My kids keep saying I have a fat tummy

[Coldcoffeekindamorning]

DC are 6 and 4. Wore a jumpsuit today as its bloody hot and when I took DC to the toilet in a cafe, I went for a pee too. My 4 years old pipes up "Mum have you got a baby in your tummy its so fat?" And then my 6 year old echos. I say that it's not nice to ask that question and explain that women's bodies are different from children's especially once they've had children. I tell them I'm proud of my body because I grew them both and everyone body looks different.

Inside though I feel awful. My BMI is around 25 so I am a healthy weight but I do have a small pot belly. I eat healthy, I fast, I exercise but after having 2 kids and finding it very hard to exercise after birth injuries (try 2 years healing and £384884844 of physio for my last child).

I've worked so hard to get back to a size 10 and I still feel shit about myself.My OH says that I look good but kids dont lie do they? They say what they see. Not really AIBU but I do feel so deflated and shit about myself.

No child wants a coathanger for a mother!

I’d have explained to them it’s rude to comment on other people’s bodies. Which it is.

My DS once asked a woman on the beach if she had a baby in her belly- she had a fantastic figure and abs galore! We walked past a very much pregnant lady a few minutes before, so I think the thought just lingered. I agree children ‘say what they see’ but they don’t always see accurately! Don’t let the thought fester, I’m sure you’re beautiful as you are.

Uncalled for. Some women like to be lean. I do and my child wants me, I can assure you.

Try not to take offence, children speak as they find and need to be trained to understand social niceties. They also don't attach negative associations to things like fat as we do.

You handled it well, but you need to believe what you say - that you're proud of your body for what its achieved. Sometimes our bodies change and that can be difficult to accept, but you're still the same person. Keep your focus on being healthy.

I'm 5'5", size 10ish, BMI of about 22 but both my children were 10lb+ whoppers and my stomach has never recovered (and likely never will). Not only do I have a lovely, flabby C section 'shelf', but I also have lots of loose skin from being stretched to bursting twice, that no amount of diet or exercise is going to improve.

My kids like to say 'mummy can I wobble your tummy?'. They find it funny and kind of comforting I guess? Personally I am beyond giving a fuck. The rest of me is still in fairly good nick and I scrub up pretty well in spanx and some lippy.

Whenever my kids point out my stomach I just say, yeah I know, it's your fault!

They're 4 and 6, they literally have no idea of what is normal or not for an adult woman's body who has gone through pregnancy.

They just thought you might have a baby in there, it wasn’t being judgemental.
my Belly is lovely and squashy after 3 dc. I’m a 10. I don’t give a shit

WTF did you just write.

Honestly as a child we preferred my lovely overweight Grandma because she was all squishy with enormous boobs you could nestle into and my Mum was all angles. Nothing she did just the way her body was, she didn't diet but she did smoke. Everyone told her she would end up like her Mum, she never did.

I think explaining that we can think whatever we like but we do not make comments on anyone's appearance unless it is something nice. We teach this in school. It also covers commenting on handwriting, reading levels, drawing skills, water bottles, contents of their lunch box too and you can relay that back to your children. They understand that.

I think it is great you told them you are proud of your body. Children are small, anything adult size is large to them. I would tell them not to ever use the word fat as it isn't nice. I remember a celebrity who had had 3 children and the press in the US were always taking photos of her, circling her belly and wondering if she was pregnant again. On a talk show she said this is a baby belly because I have had 3 babies. No I am not pregnant and I am not prepared to change my body with shapewear either.

Firstly, you are a size 10, so realistically, how fat can you be? A small pot belly doesn't mean that you look pregnant. It could be that somehow your children think that any belly at all means you are pregnant. They also seem to be equating pregnancy with being fat. I'd be wondering where they are getting these ideas from.
Secondly, it's time to have a chat with them about not making personal comments, and that calling someone fat, even if they are, is not OK.
Thirdly, not everything that children say is true, most of them lie, and often they might not be lying, but just wrong, or mistaken.
It sounds as if you have put in a lot of effort to try to regain your pre-pregnancy figure, and your response to your children was good. Don't beat yourself up. Even it were true ( which clearly it can't be as you are a size 10 with normal BMI) then it still would not affect your value as a person.

