How to manage coparenting at distance?

[talliani]

Tricky one. Separated from my son's dad when he was a baby. Went through court. Very difficult. Lots of domestic abuse from him to me so he is only allowed to communicate with me through a third party. He lives around 4 hours away from me. I moved away. He tried to argue in court for me to do travelling and thankfully the judge was excellent and said due to me fleeing a genuine threat, the mive was justified and sensible and travelling is all on him (she put this in the order).

Problems arise due to my son's competitive sport. It's a solo sport and he takes part in numerous tournaments. He loves it and if he misses days he doesn't qualify, cue huge upset when his friends are getting trophies and he isn't. Whenever there have been opportunities near his dad i have made the effort to book them snd drive him to his dad's the night before so they can have time together. Son likes going to his dad's house.

I am as flexible as I can be and if his dad lived nearer it would be easier as he could just take him, but he doesn't.

Currently trying to arrange summer holidays and it is a nightmare as he also has another child and is trying to coordinate seeing both children. He has given me two sets of 5 days over the summer, both falling over weekends so is only helping with our son for about 5 days in total. He claims no annual leave and won't take unpaid despite having money for tattoos and holidays.

Do I just stand firm on his sport being really important or does his dad trump this?

Feeling very lost and protective over my son's wellbeing. He had autism and adhd and his sport brings him a lot of solace away from the school system.

Thoughts?

Prioritise the kid, the dad can fit round that and like it or lump it. I’m sure the judge would relish another chance to tell him he’s useless.

What does the contact order actually say?

Sorry, I don't understand how the sport and the summer holidays are linked?

Could you move a bit closer than 4 hours travel? It would be pretty much impossible for me to co-parent at that distance and my son would definitely suffer.

Ds may like going to his Dad's house, but a- it's interfering with his sport, and b- his dad is a bastard, so if I were you I'd aim for prioritising his sport.

Because he only has him overnight in holidays due to the distance. Not a chance I am moving away from my family and closer to my abuser.

It is long. States 2-3 nights in holidays, one day every other week where he has to travel where we live. He has to do the travelling. Only to communicate via a third party. They're the main bits.

How old is your son? Could you ask for his input to help you decide? Which would he rather do?

If the deadbeat is only having him a few overnights a year, he can work around his son's beloved sport.

I wouldn’t do anything except for son’s sport. Ex can do all driving and if he doesn’t he doesn’t get the time.

For the one day every other week, with him travelling, can’t he take DS to his sports events if it falls on his weekend?

For the summer holiday, he’s supposed to have him 12-18 days but he’s only offering 10 days? You could go back to court to have it written in (that you have alternate full weeks, for instance) but presumably it’s in DS’s interests to see his half sibling, and it’d be a lot of hassle.

He is 8. He wants to do his sport.

No it's 2-3 nights per holiday, not per week in the holiday.

So he’s supposed to have him only 2-3 nights for the whole of the summer holidays? And he wants 5?

If DS was happy to go and you had no other concerns, I’d allow that. It seems weird to be complaining about him not taking annual leave when he’s actually asking for more time than was agreed?