How much say should parents have over others using diminutives

[Namiemcnameface]

If you call your child something that has a variety of shortenings, how much control do you think you should have over the use of particular diminutives by others?

For example if you have a Robert, and took to calling him Bobby, but then other family members/care givers/friends end up calling him Rob, Robbie, Bob, Bertie etc.

It was just a hypothetical eg.

They’ll never admit it, but I feel like some people do this on purpose as some sort of bizarre control thing or to be petty. It’s like once they find out that the parents don’t like a certain diminutive (or don’t want the name to be shortened at all), they’ll suddenly insist on shortening the child’s name constantly. It’s almost like they have the attitude of I’m going to call your child this because I know that it irritates you, and there’s nothing you can do about it. It’s obnoxious behaviour and very childish, honestly.

Never make it obvious that you don’t like a certain diminutive of your child’s name or don’t want it to be shortened.

The parents are the ones who chose the name. They know better than anyone else what their baby’s name is and what their baby should be called. They have full say until the baby is old enough to express an opinion. The other family members are free to have their own children and call them what they’d like. You do not get to essentially rename someone else’s baby (as diminutives often become permanent).

I agree completely. My relative was batshit. As they got to know me, the 'diminutive' was dropped.

I think they had a point in that the name they called me was nicer than my given name, but to do it because they didn't like my parents' choice was weird and probably a control thing.

A friend's DD has a name with two obvious shortenings (e.g. Matilda/Tilly/Tilda) and when someone whether she'd be Tilly or Tilda they were corrected to the full name. The parents decided on another 'diminutive' and the baby was soon Molly and has been known as Molly ever since and is only Matilda on her BC.

(The names are examples, not the actual ones.)

Mixed bag of responses. I'm personally a path of least resistance type. Doesn't feel like there's any point falling out over it.

Family chat has moved on now. Think the parents won this round, but it has been stated that once baby is out in the world they're going to have to unclench. They disagree.

Ironically this is the 10th grandchild (none with the same name though as someone suggested!) and last year before birth the parents announced they didn't like what all the other children call the maternal grandparents and that their children will be calling them something else and it wasn't negotiable. The names they go by (and have done for about 20 years) were originally chosen to help differentiate them from the other grandparents...déjà vu! But that's completely different, apparently.

Anyway, thank you for your responses, I do enjoy a good debate when I'm not the one emotionally invested 🤣

If a child is called Beth by her parents , you should call her that too. It's not fair to use a different name even if that name is on her birth certificate. Teachers will say Beth.

If they are new parents (in your OP) who have chosen eg Robert but you call him
Bobby, yet other family members decide to call him Bertie, I think that’s bizarre.

When they are older and at school/with friends then other names emerge but deliberately using different names than the parents for a new baby is just dickish.

@Shinyandnew1 they are the latest first time parents in our clan yup. Baby isn't called Bobby was just using that as an example. The name isn't changing quite as extremely as Bobby to Bertie but it is a name with lots of options so was trying to use a similar example.

I think it depends on the nickname as well.

So for example, if you have a baby called Jessica and the parents call her Jess, I think they’d be a little weird to be upset if a grandparent sometimes said Jessie.
But if you have a baby called Elizabeth and the parents call her Lizzie, it would be weird for a grandparent to decide to use Beth.

@WhatAMarvelousTune Very true. Including the example of Bobby to Bertie above probably wasn't the best as that's quite a big leap and wasn't what originally was happening. It was more akin to Robert being affectionately called Bobby and then someone asking for an update on Robbie and being shut down rapidly.

Yes it might happen when older but understandable that you wouldn't want it coming from family whilst they're still v fresh.

Over the course of the chat pretty much every possible diminutive got brought up, even ones you might not have realised were linked (like how I've recently learned that Daisy and Maisie can be short for Margaret!). Would have been a good debate if it didn't include sleep deprived, emotional people getting very upset that anyone would dare attempt to do anything other than what they were explicitly told.

