Name changed for this post. I’ll start by saying I’ve read enough similar posts in the past that I know responses will probably be ‘this is abuse’, or that ‘I should leave’ and I’m prepared for that. I’m really only writing this as I feel so lonely and utterly miserable, and can’t talk to many people IRL and could do with getting out of my head and written down.
Following a falling out on Monday morning, my husband is giving me the silent treatment. We are now on day 4 and I don’t know how I’ll cope if it goes on much longer. This isn’t new behaviour, but it never gets easier to deal with. If it was me advising someone else I’d tell them to try and talk to him, reason with him, explain how it’s making you feel, however I just can’t as I know it will get worse or potentially prolong this episode.
On day 1 I matched his behaviour and just went about my business, kept myself busy and generally avoided him, but I always feel that I’m stooping to his level, and that it makes the atmosphere even worse. I’ve now switched to being polite, reasonable, pretending to be cheery when around him (then being in tears as soon as I’m alone) trying to make everyday conversation etc, to no avail. I feel as if the man I love and who says he loves me, hates me. It is honestly one of the worst feelings in the world. If you’ve never experienced it, it’s so hard to explain - it makes me feel hyper-conscious of my actions, but at the same time I just want to completely disappear. I walked down the street earlier and was just wishing I was invisible as I felt so vulnerable. Not sure if that makes any sense.
I know you won’t believe it, but when he isn’t being like this, he has so many fantastic qualities (hence why I married him) and we have a great life and loads of fun, run a business together and feel solid. I honestly don’t think I want to end my marriage, but at times like this he feels like a very cruel stranger.
The general consensus is that this type of behaviour is about control, but I don’t know if I believe that in our case. He freely admits he has big problems with expressing emotion or understanding others emotions (he calls himself an emotional robot). He had a terrible childhood and very damaging relationship with his (now deceased) parents. I’ve suggested therapy several times and he says he thinks he is so damaged he is beyond help. I really do believe that this behaviour stems from not having any emotional tools to deal with expressing any kind of negative feeling. He just retreats into himself and shuts down. That doesn’t make it OK though.