To think this is the most awful thing to say to a parent

[Kate8889]

My mom has a husband she's been with for about 12 years, they're in their 60s.

He has a sister and their father recently died after a very difficult few years of Alzheimer's disease (he was physically combative on the daily).

This sister (in front of everyone) told her mom that if a person gets a diagnosis such as Alzheimer's it is the person's responsibility that they don't become a burden on their loved ones and they should end their life. I cannot imagine saying that to anyone but especially my parents.

As someone with one parent who had Lewys Body dementia, another with vascular dementia and two aunts with Alzheimer’s, I am determined that, if it comes to my turn, I will do whatever I can to end my own life. It’s no way to live and no way do I want to be such a burden on my sons.

No. It's far from the worst thing you can say to a parent.

Much closer - "I had a shit childhood, your behaviors traumatized me and I find it impossible to function as an adult".

I haven't brought my kids into the world to mind me as I age. I will be sad if they decide not to care for me, and would only delight in them spending time with me. But I absolutely do not see it as their responsibility. The only responsibility here is mine - to try my best to parent them well.

You could be prosecuted for murder at worst or assisting a suicide at best. Medical staff are under a duty to report you. Sadly I know of what I speak.

I didn't know that, and I hope it's true. If I get a diagnosis, I'm off asap.
I agree with the SIL and wish there was a legal solution here in the UK.

Am currently staying with my parents to try and support my Mum. My Dad has Alzheimers and it's awful. In addition to the cognitive decline, his behaviour can be really nasty. My poor mum is going through hell and really struggling. Witnessing the effect it is having on her is almost as bad as seeing what it is doing to my Dad. Part of me secretly hopes he passes away from something else sooner rather than later, which feels like an awful thing to think.

So I really can't judge this woman for what she has said. I'd also be curious to know how much support your mum's husband offered to his parents throughout his father's illness.

I agree that saying people with a diagnosis should end their lives is wrong, and this is exactly why the euthanasia debate was so crucial because those who oppose it believe that some people will feel pressured into ending their lives, and your mums “sister in law” saying it in that way shows that those who oppose euthanasia do have a right to be cautious

However she is probably very emotional at the moment and not properly thinking about how she might come across

Having lost my beloved grandma to alzheimers and knowing how much she would have hated being the way she was at the end, I feel that people should have the right to choose and I wouldn’t want my child to go through what my parents and aunts/uncles did losing their mum

So I can see where she is coming from, it is the way she has expressed it that is not right, eg saying that that’s what should happen regardless of the wishes of the person who is ill.

But I think if people had a choice then they should be able to make it themselves. If euthanasia remains illegal in the UK, if I get a diagnosis then I would certainly be jumping on a plane to Switzerland

You will happily take on that burden in theory. When you are in it I think you just can't wait for your parent to die because they are suffering and so is everyone around them. My mum got dementia when she was 57. She became unrecognisable personality wise- wore diapers, incoherent, sad and lost. She died of pneumonia when she was 59 in a care home. She needed 24/7 assistance. I know she would have wanted to die earlier if she had been given the choice. I am planning my exit now at 46 because I don't want my children to live through the hell of seeing me like that- it's traumatic and you feel so helpless.

I think if everyone had a magic mirror into their future and saw the horrendous end they would face we would all sign up to be euthanised.

I would like to clarify my statement.

It’s not a pact where either of us is going to do the deed to the other when the other is too incapacitated to make or implement that decision.
The pact is to be there for each other should the situation arise so that we are not alone at that hour of need.

It’s too big an ask to actually ask some to do that. You can get prosecuted for taking a relative to dignatas.

I'm no expert, but I've known people who have received a diagnosis of Alzheimer's some time before they reached the point when they completely lost capacity to manage their affairs. It seemed to me one of the cruellest aspects of the disease that there is a point when you know what is to come and there is virtually nothing you can do about it.

I don’t blame her for saying that and I wouldn’t be offended. That said my dad is in the advanced stages of dementia but it means so much to be able to go and hold his hand. Likewise my mum was desperate to keep him home as long as possible even when it got really hard. The survival instinct is really strong. Though his form is quite rare and he has just gradually faded away and become quiet rather than the aggression that some people face.

But I think he would be absolutely horrified if he knew what was happening.

I see yes, that wasn't clear, although I think that is still a prosecutable offence🤔

I know a serious topic but some of the comments, such as having a mumsnet club to assist, put me in mind of a programme I saw once where a group of people all committed a murder of someone they didn't know for someone else in order that anyone suspected would have an alibi😂 (sorry if that offends anyone but over 20 years working in the NHS, often with people with dementia I might add, gives you a dark sense of humour).

Totally agree it's a terrible disease but not everybody is unhappy with it, I have neighbours one with alzheimers, diagnosed at least 8 years ago, who still has a lovely life thanks to the love of their wife and is always smiling as is she! There are worse diagnoses which I've witnessed first hand.

My old dad had a degenerative condition which involves dementia in later stages. He used to say to me "Take me out before I get loopy won't you" and things like that.
He was very open about wanting to go quickly before he lost his capacity. In the end, he did.

It was insensitive of the sister, although the sentiment of avoiding prolonged suffering and preserve dignity is understandable. I'd see it as wanting to prevent suffering for the patient (including if it were me) rather than think of it in terms of being a burden to others, though.

Jennifer Anniston and Jason Bateman comedy! Called Horrible bosses! Was very funny.
( strangers on s train somewhat less funny, but similar theme.)

Completely agree. A dear friend of mine died of MND last year. At the beginning he was talking about the possibility of 'calling' it when he felt the time was right, but actually as the disease progressed his determination to hang on intensified, even though it was hell for him at the end. Why did he want to carry on even though his quality of life appeared close to zero by the end? No one can ever know - I'm not sure he even knew - but he did. No one would have the right to tell him to off himself for any reason, including sparing his family distress. It was his life, and hypothetically if assisted dying in place it would have been his choice.

Same story for my dad when he was in his terminal illness, even when he was hospitalised and clearly feeling terrible a lot of the time, during one conversation when he was feeling a bit philosophical he explicitly stated that he hoped he wasn't done just yet. Some of the people passing his hospital bed would probably have clucked briskly and said poor old codger, his life has clearly lost all meaning, shame there's no such thing as assisted dying. But he wouldn't have wanted it if there was.

The will to survive defies all reason sometimes, and nobody else has the right to say someone else's life has lost meaning and should end. No matter how it may look from the outside. It makes me really angry when people suggest someone should choose an early death for the 'benefit' of others.

@Kate8889 I 100 percent agree with you. It’s not something I would say to anyone and especially not to a parent. I think it’s certainly a decision we can make for ourselves but not a decision we should expect people to make as it’s not our right to do so.

I genuinely think this is her way of saying that if her mum does ever get diagnosed with alzeimers in the future that she won’t be looking after her. Myself and my sister care for our elderly mum, who has vascular dementia, alzeimers and bowel cancer, its hard very hard, both physically, and emotionally. In hindsight we would have got carers to help, impossible now as she would think a stranger was in her house every day. I do mean help though, still care ourselves aswell as i pride myself that i’m there for my mum, just that it would help us have more quality time with mum. X

She’s grieving. It’s an awful thing to say but grief is weird and takes strange forms.