Naming a baby is the parents choice. That includes abbreviations/nickmames. However, unless you are with family a lot of the time, you just gently correct. 'Silly Grandad's calling you the wrong name/nickname again' until the kid is old enough to choose. Or until a random nickname emerges eg Simon loves Biscuits and becomes Biscuitbaby . . .And suddenly you are calling your child Bisco for years!

@Justmadesourkraut right?! My kid is currently known as Mayo. Nothing to do with his actual name in the slightest! Doesn't even share any of the same letters 🤣

When one of mine was small she couldn't say her full name and the abbreviation she used was cute for a 2-3-4 year old. One close relative still calls her that when she's a teenager, even though they have been told that she does not like it any more. I feel that is disrespectful, but the relative sees it as being affectionate.

Your best way IMO is to say 'This is Bobby' when he is introduced to people.
They can then ask if he has a middle name, then you could say 'His full name is Robert William Robson but he'll be known as Bobby'.

@Orchidgrower ahh grandparents! Mine called me by my full birth certificate name no matter what anyone said and eventually I was told off for being disrespectful in correcting them. So just put up with it.

I never use my full name and eventually changed it legally to the shortening I've basically gone by since birth. Only very recently found out mum much preferred the long name and wanted it to be the only one people used, but so many people shortened it she gave up.

I think it depends on the child’s age and if they have expressed a preference themselves. My son is 3 and has a name that is commonly shortened, but because we prefer the full version we only ever call him that. As a result he will only turn around if someone says his full first name because he has no idea that the short version is supposed to be his name. He is autistic and has very limited functional language, so he cannot explain to people himself that he prefers his full name. So I do ask people not to call him the short version because he won’t respond to it. I would be a bit annoyed if people ignored me and kept calling him by the short version anyway, because I know he doesn’t like it and just can’t tell them himself. If when he’s older he decides to use the shortened version, that’s his decision and I should have no say at all.

I only have one child with an obvious shortening or nickname type name (think Robert- Bob, Bobbie, Rob) and funnily enough everyone in the family just sticks to his full name. But sports clubs have often shortened it and that can be helpful when there are other Roberts in the team. He becomes Rob at rugby but Bobby at tennis for example. He’s happy being called whatever… once a child is old enough o have an opinion, theirs is the only one that matters tbh.
@Namiemcnameface those family members changing the grandparents names are ridiculous. My parent became Gran and Grandad when the first grandchild was born and that is what they have to be called by all
future grandchildren!!! Surely that only makes sense.

With family - you have some control. Once they are at school - much less so.

When they are babies and toddlers - complete say.

once they go to school - it’s up to their pals 100%

Good luck with that. My parents gave us all names that they thought couldn't be shortened and guess what.....

@AgnesX They get lengthened? That's what happens with my brothers and my children! My daughter is called the full version of her shortened name even though it's not even on her birth certificate 🤣

You have no say. My parents deliberately chose a name that they felt could not be shortened.
My university mates shortened it 😂

Ultimately the child is going to choose for themselves and neither the parents nor grandparents will get a say in it. But if the parents announce the birth as ‘Elizabeth to be known as Betty’ and GPs randomly start calling the baby Liz that’s not on.

Hilarious. All of ours have ended up with a different nickname to the one we (DH/I) use. One child in particular, we said we utterly hated one possible nickname, terrible, guess what every single person other than us calls them….. They have no issue with it, just shrug and say that’s everyone’s name for them, they don’t mind, but makes my teeth itch. You have zero control once they get to school, zero, so all the early ‘sweating it’ over such matters seems laughable in retrospect.

One of my friends named her child the diminutive because she didn’t like the full name and the poor child has spent his whole life explaining it (My full name is Micky, it’s not short for anything!)
My other friend insisted from birth that no diminutives should ever be used (his name is Michael!) and spent a lot of time correcting people. Said child now answers to everything but his full name (Mick, Micky, Mitch etc) and she’s gutted because she hates all of them.