You need to be pretty harsh with your kids and shit this down with a firm STOP, that’s rude! Don’t ever say that again. It’s RUDE.

That’s a bit OTT.
Call a spade a spade but don’t be unkind.
Asking if her fat belly was a baby was curious not mean.

Kids are curious. If your stomach is fat ofcourse they’re going to ask. Unless you’re hitting the gym no one has a toned stomach. I like pregnant half the time after eating pasta or bread.

*but I do have a small pot belly.

there you go. It was just a factual comment, they are kids, they don't mean anything malicious or unkind, and you agree with them anyway. You will always look different from another 6yo, so don't take it personally.

OP DS once told me he loved my 'big fat belly' because it was a good pillow. I am a size 6-8. He described his Godmother as "like a film star" because she wears jewellery and lipstick - she is a size 24. Just tell them it is rude and upsets you and you do not say things like that to them and repeat every time.

@Hadit16 the solution to OPs issue is not being nasty about thin women. All children want their mothers, whatever their size.

Having babies gave me a perinatal paraumbilical hernia, which grew and grew until I finally had it repaired last year after a huge wait so I've been quite sensitive about that part of my body for about 6 years. Whilst it has improved, I will never really be able to return to the flat stomach and abs I once had. And kids are very blunt in what they say and see.

My kids are the same as yours but 5 and 3. My youngest likes to wobble my tummy and use it as a pillow or to blow raspberries on. "You're squishy Mummy!"

I always respond with "Yes! I am, do you know why? Because my tummy was your home and your siblings home too so I love it. But I dont love it when you tell me about it, it's my body, I already know. A bit like you know you have eyes on your head."

How many cms at your navel and how tall are you? NHS advice is your waist should be less than half your height.

What does that mean?

Time to teach them that everyone’s body is a different shape and size and it’s rude to say someone is fat. Your tummy grew two babies and be proud of it. Love yourself and be kind to yourself. I have accepted I’m not going to be the size 10 I was in my 20s. I’ve had 3 children now. I’m in my 40s. Age and pregnancy change things.
model the body positivity you want your children to have

Hrmm kids and bodies and noticing them is a really tricky one to navigate.

I suppose it slightly depends on their tone and intention. Fat is obviously a very emotionally loaded word for adults but it only becomes that way for kids if they’ve been taught that fat = negative and hurtful. It’s probably just factual for them, and they are probably comparing you to their flat child tummies. My 5 year old gently slapped my thigh the other day and said, when I do that your whole top leg wobbles, mine doesn’t do that. I just told him he was right and that ladies bodies change when they are grown up, and reminded him he shouldn’t touch other people like that. What else to do really.

Recently saw a woman walking down our road, probably the youngest she could have been was 75, she had silver hair and was walking with a stick. My 3 year old pointed at her and said - “Look a grandma!” The woman gave me an absolutely filthy look and muttered “RUDE CHILD” under her breath.

How the bloody hell do I explain that one? I didn’t think what my kid said was particularly rude, just a factual description of what she saw. But maybe it did hurt the woman’s feelings - who knows.

It's a bit depressing how unquestioningly we make the link that a tummy = bad. It's a body, and the value judgement that we jump to says so much about how this is ingrained in our society.

a soft tummy is only that. Is not good or bad. Detaching the judgement from this should be a really important step. A soft tummy shouldn't be something to be depressed about, it really shouldn't attract a judgement at all.

And what if someone wrote ‘no one wants Jabba the hutt for a mother’? Is that acceptable either?

I mean if your sat on the toilet that’s not the most flattering of angle for anyone, even a size 10. I wouldn’t worry about it.

I think young children are just notorious for calling things as they see them 🤷‍♀️

Well it reads like kids don’t want their mothers if they are slim. The most ludicrous thing I’ve ever read.

and a cuddle is a cuddle. It doesn’t need to be from a fat person to feel good as someone lamely tried to indicate.