying is fairly straightforward. You can reassure that you want an amicable break, co-parenting etc but its a deal breaker for you.
I wonder if you're worrying that his low mood means you'll be putting him at risk some way, or isolating him? He is unlikely to have reached this point without internet research where he will have found a vast world of support.
You might want to tell his parents first, if you have a good relationship, so that they can support him.
You talk about needing courage to do this. Are you worried he will be angry? Hold on to the core truth that he has the hand grenade in his hand, not you. My ex blew our lives apart. I then divorced him and it broke up the family but the responsibility belongs to these men, not the women trying to hold everyone together as the bomb goes off.

Thanks @socialworker222 . I didn't realise that the Samaritans can help with non-crisis stuff. I found out today that I can get some counselling through my work possibly so I may do that. I've found that Citizen's Advice can offer practical advice on separation (we are not married) so I plan to make an appointment with them.
I do wonder/worry how the news is going to go down. He is very depressed at the moment and potentially about to lose his job. I have asked him if he thinks about harming himself and he says no, but I do worry about that.
On the other hand, he can be unreasonable. Not violent, but not great at seeing things from someone else's point of view. He seems to think my love for him should be unconditional and I expect him to be quite surprised when I tell him that actually it's a deal breaker.
I think you're right, I just need to pick my moment and say it quite plainly. I don't want to get dragged into a debate with him and give him an opportunity to later throw back things that I have said, completely taken out of context.
I do get on with his family and I have wondered about giving them a heads up. His Mum seems very confused but his Dad has reached out to me offering support. Maybe worth a word with his Dad. My own parents don't know the full story, but they would have my back if I just told them we are separating.
I'm sorry to hear you say your ex blew your lives apart and divided the family. That sounds incredibly difficult. Like you, I am aiming for an amicable split but, also like you I suspect, I will be able to get through it if things go sideways. I hope you are doing really well now.
It's quite freeing, this gradual letting go and ignoring his drama.
I keep daydreaming about how easy life is going to be when I just have me and the kids to worry about. I mean, I know it won't be a picnic (especially financially), but honestly just being able to dump all his emotional baggage is going to feel incredible.

It’s usually us that have to pull the plug. I’m not really sure why. They tend to assume we will put up with it and accept an entirely changed relationship, wholly on their terms.

It's hard but eventually very freeing. You can focus on your kids (men doing this rarely do as the focus is Project Me) and then your own life and future. I can't begin to imagine how it would have been had I stayed married to mine, as he transitioned in our home. No amount of money worries, exhaustion and carrying everything myself was worse than having to deal with and watch that unfold.

You will probably feel great relief when you tell him your position. I hope so. My life is really good now and I have no regrets about going it alone.
Other people can support him. You will have your kids to look after. It can be really hard for them. Lining up the practical stuff helped me (legal, house, financial) as did lots of supportive people including the unique sanctuary of this forum.

I'm so pleased it's all worked out for you @socialworker222 . I'm in full researching mode now and have a handle on the legal/property stuff and the specific order in which we will need to do things.
I am gradually letting in a few more trusted friends to the whole story and their support is actually incredible. I have been constantly questioning myself and wondering if I am not being understanding or compassionate towards him and my friends are all like "Wtaf??!!". Good to know my reaction is understandable.
I still need to have 'the talk' with him, but I already feel relief and am now so done with it all.
Thanks so much to everyone who has interacted with my posts. It means the world to me to have people on my side. That said, it simultaneously infuriates me that any of us should find ourselves in this position. It's a total headf*ck.
In a way, I wouldn't change a thing because I have these two amazing kids from our life together, but in another way I do wish I hadn't been lied to for the past 26 years (but then I wouldn't have these kids who are my world).
I'm also conscious that children learn by example and, although separation is going to be tricky, we will all be better off.

Well done. You're doing so well and this is exactly the way to approach it, as calm as you cab, lining up your ducks, putting your kids first and getting out. Re. setting an example to kids, I wanted mine to know that women don't have to stay in these situations (those with trapping financial/housing/childcare issues are of course less fortunate). I also wanted my daughter to grow up with a healthy sense of what it is to be a woman, not the version my ex believes is representative. I too sit between anger that he took many good years of my life while lying to me, and having my now-adult children who, like you, are everything and whose joyous existence can ease the pain of anger and regret a bit. So glad you've told some friends. Despite the ongoing public/media celebration of this stuff, so many people around me also went wtf? 😁

It’s great to read your update @IndigoRising26 , you are doing brilliantly.

