Raising a childs self esteem

[user1478639495]

My 9 year old has the lowest self esteem and self worth I’ve ever seen, extremely low confidence, I fear he’s picked some of this up from myself but I’ve been trying extremely hard to improve myself and not show any of this to him or let him hear me talk down about myself which I’ve never spoke about myself in a negative way in front of him anyway.

i see these things online that prove they can help the latest one being called legends. Has anyone tried these things do they work?

I brought him a confidence book few years back he refused to
do it after one page saying he knows what I’m doing and he’s not doing it.

I try so hard to praise him up and tell him his strengths etc but he lets people walk all over him, he says he not the popular boy at school his class mates all say he’s rubbish at xyz and he takes it. I hate it. He’s 9, he needs to get stronger and be tougher in life.

he is extremely resilient and brave he has so many strengths that he doesn’t see or refuses to believe.

so my question is has anyone had a child like this and has over come it? Any ideas of what I can do to help him get more confidence and self worth. Tia

Usually braveness and resilience go hand in hand with good esteem. Good self esteem doesn't mean that you thonk youre good or bad at something, it means you accept and are comfortable with yourself despite not being good at everything... imo anyway...

Can you tell us more about what is bothering you?

It also might be really beneficial to work on your own self esteem first as hes watching you and learning all the time...

Building a child’s confidence often has a few layers. Building competence is a big one- letting them do things and persevere. That can be tough but ultimately being told you’re good at things doesn’t build confidence in the same way as seeing that you’re good at things. Practicing assertiveness at home, and letting them be assertive at home can help too. It may be he won’t ever be stronger or tougher and maybe his softness is his superpower. I’m an ex-teacher and counsellor, plus mum of three and have been through these struggles with one of my own. It’s so hard seeing them struggle with confidence when you know how amazing they are.

When he says he knows what you are doing so he's not doing it, I'd ask, 'What am I doing?' and very gently push him to reconsider rejecting it.
If he says, 'Trying to make me feel better?' ask, 'What's wrong with that? Why would we not want to make you feel better? What is the problem with it?'

You might say you understand it makes him feel a bit self conscious, but it is so helpful to practise identifying the different kinds of negative thinking, and reason his way through them with self-compassion.

You could say, "Yes, we both know what this book is for. It was published for a reason. To help children who are too self-critical learn healthy behaviour.'

Or you could look for some good youthful influencers online. Check out their content first to make sure it stays suitable.

I might tell him a tiny bit about psychology to put it in context. Just say, you can train your mind, just like you can train your body. In fact leading sports people do both. They don't just train their bodies to be the strongest and fastest, they train their minds to believe in themselves completely.

You could find quotes online from any sports people he admires.

Point out that if he doesn't try to feel better about himself, it could impact his life - he might feel sadder, find it harder to make friends, get good jobs etc. So why not try. Offer him a bribe. Ask him to do some work on his self esteem with you for a month and at the end offer a reward that interests him. then another month, another appealing reward. After about three months, he should start seeing it is worthwhile for its own sake.

I wrote an essay above, but one of the most empowering things is just to say, 'I know you can handle it!' It proves you don;t think your DS needs to be saved all the time, and that he can solve his own problems.

But I'd balance this with being there if he does need help (eg if he is bullied) Because that too is a self-esteem issue. Show him he is someone worth fighting for. That you see him, see what he needs and when those needs can't be met by him alone, you will support him.

I wish I knew the answer to this, because you’re not alone. My eldest (8) is the same, very down on himself.

I do think some of it for mine is attention seeking, because when he says negative things about himself I will focus on him and try to support him, and I will stop what I’m doing to do so. So I’m trying to ignore the negative self-talk.

One quite empowering thing, if other boys bully him, is to help him learn to judge them for how they are behaving rather than himself for what they are saying.

Ask: 'what do you think of them when they say that?' and 'what words would you use to describe that sort of comment?'
Mean, bullying, ride, unkind etc.

Then ask: 'Would you feel really proud of yourself if you were mean, bullying rude and unkind to others?'

He will probably say no. Then you can say, 'Hmm. You really don't need to respect the opinion of people who behave in a way you think is rude and unkind.'

He will probably say 'But they have loads of friends.'

All you can say to that is: 'Maybe. But you know how mean they are. You want to be popular, of course, but you don't really want friends who are cruel. It's better to play with kinder children or on your own until you get to know some nicer children.'

And point out to him that the less he cares what they say, the less interest they will have in saying it.

I have struggled with low esteem and attribute it to a v difficult childhood - absent dad (did see him but he never listened or made me feel valued) and mentally ill mum who had v low self esteem, as did my DSD. Have overcome it to some extent. My Dsis once said the reason we both had low confidence was because we were never listened to, there is something in that, being really listened to, made to feel yoir view counts. What is the root? There is always a root…

Apart from the obvious - new clubs, challenges etc - counselling can really help. As you say shield him from your own doubts. I remember hearing my mum and DSD talking about how low their confidence was and how scared they were of people and it was hard. Hopefully it is a phase OP. You sound like a great mum.

What are his strengths? What are his interests?
Self confidence and self esteem can definitely be developed. People can easily chip away at it eg his mates telling him he's rubbish at xyz. But it's not something that you or a book can give him. That is fake and feels fake. He has to develop it for himself. That involves mastery - ie taking risks, working hard on a thing and getting better at it. It doesn't really matter what the thing is. Could be acedemic, sport, drama, an entrepreneurial endeavour, an instrument, the ability to make people laugh, working with animals, something altruistic for charity... He needs to feel that he's put effort in and got result out. He just needs one thing in one narrow area to start and then hopefully the effects snowball through all areas of his life.

Find something they can be good at and achieve something, whether it be art, crafts, karate, music, sports etc. I joined Foster Don up to karate and he loved earning the coloured belts. I also signed him up to football and cricket to learn about teamwork, trampolining and Cubs then when older Scouts. He's much better now but still on the reserved side. He now knows how to join in with group activities.

I agree with the other posters. Think about how you can talk to him differently and get him involved in extra curriculars.

What are his classmates saying he’s rubbish at?

Do look at how you praise him. Over praise will sound hollow so be careful not to be overly enthusiastic about every little achievement.

I would say self esteem and confidence go hand in hand. A drama class ?