I have refused to allow my son to give me the script they have. He’s tried repeatedly to get me on my own, so he can talk to me. He’s apparently given up now, so we have a sort of truce. I see him because I need to see my grandchildren.

He does a lot of complaining about his wife, saying he’s spent his marriage being forced by her, to be something he’s not. How he’s managed to turn this around is baffling. I have immense compassion for his wife and I feel guilty that my child has done this to someone.

Do not underestimate the script
It is written from the point of view of the transgender person expecting unconditional love from family..The partner is considered lacking in reasoning: saying no to the initial revelation but by the day after forgetting so the transitioner can systematically progress. The partner becomes a secondary mother figure. The way the script is written is truly chilling, considering every objection/ question a partner could ask and the suggested response.

We are now reconciled and friends again. Elder daughter was away 6 years, younger 3.

Does it get better, does one get over the betrayal? Finally sold the house and now live alone, however barely function some days, lots of therapies but don't feel it's helping much.

It does get better but it takes time. I still feel the experience as a wound which takes me by surprise at times. It remains an unusual and difficult story to tell other people (like new men I've dated) and you are right, the secrecy and betrayal runs deep. Plus talking about it to friends years later feels tedious for them. But I focus on how much better our life is without dealing with his transition, and the peace I now have. I've found filling my life with lovely things (friends, activities, meaningful work) has greatly helped. Do you have good social support?

I am so sorry to hear your story. Lots of hugs and support. The sooner you are out of this relationship the better. Its been a year since I decided to separate and it still hurts and there hasn't been a single day that I haven't cried or self pitied myself. I wouldnt say life has become easy for me but there is less of everyday stress which was there being in each other's space everyday. 10 months separated and I still struggle mentally because I loved him so much. But hopefully like others here have mentioned the hurt and pain will lessen with time. Hope it all works out the way you want xxx

I made a thread and someone said to come here, so I've copied and pasted over.
Hi all, looking for advice. My husband crossdresser, he told me before we got married, but I didn't realise the extent of it/thought it was just a silly thing. We've been married now for a couple of months and it seems to be spiralling,with him buying stuff online and wanting to remove body hair, he says it's a compulsion and he just needs to do it every now and then and things seem to be escalating not just with the crossdressing but things in the bedroom seem to be getting a bit, unusual, wanting p*ing and him doing stuff to one of the very anotmically correct "toys" he's bought. He used to be in a relationship with a trans female years ago also. When I write it all down it sounds insane, like how have I been so blind to not see that he's clearly got some sexuality/gender issues. Outside of all this stuff he's a wonderful husband and father, honestly couldn't credit him enough on that front, but it is affecting my attraction to him and making me worry that one day he's going to say he's gay or trans and the whole marriage has been a sham. I don't know much about the crossdressing scene or anything so if I've used to the wrong words or come across rude about it I don't mean to, I'm just not sure how to word things properly! Has anyone got any experience with this? Everything I'm reading online makes it sound like it's just a step on the way to full blown transitioning and it's inevitable.
I should add that he says he's not trans but maybe bisexual

Hi, I’m so sorry to read your post. You’re in an awful relationship, which if you stay in won’t end well.

I’m the mother of one of these men and although he claims to love his DC he definitely doesn’t put them first. Unfortunately their obsessions take over and that becomes their priority.

Your husband is definitely not prioritising you, your relationship or your children. My advice is to get out now. 💐

So once he removes the body hair and follows other ' modifications' to help him crossdress quicker, but still looks more female than male afterwards...how long before you decide his womanly side is not your physical attraction? The script is simple. He keeps doing things little by little and you will eventually give up commenting. It is called the How to boil a frog' method. Put the frog in cold water, it does not notice the water getting warmer....
That is the point I should have got out. But I was concerned about his mental health, so assisted in him ' trying to understand himself' never realising he was using a preordained script to undermine me.
Only you know how much you and your children can put up with.

Apart from the sex part, I could have written your exact post 25 years ago.

Our experience (the women on this thread and the TWV website) is that this inevitably escalates. I do wonder if now there’s less social capital in transitioning, fewer of them will go that far, but I wouldn’t bank on it.

Do you want to, at best, spend your life with a fetishistic cross dresser who you will not be able to trust to be honest about the extent of his addiction? My ex was also a great father and husband, until he wasn’t.

I can’t be positive about the future with such a man but I can tell you, that you have a choice and if you don’t want to be part of that world you don’t have to.

When you say he was in a relationship with a “trans female” what do you mean?

I’d advise definitely making some honest decisions before you have children with him.